Be'rei'shit 75 - Your child as your Ally

Before God created man,  God said ' Let us make man '. Be'rei'shit 1:26. He consulted with his heavenly council and also asked their permission before he created man.  Man was destined to have dominion and rule over the lower world. The Sages say that God is teaching an important lesson and ethical behavior= derech- e'retz. People in power should consult with their subordinates and get their permission.  Communication and dialog preceded only  man's creation , because man is different from God's other creations. Man was given the power of speech which enables him to communicate his thoughts and feelings. Together,' Man' can share different perspectives and concerns, build God fearing communities and solve problems in a collaborative way. Gods words -  ' Let us make man '  tell us that communication and collaborative problem solving are intrinsic to man, and that man expresses his uniqueness by consulting, problem solving  and achieving consensus with others.

Educators and Parents  should be communicating and having a dialog with kids about their expectations and hopes for building a cooperative  community of caring learners or a family dedicated to supporting each other and other members of the community. Instead of focusing on obedience by creating rules and consequences in a top-down manner , parents , educators and kids can participate in drawing up guidelines and core values that should guide behavior and goals. Problems can be addressed not by 'dong to ' kids with rewards and punishments but  ' working with ' kids using Collaborative Problem solving  -  identify concerns and perspectives and then brainstorming  mutually satisfying , durable and realistic solutions. The Talmud teaches that teachers learn the most from their students, so kids do have  much to offer.  The author Eli Neuberger says - the method of withdrawing privileges and other punishments is essentially negative. I can't communicate with you and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes and you can trust me to help you do better in the future.

The Ba'al Shem Tov says that when God says ' Let us make man', He is talking to man himself. God is saying ,  man – be my partner and ally in building a world based on Godly values of service , humility , holiness and community etc  despite the challenges of man's physical side and attraction to a physical world. Parents and educators can view kids as partners and allies or people who are immature, controlled by evil impulses and cannot be trusted. If you cannot trust kids to behave you need to control their behavior with lots of rules and consequences. And according to the Pygmalion effect, kids will act according to your negative expectations. Kids see their roles as only to do what their parents want and say, so there is a constant power struggle between kids who are fighting for some sort of autonomy and self- expression and parents/teachers'  wishes. God is saying – focus on the positive side of kids, see them as allies and partners in building a school of cooperative and caring learners, a family with ideals and vision , one  that  supports its members and cooperates to help others in the community. If you trust kids, you can make them feel part of a great idea and movement. And according to the Pygmalion effect they will become more responsible and caring people. Discipline is no longer a question of what will be done to me, what will I get – the consequences for me  or what's in it for me – but how do my actions impact on others , how do they reflect my core values, what do I want my classroom or family to look like.

When God says ' Let us make man ' He is saying to parents and educators. See in your kids and students potential allies and partners in building  school communities and families based on a vision and ideals.  And the way to go is to consult with kids , let them participate in the decision making process  and setting up of guidelines and core values.  Solve problems in a collaborative way , so that consensus is achieved by brainstorming mutually satisfying solutions. Kids are  encouraged to engage in an autonomous way in the moral  act of restitution to fix damage or restore injured relationships . ' Let us make man ' is a call by God to us to become the men, women and children that God created us to be.

Devarim 74 - Criticism and Internalization

The book of Deuteronomy/Devarim  begins with the Rebuke – ' To'chacha ' by Moses of the children of Israel as part of his final address to his people before they enter the Promised Land  under the leadership of Yehoshu'ah. The To'chacha-rebuke  seems pretty mild with Moses hinting at the major sins  like the sin of the Golden calf-' cheit ha'eihel ', the Spies, Korach's rebellion against the leadership of Moses and Aaron,  by just mentioning the names of various places and locations where these sins were committed. The Torah also tells us that Moses addressed his people after Moses himself had conducted the war against the feared Amorite kings, was victorious and conquered  land which would become part of the land of  Israel.

The questions that need to be addressed are (1) why did Moses not mention the sins explicitly and just alluded to them by using place names or other veiled references ? (2)  what is the significance of the timing of the speech  after Moses' victory over the Amorite kings ? (3) The rebuke- to'chacha seems to be out of place, because it is directed against people who were not alive or at most were under 20 years of age at the time of the major sins. Only the sin of Ba'al Pe'or  took place near the end of the 40 years in the desert. And  still Moses said to them – your eyes have seen how God destroyed Ba'al Pe'or and those who served that idolatry, but you  who cling to Hashem- God are alive today. So the people standing before Moses are those who did not sin with regard to Ba'al Pe'or or the other sins.

