Kedoshim 74 - Love yourself so you can Love your friend

The Torah tells us to ' Love your fellow as yourself '- Leviticus 19:18 .ואהבת לרעך כמוך  -ויקרא יט:יח

 From this verse it seems that loving oneself is a condition for being able to love other people. Now self-love is generally regarded as having a sense of entitlement, being self- indulgent and hedonistic, and only really being concerned only about oneself and certainly not about others. So how does self-love make one into a more caring person? True self-love is about people who regard themselves as self-directed and autonomous, competent, caring and responsible people. For them, self-love is nurturing the spiritual and emotional side of them, the part that defines them. As The sage Hillel – the elder said about him going to the bath-house or having a meal that he was doing a chesed – a kindness to his soul – -גומל חסד לנפשו which was resident in his body . Loving yourself is taught in another place in the context of helping others - וחי אחיך עמך ויקרא כה: לו –'and let your brother live with you '-Leviticus 25:36. Rabbi Akiva says – your life comes first, before the life of your friend (but your friend comes a close second.)

 These people experience themselves on a fundamental level as worthy of esteem and love. Loving and caring for others is not in competition of oneself, but just an extension of loving oneself if done in a healthy way.

Children who see themselves as worthy of esteem and love and see themselves as fundamentally good people will be able to be caring and act in altruistic ways. On the other hand children, who view their pro-social conduct as compliance with external authority, will act pro-socially only when they believe external pressures are present. Helping children to come to believe that their pro-social behavior reflects values or dispositions in themselves is best achieved by verbally attributing such values or dispositions to the child. In one experiment, in which children gave away some of their game winnings after watching a model do so, those who were told that they had made the donation "because you're the kind of person who likes to help other people" were subsequently more generous than those who were told that they had donated because they were expected to do so. In another study, the likelihood of children's donating increased both when they were praised and when they were led to think of themselves as helpful people. But in a follow-up experiment, it was the latter group who turned out to be more generous than those who had received verbal reinforcement. In other words, praise increased generosity in a given setting but ceased to be effective outside of that setting, whereas children with an intrinsic impulse to be generous continued to act on that motivation in other circumstances. These findings by Joan Grusec of the University of Toronto  provides a concrete alternative to the use of rewards or praise (the problem with praise is that it is controlling and judgmental) to elicit generosity and is important because it implies that being led to think of oneself as generous does not affect behavior merely because it is a kind of reinforcement or a mood-enhancer; this label apparently encourages pro-social action because it helps to build a view of the self as altruistic.- Alfie Kohn – Caring Kids, the Role of schools

Another very important predictor of whether children will accept themselves as fundamentally valuable and capable is to the extent to which they been accepted unconditionally by others.  As Carl Rogers (1959) argued half a century ago, those on the receiving end of conditional love – that is, affection based not on who they are but on what they do -- come to disown the parts of themselves that aren’t valued.  Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways and often end up not 'liking' themselves. They then create a' false' self that their parents will like. The research can be summarized as follows -    The more conditional the support [one experiences], the lower one’s perceptions of overall worth as a person. When children receive affection with strings attached, they do indeed tend to accept themselves only with strings attached. Their self-esteem becomes contingent – I only like myself when … instead of non-contingent and inherently stable self-esteem. – Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting/Teaching

 

Children will  act in accordance with the Torah's teaching of Love your fellow as yourself if they feel unconditionally accepted, worthy of esteem and love, feel valuable and capable and see their pro-social behavior as intrinsic to who they are as people.

Vayeshev 74 - Morality and the image of one's father

This week's Parasha deals with Joseph's avoiding temptation and resisting the advances of the wife of Potiphar. She was extremely persistent and used threats. She  even tried to convince Joseph that the that being together was their destiny as the astrologers predicted that they  would have children together. They were nearly right as  her daughter Osnat  would be the mother of Joseph's children. Joseph was also aware that G-d sometimes influences the course of events to uncover ' sparks of holiness lost in impurity ' by the union of unlikely partners like Lot and his daughters, Yehuda and Tamar, and  Boaz and Ruth. Maybe being with the wife of Potiphar was part of the divine plan. Temptation becomes harder to avoid when it can be justified in the name of a 'mitzvah – something positive.

A national holiday celebrating the flooding of the Nile presented a perfect opportunity for Potiphar's wife to pressurize Joseph to be with her. Nobody was around and nobody would know.

Joseph began to weaken and was about to give in, when with divine help he was able to access the objective morality of his father Jacob- Ya'akov. He saw the image of his father, who told him that what he was about to do was immoral , it would impact on how he would be remembered by future generations and his ability to be part of the leadership of the Jewish people. His name represented by a one of the 12 gemstones of each tribe would not appear on the high priests –kohen gadol's breast plate if he committed the sin. The image of his father strengthened Joseph's resolve to resist. He explained to Potiphar's wife that no matter how noble her intentions were , if it comes at the expense of somebody else  - her husband , it would be immoral , a breach of trust and a sin in the eyes of G-d.

What helps kids to make moral decisions and withstand temptation?

'The way to help kids become ethical and moral people as opposed to people who merely do what they are told, is to have them construct moral meaning. It is to help them figure out – for themselves and each other – how they ought to act ' AK

It means taking the perspectives of others, seeing how their behavior impacts on others and reflecting on how they can be caring and responsible people both in the eyes of man and G-d.

Most kids think of their parents only in terms of how they will react to them – what parents will do to them – criticize, scold and punish. Kids don't access and reflect on parent's views on a matter in the hope that it will give them 'moral clarity and strength ' and guide them through dilemmas and challenges. The only question asked is whether it is worth the risk of being caught or parents finding out. This leads to immoral behavior as Immanuel Kant explains.

If you punish a child for being naughty and reward him for being good, he will do right merely for the sake of the reward and when he goes out into the world and finds that goodness is not always rewarded, nor wickedness always punished, he will grow into a man who only thinks about how he may get on in the world, and does right and wrong according as he finds either of advantage to himself.

Kids become moral and good people to others when they also have a sense of themselves as moral and good people. They have a sense of 'worthiness and belonging'. And this depends on parents and teachers accepting them ' unconditional ly.

' The best predictor of whether children will be able to accept themselves as fundamentally valuable and capable is the extent to which they have been accepted unconditionally by parents and teachers.  As Carl Rogers (1959) argued half a century ago, those on the receiving end of conditional love – that is, affection based not on who they are but on what they do -- come to disown the parts of themselves that aren’t valued.  Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways' – Alfie Kohn