The mission of the spies to the land of
Israel ended in disaster. The generation of the spies lost their right to enter
the 'promised land' and they were now destined to spend the next 40 years in
the desert. There was a lot of dissatisfaction with Moses' Leadership. Korach
and his followers challenged Moses right to lead and started a rebellion
against Moses. God intervenes - Moses remains the leader and Korach and
his followers are destroyed. The commentators talk about how destructive
strife, conflict and friction are to a community and encourage ' Shalom '
peace without sacrificing God's truth. ' Peace –harmony 'is the vessel
through which God's blessings is able to reach us as a community and a family.
There is an interesting Medrash Rabah
insight taught by the Rabbis on Psalm 34 verse 15.
בקש שלום ורדפהו בקש שלום ולא מצוות
בקש שלום ורדפהו בקש שלום ולא מצוות
'Seek out shalom=peace and pursue it ' The
verse says – seek out peace but not Mitzvot = good deeds.
This medrash is very strange. Are we
not taught to seek out and do good deeds , is this not our purpose here in this
world? (our ) Rabbi Yeruchum from Mir explains that our
purpose is really to seek relationships with people based on shalom. If our purpose
is to ' collect ' as many good deeds as possible, the focus becomes 'oneself
'and there is the danger of a ' self righteousness' distorting one's
judgment. But when we give our good deeds the context of shalom and
relationship, our focus is on the relationship and other people.
What does this Medrash say to us as
parents ?
We should ask ourselves – what type of
relationship do I have with my kids ? Do they see me as a help, caring and
loving , somebody who they can trust and learn from or do they see me as
being judgmental, critical , demanding and show less love when they screw up. ?
Instead of being right, and self righteous insisting on ' our principles and
standards ' we should focus on relationship. It suggests that
we should put our relationship with our kids first.
Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional
parenting suggests that we should be careful not to jeopardize our
relationship with our kids when we try to get them to do certain things or say
the unnecessary Nos. We should consider whether some of our demands are worth
pursuing in the first place, are they developmentally appropriate for a
young kid or a kid that is not flexible and has a low frustration tolerance. We
can try and make the environment more user-friendly so we need to exercise less
control – for example –parents , whose kids play in a safe environment and
serve healthy food including for deserts don't need to be controlling in the
park or home , limiting what kids can do and forcing them to eat
healthy foods. We can drop ' our principles ' and lower the rope when it comes
to kids rooms so the only place that is truly a child's own does not have to be
maintained at high parental standards. We need to ask if what we are doing or
demanding is worth the possible strain on the relationship.While ' relationship ' is important as an
end , Alfie Kohn suggests the following benefits.Misbehavior is easier to address and
problems are easier to solve – when children feel safe enough with us to
explain the reasons why they did something wrong. CPS – collaborative problem
solving rests on the info we gather from the child about his concerns and
perspectives. Kids are more likely to come to us when they are in trouble
or to look to us for advice. Why are parents and
teachers the last to know when their kids or students screw up.? Kids are
more likely to want to spend time with us when they can choose whether to do
so. When kids know they can trust us and their
concerns are generally taken into account , they are more likely to do what we
ask if we tell them it's really important.
The medrash is telling us parents- remember to put
the relationship first.