So to start with the 3^rd question . The people standing before Moses may not have committed these sins but on a simple level Moses could be warning them , that if their parents sinned while in a holy environment surrounded by miracles, how much more aware of God's presence they need to be in their new environment. On a deeper level , R' Isaac Sher explains that  a sin has its roots in a person's inner being. A  person  can then give expression to his 'pnimiyut' – internal being in various ways including the actual sin.  In the book of Joshua -  Yehoshuah 22:17  , Pinchas rebukes the tribes of Reu'vein and Gad saying  - 'is the sin of Ba'al Peor too little for us, from which we have not been cleansed until this day  and in the same way  does the  prophet Jeremiah 2:23 – Rashi. The people standing before Moses might not have actually sinned , but   on a deeper level they had not yet been cleansed of  the sins of the golden calf, spies, Korach , Ba'al Peor etc .

To'chacha –rebuke  and criticism are given in the hope that people on the receiving end will ' internalize ' the message and underlying values . Teachers and parents forget that they were once kids and think that in order to emphasize the seriousness and severity of the offence they need to use strong language, a loud voice and even use threats of punishment.. The truth is and this is well researched , the greater the external motivation used , the less internalization of the actual message and underlying values  takes place. Kids in a kindergarten were told not to play with toys if the teacher was not in the room. One group were told that they would be punished if they disobeyed and played with the toys. Both groups did not play with the toys but the group that did not receive the threat of punishment internalized the teacher's message more than the other group. Likewise parents are told , don't discipline out of anger , because the only message that is internalized is the anger and not the message itself. When we criticize or rebuke we need to remember – it is not what we teach them that matters, but what they learn – and often it is  that as a teacher or parent you are unfair and don't understand them and have an anger problem.  So Moses was being sensitive to their dignity and their situation .People generally already feel bad about what they did, so one does not need to pour salt on their wounds. Criticism and rebuke generate a ' counter- will'  in people. If Moses would not have dirtied his hands and fought in a battle and won , people could have challenged him – what right do you have to rebuke us , have you brought us into the promised land as you promised?  Moses wanted that the children of Israel would internalize his message. It meant that they had to reflect on the deepest level to see how they still had not been cleansed from those sins and they still were present in the deeper personalities. This requires a person to feel privileged to be guided by Moses in doing some soul searching and becoming closer to God. This could take place only if Moses would respect their dignity, be sensitive to their sense of shame and guilt , appear to be sincere and at most hint to their sins.

As an alternative to criticism we should just in a neutral tone describe what we see without any judgment. Even better is to reassure the child that we are not angry or  going to punish him  , we just want  engage in collaborative problem solving . In this way the child will be able to internalize and  reflect , be part of the solution and in an autonomous way engage in the moral act of restitution. 

Toldot/Vayeirah - True Education and Intrinsic Motivation

 Toldot begins with Yitzchak=Isaac and Rivkah = Rebecca praying in separate corners in their home asking G-d to bless them with a child. Verse 25:21 tells us that G-d answered Yitzchak's prayers rather than Rivkah's. The reason given is that there is no comparison between the prayers of righteous child – Isaac who is a son of righteous parents and of a righteous child- Rebecca   of wicked parents.

 Rabbi Dessler explains that Rivkah's efforts of rejecting her evil family's ways and becoming a righteous person are   praiseworthy and meritorious. Yet Isaac's challenge was much more difficult. Isaac could have easily become a carbon copy of his father and carried on his tradition of serving G-d through doing chesed and loving kindness. Isaac did not content himself with that. He forged a new and unique path of serving G-d through holding himself to the highest standards of observance, self discipline, courage and strength= ge'vu'rah.

Rabbi Dessler explains that the education we receive from our parents, teachers, friends  and  from the different environments is very much a passive form of education. Even if kids study hard, the motivation is external and the product of this learning and exposure is more about acquiring good habits that are done in a rote manner - 'mitzvat anshim me'lumada 'and imitating role models than changing from the inside. Real education and personal development   takes place when the child is internally motivated and overcomes personal challenges and struggles.

We see this principle also in how G-d relates to Abraham's nephew, Lot. G-d sends angels to destroy the city of Sodom and to rescue Lot who was residing there. What did Lot do to merit him being   saved ?. The Medrash explains that Abraham and his wife Sarah went to Egypt with Lot because there was a   drought in the land of Canaan. In order to protect himself, Abraham said that Sarah was his sister. If he would have said that she was his wife he would have been killed and Sarah would have been taken to be the wife of someone else, most probably Pharaoh. Lot was sensitive enough to the situation and kept his mouth shut. He did not, even by mistake reveal the true situation. Lot was thus rewarded for his silence.

