Vayeshev 74 - Morality and the image of one's father

This week's Parasha deals with Joseph's avoiding temptation and resisting the advances of the wife of Potiphar. She was extremely persistent and used threats. She  even tried to convince Joseph that the that being together was their destiny as the astrologers predicted that they  would have children together. They were nearly right as  her daughter Osnat  would be the mother of Joseph's children. Joseph was also aware that G-d sometimes influences the course of events to uncover ' sparks of holiness lost in impurity ' by the union of unlikely partners like Lot and his daughters, Yehuda and Tamar, and  Boaz and Ruth. Maybe being with the wife of Potiphar was part of the divine plan. Temptation becomes harder to avoid when it can be justified in the name of a 'mitzvah – something positive.

A national holiday celebrating the flooding of the Nile presented a perfect opportunity for Potiphar's wife to pressurize Joseph to be with her. Nobody was around and nobody would know.

Joseph began to weaken and was about to give in, when with divine help he was able to access the objective morality of his father Jacob- Ya'akov. He saw the image of his father, who told him that what he was about to do was immoral , it would impact on how he would be remembered by future generations and his ability to be part of the leadership of the Jewish people. His name represented by a one of the 12 gemstones of each tribe would not appear on the high priests –kohen gadol's breast plate if he committed the sin. The image of his father strengthened Joseph's resolve to resist. He explained to Potiphar's wife that no matter how noble her intentions were , if it comes at the expense of somebody else  - her husband , it would be immoral , a breach of trust and a sin in the eyes of G-d.

What helps kids to make moral decisions and withstand temptation?

'The way to help kids become ethical and moral people as opposed to people who merely do what they are told, is to have them construct moral meaning. It is to help them figure out – for themselves and each other – how they ought to act ' AK

It means taking the perspectives of others, seeing how their behavior impacts on others and reflecting on how they can be caring and responsible people both in the eyes of man and G-d.

Most kids think of their parents only in terms of how they will react to them – what parents will do to them – criticize, scold and punish. Kids don't access and reflect on parent's views on a matter in the hope that it will give them 'moral clarity and strength ' and guide them through dilemmas and challenges. The only question asked is whether it is worth the risk of being caught or parents finding out. This leads to immoral behavior as Immanuel Kant explains.

If you punish a child for being naughty and reward him for being good, he will do right merely for the sake of the reward and when he goes out into the world and finds that goodness is not always rewarded, nor wickedness always punished, he will grow into a man who only thinks about how he may get on in the world, and does right and wrong according as he finds either of advantage to himself.

Kids become moral and good people to others when they also have a sense of themselves as moral and good people. They have a sense of 'worthiness and belonging'. And this depends on parents and teachers accepting them ' unconditional ly.

' The best predictor of whether children will be able to accept themselves as fundamentally valuable and capable is the extent to which they have been accepted unconditionally by parents and teachers.  As Carl Rogers (1959) argued half a century ago, those on the receiving end of conditional love – that is, affection based not on who they are but on what they do -- come to disown the parts of themselves that aren’t valued.  Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways' – Alfie Kohn

Vayeitzei 74-Should Parents be friends with their kids ?

Lots of parenting articles and books admonish parents - Be a parent, don't be your kid's friend. And when I see this I recall the following Biblical sources usually cited when discussing the parent –child relationship.

In this week's Parasha-portion Genesis 31:46, we read how Jacob- Ya'akov instructs his BROTHERS to gather stones and form a mound. This mound   was to be a monument and a witness to the treaty between and Laban and Jacob. The obvious question is that he had only one brother   Esau and he was not around. Rashi answers that Jacob referred to his sons as ' brothers' because they identified with his struggle and were committed to him. The relationship between Jacob and his sons could be described as an older brother-sibling relationship.

Further on in the Book of Genesis 45:8 , Joseph reveals himself to his brothers and he says that G-d has placed him as an Av= father to Pharaoh.  Rashi explains that the word Av=father as being a friend and a patron = from the Latin/greek  'pater'.  The word patron means a benefactor and protector.

Traditionally kids show respect to their parents by addressing them with the words my father- mother, my teacher. So from these sources the relationship could be described as one of an older brother, friend or mentor.

