B'shalach 74 - Subject or Object ?

This Shabbat we read   parashat B'shalach It  is called Shabbat Shirah because we read ' shirat ha'yam ' the song that the children of Israel sang in praise of their salvation by God at the red sea. We will also be celebrating Tu Be'shevat – 15^th day of Sh'vat on the Thursday following this Shabbat.

The Parasha begins with Pharaoh escorting the children of Israel out of Egypt. We are told that Moses acted on a promise made to Joseph that his bones were to be taken out of Egypt when the time to leave came. The Medrash describes Moshe as a having a wise heart who takes the opportunity to do  Mitzvot – Moshe busied himself with the bones of Joseph, while the children of Israel were busy plundering Egypt, busy with gold and silver. The obvious question is that the children of Israel were also doing a mitvah , obeying God's commandment. They were told to go to their neighbors and ask for gold and silver etc in order that God's promise to Abraham – that they will leave with a great fortune should be fulfilled.

There are mitzvoth that we invest lots  of thought and energy- we are givers -  subjects – 'gavra'. There are mitzvoth where we are more like objects –' cheftza '  - receivers = like the mitzvoth to eat 3 meals on the Sabbath. When we are takers and receivers we tend to lose sight of element of mitzvah and be more self-centered and taking for ourselves. Moshe – Moses chose to focus on ' giving ' , being  a' gavra'- subject and not an object – cheftza-who receives.

The children of Israel are then saved by God's open miracles at the red sea. They are in a sense 'objects' – cheftza , receivers of God's goodness. They become ' subjects'- gavra  by ' giving ' of themselves – giving praise to God  , acknowledging the miracles and showing appreciation in song –' shirat Hayam'  - the song of the sea.

Tu b'shevat is the new year of trees , the cut of date in determining the age of trees, also each year has different tithes and tithes must be taken from crops of the same year. During the winter trees have been in hibernation absorbing water from deep beneath the ground. Most of the rain for the season has fallen and on Tu B'shevat they will begin to draw sustenance from their own sap in order to grow, bloom and prosper. The trees will regenerate utilizing their own resources. They will become the giving entity that they were meant to be. Before Tu be'shevat  the trees were ' cheftza , after Tu Be'shevat they become subjects- gavra .

As parents and teachers we should be helping kids become ' givers'  - gavra. But when we reward or praise them for doing   good ,  or punish/consequence them for infractions - doing to them - we are turning them into objects. Instead we can work with them and solve  problems. Instead of praise  use '  declarative  language '  just describing what we saw and then pausing. This gives the kid time to reflect on what you have noticed and  also experience some inner pride or other feelings for eg.  satisfaction. We show him that it is his  inner  feelings of pride that are important and not pleasing us.  We can then ask open ended questions – how did you feel about what you did ? what were you thinking about when you drew the dog? What made you give the little boy a cookie ?,did you see his face light up .

'These comments and questions help a kid focus his attention on his feelings and thoughts rather than on his accomplishments. He is talking about what he did and self- assessing. By emphasizing the process rather than the product, the kid will realize that it's the trying that counts.'  Myrna Shure 

Teaching expressing gratitude, thanks and appreciation is important , but not because it will help you get what you want or if you do not give thanks people will stop giving to you. It is an important expression of who you are as a person , as a subject as a gavra.

Praise and Self Improvement

Praise , especially when given to kids is pretty problematic. The problem is not too much or too little praise , but praise itself.

It is by nature judgmental, kids tend to ascribe the reason why they do things is because of the praise and so lose interest in wht they are doing and do less. It gets in the way of internal feelings of pride and appreciating the intrinsic reward in doing things. It may give us a good feeling that lasts for 2 minutes, but as OBJECTS of praise we lose the ability of a SUBJECT  to reflect and think.

The Medrash commentary Ruth Rabah 5:6 discusses the noteworthy acts of the Biblical characters Boaz, Aaron, Reu'vein ( Ruben) .  The Bible records how Reu'vein saved his brother Joseph by taking him out of the pit and then suggested that the brothers, who saw Joseph as a threat to their membership of Jacob's family and destiny, put Joseph's fate in the hands of God rather than letting him die. Joseph was subsequently sold as a slave. Medrash criticizes Reu'vein and says that if he had known that his good deed would have been recorded for eternity in the Bible  , he would have been more thoughtful and returned Joseph to his father.

 The Bible recalls how Moses (Moshe) refused to take the leadership role of the children of Israel  in Egypt as  this promotion would be at the expense of his older brother Aaron. God tells Moses that his brother is on his way to meet him and in his heart he is not jealous but very happy for his brother. Again the Medrash is critical. If Aaron would have known that his good deed and attitude would be recorded for eternity in the Bible, he would have gone to meet the new leader with drums and dancing. This was not a family issue with Aaron the older brother happy and supportive of his younger brother's promotion ahead of him. It was a national issue .He was going to meet the new leader and future redeemer of the children of Israel in Egypt. It demanded a more public response.

 In the book of Ruth ,Boaz  the greatest sage and leader of the people of Israel shows kindness to Ruth, a Moabite who had converted to Judaism.  He invited her to sit at his table and eat with him. The Medrash is critical. If he had known that his act would be recorded in the Bible , he would made a festive meal for Ruth. Ruth was destined to become the great grandmother of King David.

The problem of praise is that it gets in the way of reflection. If people praise us, at most we can enjoy the good feeling , but as objects of praise it is difficult to become a subject and reflect how we could have done a better job and make our actions more complete and perfect. Instead of praise we can ask questions or just describe what we have seen. These great people managed to treat 'praise' they received as mere information and thus they were able to reflect how they could have done better.