The Saba from Slabodkah is surprised that from all the positive actions that Lot did, it was his ' silence' that merited him being saved. Lot displayed lots of courage, commitment and  even risked his life when he invited the angels to be guests in his home. Is  this not a more meritorious act than just keeping quiet and not handing his uncle over to be killed?. The Saba from Slabodkah explains that Lot was challenged in the area of money. He had separated from Abraham in order to settle in the rich and fertile area of Sodom. Inadvertently revealing or hinting that Abraham was Sarah's husband would have made him very wealthy. Abraham would have been killed and Lot would have been given presents from the Egyptians as he was now   Sarah's only relative. Lot's   display of chesed in inviting the angels to his home was due to the education he received in Abraham's home and not a product of his own struggles in this area. Keeping quiet was about dealing with a personal challenge.

Education does not have to be just  about kids meeting parents and teachers expectations for good behavior and great grades. Education can be also  about meeting kids concerns and hopes and becoming life long learners. When kids needs for autonomy  , competence and relatedness are being met , kids become self determined and intrinsically motivated. Autonomy is not about independence but interdependence and  being self directed. Kids become and  feel competent when they aquire  real life and learning skills, assessment is feedback and a conversation and not just  a spreadsheet with test scores and grades. When learning is about cooperation and building a community of learners,  kids feel they are related, have  a sense of belonging where they can support others and feel supported.

 Discipline and behavior problems are solved through discussion using collaborative problem solving and helping kids reflect on how their behavior impacts on others. With poor and challenging kids – both   academically    or behaviorally   problems are solved by punishing bad behavior or rewarding obedience and using incentives or level systems to motivate kids to do better. They also   get a different type of education.

Deborah Meier says that rich kids are “expected to have opinions,” and poor kids, who are expected to do what they’re told.   Schools for the well-off are about inquiry and choices; schools for the poor are about drills and compliance.''

 The education that all our children deserve ' starts with students’ interests and questions; learning is organized around real-life problems and projects.  Exploration is both active and interactive, reflecting the simple truth that kids learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions.  Finally, success is judged by authentic indicators of thinking and motivation, not by multiple-choice tests. ' – Alfie Kohn

Parents and teachers always ask how they can motivate kids to do better.  The mantra of the Collaborative problem solving approach CPS is' kids do well if they can and not kids do well if they want to '. Kids would rather do better and be successful , if not it means that in the past  their concerns have not been heard , and that they have been pushed back and been rejected so often .In any case adults can't motivate kids , we can only provide the conditions which help kids to motivate themselves.

Constructivist and CPS academic and   socio-moral learning principles which rich kids are getting are needed even more so for challenging kids because they are lacking so many skills.

These approaches promote real education based on intrinsic motivation. The child has a say in his education , something that matters to him more than anybody else. Kids are thus given the opportunity to explore their personal interests and challenges and make real changes to their lives.

R.H- Yom Kippur 74 - Accountability and Te'shuvah- Repentance

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are primarily concerned about our accountability to our creator for what we have done over the past year. When we talk about accountability in the context of politics and business, we hear about the need to be accountable and pay the price for failure or inappropriate behavior by resigning or serving a criminal sentence.

Accountability for kids is just another reason for dishing out more punishments and consequences. The result of this view of accountability is high rates of recidivism .  About 2/3 of prisoners in the USA who leave prison , commit new crimes and then return to prison. Kids become even more alienated and their problems begin to pile up.

The reason for this is the approach to sin and crime is punitive and not therapeutic. The Te'shuva = repentance process is therapeutic.

Although one should repent everyday of one's life, the month of Elul that proceeds Rosh Hashanah, and  Rosh Hashanah till Yom Kippur is the most opportune time to repent. Yom Kippur is the time when we deal with the past. We verbalize and admit our sins = vi'dui, express regret and commit ourselves not to repeat them. Rosh Hashanah is the Day of Judgment and we anoint God to be our king and subject ourselves to his authority.

Should we not first deal with our sins, admit what we did wrong and ask for forgiveness   - the Yom Kippur process -  and only then approach the heavenly court to be judged by God?

Shouldn't Yom Kippur come before Rosh Hashanah?