It is pretty obvious that a parent should not make her kid her confidant and burden her child emotionally with all her troubles and that she doesn't share everything. But being a friend of your kid helps the parent to be a ' real, genuine   and authentic person'. Alfie Kohn Alfie Kohn  reminds us that your child needs a human being – flawed, caring and vulnerable – more than he or she needs someone pretending to be a crisply competent Perfect Parent. If parents don't share with kids things they enjoy or hate, or their needs that they have, kids will never be able to empathy with parents, and see that they are real people who also have needs. Real people are not perfect, screw up and make mistakes. Apologizing to kids not only models how that should be done, but shows that it is possible to acknowledge to ourselves and others that we make mistakes and that things are sometimes our fault, without  losing face or feeling hopelessly inadequate. But apologizing exposes our fallibility and vulnerability and makes us feel a little unsafe when we stand on the perfect parent pedestal, a position of ultimate and unquestionable authority. Even saying thank you to your child in a sincere and genuine way, that without their help you would have been lost exposes your vulnerability. There is nothing to fear because it is when we expose our vulnerability, we create connection and facilitate learning   opportunities.  Brene Brown teaches that it is vulnerability that creates great business leaders and when you shut off vulnerability, you shut off opportunity. If vulnerability is good for business leaders, how much more is it so for parents!

 Another reason why parents fear developing a genuine and warm relationship with kids is that it will compromise their ability to set limits , impose their authority and control them.

In fact the opposite is true. Do you ever wonder why parents and teachers are the last to know when kids screw up or act in an inappropriate way? When kids feel that they are unconditionally accepted and loved by their parents for who they are , and trust them to be their guides and help, kids will come to parents for help. It is our healthy attachments with kids that allow us to be their guides and mentors.

We can set limits in a unilateral way and demand compliance or we can let kids participate in setting limits using the CPS – collaborative problem solving approach. When our concerns and expectations are addressed by the agreed solutions, we are in fact setting a limit together with the child.

As parents and educators we really want our kids to learn to set limits. Instead of giving a list of rules and consequences we can offer them principles and guidelines to help them navigate the world. We want kids to derive limits and guidelines on how to act from the situation itself and what other people need .If so, then our coming up with   limits, and especially specific behavioral limits and imposing them on kids makes it less likely that kids will become moral people who say that the situation decrees a kind of a boundary for appropriate ways to act.

Parents should be friends with their kids, but it is not a friendship of equals but similar to the trust, respect and caring that a mentor shows for his student.

Barbara Coloroso was once asked to help parents with their young teenager. When he was a pre-teen he was such a good kid, he always listened to us. Now he no longer listens to us, just to his teenage friends. She answered the parents that nothing has changed – he used to listen to you, now he is listening to them. When a parent is a friend and a mentor the child is not being compliant but self determined and acts in an autonomous way giving expression to the values he acquired from parents and teachers and has made his own.

Praise and Self Improvement

Praise , especially when given to kids is pretty problematic. The problem is not too much or too little praise , but praise itself.

It is by nature judgmental, kids tend to ascribe the reason why they do things is because of the praise and so lose interest in wht they are doing and do less. It gets in the way of internal feelings of pride and appreciating the intrinsic reward in doing things. It may give us a good feeling that lasts for 2 minutes, but as OBJECTS of praise we lose the ability of a SUBJECT  to reflect and think.

The Medrash commentary Ruth Rabah 5:6 discusses the noteworthy acts of the Biblical characters Boaz, Aaron, Reu'vein ( Ruben) .  The Bible records how Reu'vein saved his brother Joseph by taking him out of the pit and then suggested that the brothers, who saw Joseph as a threat to their membership of Jacob's family and destiny, put Joseph's fate in the hands of God rather than letting him die. Joseph was subsequently sold as a slave. Medrash criticizes Reu'vein and says that if he had known that his good deed would have been recorded for eternity in the Bible  , he would have been more thoughtful and returned Joseph to his father.

 The Bible recalls how Moses (Moshe) refused to take the leadership role of the children of Israel  in Egypt as  this promotion would be at the expense of his older brother Aaron. God tells Moses that his brother is on his way to meet him and in his heart he is not jealous but very happy for his brother. Again the Medrash is critical. If Aaron would have known that his good deed and attitude would be recorded for eternity in the Bible, he would have gone to meet the new leader with drums and dancing. This was not a family issue with Aaron the older brother happy and supportive of his younger brother's promotion ahead of him. It was a national issue .He was going to meet the new leader and future redeemer of the children of Israel in Egypt. It demanded a more public response.

 In the book of Ruth ,Boaz  the greatest sage and leader of the people of Israel shows kindness to Ruth, a Moabite who had converted to Judaism.  He invited her to sit at his table and eat with him. The Medrash is critical. If he had known that his act would be recorded in the Bible , he would made a festive meal for Ruth. Ruth was destined to become the great grandmother of King David.

The problem of praise is that it gets in the way of reflection. If people praise us, at most we can enjoy the good feeling , but as objects of praise it is difficult to become a subject and reflect how we could have done a better job and make our actions more complete and perfect. Instead of praise we can ask questions or just describe what we have seen. These great people managed to treat 'praise' they received as mere information and thus they were able to reflect how they could have done better.