The answer is that the Te'shuvah process is therapeutic. In order to change , a person must acquire a new vision of himself. The month of Elul and Rosh Hashanah is used to simply work on this vision by solving problems,   trying to improve and do things better. The word shofar comes from the Hebrew – to improve. We say to God – judge me where I am now, I have changed; I am no longer the same person. In order to create a new vision we must sever ourselves from the past, because if we are still tied to our pasts, our pasts will hold us back and limit the extent of the vision. Solving problems is a neutral process that has no shame or blame, so it will not limit the creation of a new vision, but allow people and kids to come up with a better plan and also fix relationships. We first create a future and then deal with the past. We first have an Elul and Rosh Hashanah and then a Yom Kippur.

Now that we have solutions in place and a new vision of ourselves, we are in a position to deal with the past. If we don't deal with the past , the past will catch up with us.
  We now have a new appreciation of what we did wrong. This results in more regret and remorse that we had before the te'shuvah process. It is pretty easy for a thief to admit what he did and to give lip service – apologize soon after the crime. Once he has changed and has a new vision of himself as someone who does not do such things, he is embarrassed and remorseful when he recounts and admits what he has done and asks for forgiveness. Shame and blame are generally very negative emotions which get in the way of personal growth. But shame and blame can be easy to handle and a positive thing , when a person has a new vision of himself and the blame and shame is not because some else is blaming or shaming him, but he himself has internalized what he has done. Once he has given expression to these feelings on Yom Kippur he can move on in the knowledge that he has been forgiven and is a new person happy with his new appreciation of life and his relationship with God.

In schools and in the home we can use CPS – collaborative problem solving to ' work with ' kids and help them reflect and do Te'shuvah = repentance. Here we don't deal with ' behaviors'   but with unsolved problems. We work together with kids in a collaborative way to find mutually satisfying, realistic, and durable solutions to these unsolved problems and provide kids with a new vision of themselves. They then are in a position to reflect and engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong.

The prisons , both adult and juvenile prisons are filled with offenders who believe they have done nothing wrong except to be caught .If they admit doing wrong , they say they don't deserve the 'sentence' meted out to them. Because the system is essentially punitive, offenders are not getting the right treatment which will help them re-enter society and not return to a life of crime and prison.

A step in the right direction is to use CPS to help solve people's problems and apply the principles of restorative justice. In the criminal justice system, crimes are done against the state. The state has replaced God and people. The Rambam explains that repenting and fasting on Yom Kippur does not help with sins we do against our fellow man. Until the offender   has made things right, engaged in restitution and appeased the victim, who would then forgive and pardon him, the offender has not atoned for his sins.

Restorative justice says that the offender has committed a crime against the victim and society rather than the state. So both the victim and representatives of society collaborate with the offender to ensure restitution and reconciliation. This helps the offender to reflect on the impact of what he has done on others without shame or blame. This helps him internalize what he has done, be more remorseful, try to make things right and appease the victim.

The lesson of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that ' Accountability ' is not about paying the price of failure or making mistakes. It is about learning from mistakes, creating a new vision for oneself, changing from the inside, engaging in the moral act of restitution and making things right. It is about peace and reconciliation between man and God and man and man.

May we all help each other, our kids, employees, students etc to be more accountable to God, ourselves, fellow citizens and society.

Netzavim- Rosh hashanah 73 - Te'shuvah =Repentance Autonomy and Relationship

As Rosh Hashanah, the Day of Judgment approaches, we read in this week's portion Devarim /Nitzavim 30:2 about repentance – Te'shuvah, ' and you will return unto Hashem, your God and listen to his voice'.

The Jerusalem Talmud asks 'what is the punishment to be done to the sinner '? Wisdom replies that sin pursues bad experiences. Prophecy replies that the soul that sins should die. God replies that the sinner should repent and return to him. In this way he atones for his sins.

There is discussion amongst the commentators whether Repentance- Teshuvah is a voluntary / optional commandment or are we obliged to repent and do Teshuvah. The Ma'haral from Prague   quotes the Talmud that God considers the person who does Teshuvah as having offered a ' voluntary ' sacrifice. He explains that since  the sinner no longer sees himself as subject to God's authority and decrees, his decision to repent and to return unto Hashem,  is considered by God as  if he has in an autonomous and voluntary way 'returned'  to God. And for this God is extremely grateful.

Rabbi David Lapin reconciles the two views - the commandment –mitzvah of Teshuvah is an obligation or a voluntary/optional commandment. Objectively speaking we have an obligation to repent and do Te'shuvah; subjectively speaking God considers our actions as autonomous and intrinsically motivated.

The Teshuvah associated with Rosh Hashanah focuses on our intrinsic motivation and relationship with God. We come before God as people who have changed from the inside, with a new vision and motivation. We are not the same people. Our purpose is to willingly redefine our relationship with God. We anoint and make God our king and subject ourselves to his divine commandments and guidance.

When our kids and students don't meet our expectations, we must remember that it is our duty to help and guide them to do 'Te'shuvah. This means participating together with kids in CPS – collaborative problem solving process and allowing kids in an autonomous way to engage in the moral act of restitution and making amends. The litmus test - has my relationship and trust with my kid or student been enhanced. The key words – autonomy and relationship.

Here are 2 examples of how a teacher helps a kid to do Te'shuvah.

A 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when shee ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“it's not OK to run in the halls!”), she attempted   proactive problem solving with her

Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.      

Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm.  Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run. 
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector.
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for the damage.   Adapted from Thinkkids.org

The other situation was a onetime incident where a high school boy was fooling around in the dining hall. He threw a tomato which hit a teacher. The teachers immediately demanded that he be punished and taught a lesson – he should be banned for a week from the dining hall and eat alone. His class teacher insisted that he would handle things differently. He approached the kid – described in a neutral factual way what had happened and asked the kid – what can we do about the problem? With a bit of guidance the kid came up with idea of writing an apology and explaining that his actions were not directed against the teacher, but unintentional. He said he would deal with the mess.  The kid took a friend to help him. They not only cleaned up the mess , but they cleaned the whole dining hall , floors , dust etc and arranged the tables and chairs.

If the kid would have been punished – banned from the dining hall and ordered to clean the mess , the relationship with the teacher would have been worsened and the only message the kid would have internalized was that the teacher was unfair and his mistake was to have been caught. Here the kid internalized that his behavior was inappropriate, his self esteem and respect was honored and he responded in an autonomous way and made things right beyond what was expected from him. His relationship with the teacher was enhanced as well.

From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn

'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”' 

Balak 73 Part 2 - Respect and then Love

The Chazon  Ish is quoted as saying –' what children need more than love is respect.'

Being respectful to children is one of the principles of Unconditional Parenting ( Alfie Kohn)and the Collaborative problem solving approach ( Ross Greene ). In part 2 of this article I discuss the Chazon Ish's statement  and share the role respect plays  in UP - unconditional parenting quoting from the UP book and CPS – collaborative problem solving approach .

Parents often forget that the laws and expectations governing interpersonal relationships with others include children, and think that kids don't deserve respect in the way that adults do.

 A kid that forgets a book at home is usually gets a mouthful of ' what is the matter with you ?, how many times have I to remind you to look around for your things before you leave ! With an adult , we would simply say here is your book. -  AK

When kids are not held in great esteem it becomes easier for parents to treat kids disrespectfully. They tend to attribute unflattering attributes to kids such as manipulative, attention seeking, defiant, irresponsible and become more controlling and authoritarian. They fail to see that kids have legitimate concerns, write off their kids' requests, dismiss their feelings of anger or trivialize their fears and are often talk about their kids in a belittling way – 'oh, she 's just being a prima donna ' or just ignore her when she gets like that'. This happens also because parents think that because they are the parents and are more mature, experienced and clever. They fail to realize that kids are more knowledgeable about some matters than they are. Thomas Gordon said it well " children sometimes know better than their parents when they are sleepy or hungry, know better the qualities of their friends, their aspirations and goals , how various teachers treat them , know better the urges and needs within their bodies, whom they love and whom they don't , what they value and what they don't"

When we show respect to kids we believe in them and trust them to being caring and responsible and we won't rely on the carrot or stick to solve problems. It is more respectable to solve problems together in a collaborative way trying to find mutually satisfying solutions than impose solutions in a unilateral way. The kids  is given a voice. His concerns, his perspective, the way he sees his friends and the world is important information in helping us to relate to him and crucial for solving problems. We cannot solve problems in a collaborative way if we don't acknowledge that he has legitimate concerns and we have a clear understanding of them.

The CPS – collaborative problem solving process starts with ' empathy step ' gathering information about the kids concerns . We don't start with our concerns and expectations. The Sages from Beit Hillel = Hillel's school used to start out, trying to understand the others' thinking and perspectives and only then share their views and understanding. Being respectable shows concern and caring and helps the kid feel understood. He is more likely to respect you and others if he feels respected and after feeling heard , he will actually ' hear ' what you are saying.

When talking to your child , it is useful to imagine that you are talking to your 25 year old , neighbor's son or your best friend. Your language will be more respectful and also the level of the conversation will be much higher.

When we show respect to a kid , it is an uplifting experience for him. He becomes a' gavrah' – a subject  ( as opposed to an 'object' of our love, commands, rewards etc ) . He can express his opinion, share his perspective , articulate his concerns, share his experiences and participate in solving problems and participating in the decision making process in the home whenever this is appropriate.

If God could consult the angels on his decision to create man we can certainly invite children to participate in decision making especially in matters that concern them most. They learn to be empathic, take into account family members' concerns and perspectives and find solutions that meet every ones needs and concerns.

Loving a kid is important,  but more important is how we love our kids. When the kid feels he is not respected, he will feel conditionally loved and accepted. We need to love kids for who they are,  and not for what they do . When we shower warmth and love on our kids without   respect , they become ' cheftza' =  Objects of our love .

A kid once described the relationship between him and his father. My father loves a boy, he will do anything for him , he shows lots of love and warmth , but that boy is not me . It is some ' virtual son'. He does not know me.  He never asks me what I think, he never allows me to participate in making decisions with him when it concerns me.

The kid was the object of his father's love , but he  needed to feel like a 'subject' in his father's eyes.

I will end by sharing 6 words we should try to say.

A special mom- Hands Free Mama went to her daughter's swimming lesson. After the lesson she said to her daughter.

I love to watch you swim.   

This is showing love. There is no judgment, no praise,  it is just about the mom's feelings. The conversation I am sure continued with her daughter describing how she felt and what she liked or did not like about the lesson.

Balak 73 -Part 1 Honor, Dignity and respect

As the Israelites approach the promised land after 40 years of wandering in the desert , they  defeat Sichon the king of the   Amorites, and Og the king of Bashan. They now arrive at the plains of Mo'av. 

The king of Mo'av is very concerned .He understands that he needs to engage in an ' unconventional war ' in order to defeat the Israelites. He engages Bilaam –who is described as a  seer, diviner , prophet or sorcerer who practiced the occult arts. Bilaam was famous for his curses. He believed in the One God, but used his connection with God and spirituality in a negative, immoral and lewd way.  Balak , send messengers and dignitaries to invite Bilaam to come and curse the Israelites. Bilaam tells the delegation to spend the night in his home as he first has to consult with God before he can offer a reply.

God comes to Bilaam and asks him ' who are these people with you'? Rabbi Haim Shmulevitz based on the Ohr Ha'haim commentary notes that God was being concerned for Bilaam's honor, dignity and respect. God was saying – it would be degrading for your honor for you to invite this level of delegation into your and certainly to go with them. In any case God continues, you cannot curse this nation because they are blessed. Bilaam tells Balak's messengers that he cannot go with them , but a more honorable and higher level delegation would be more appropriate for him. Balak sends a more honorable delegation. Bilaam informs them that he can't disobey God but he will again consult with God. God says he can go with this delegation but be with them only in person, in a physical sense in person, but not share the purpose of their mission. He also  has to fulfill God's instructions to him.

God senses that Bilaam still wants to go and curse the Israelites so he sends the Angel of mercy to try and convince Bilaam otherwise. The she-ass sees the angel with a sword blocking her path and starts to move off the path and in the process Bilaam's leg gets hurt.  Bilaam does not see the angel and beats his ass three times. A miracle happens. The she-ass begins to speak – asking Bilaam why did he beat her, was she not a faithful animal. The implication being that if she was behaving in a strange manner, there was a good reason for this. After the dialogue ends, the she ass is killed by the angel. God then opens Bilaam's eyes and he sees the angel with a sword in his hand. The lesson was obvious – the ' prophet failed to see the angel , but his she-ass did !

 In his heart Bilaam wanted to go in the hope that he could still attempt to curse the Israelites but God said to him – you can go, but now , you have to say what I put in your mouth.

If the she-ass was allowed to live , Bilaam's dignity and respect would have been further compromised. The she-ass would be living evidence of Bilaam's shame and disgrace.  Despite Bilaam being an evil , immoral and base person who influenced others to go and enjoy sin, God was prepared to forgo the honor the presence of the ' speaking she –ass '  would bring to him and try and lessen a little the disgrace that Bilaam would suffer above what he was deserving because of his actions. We see from this how high God holds the honor and dignity of man.

What follows from God's concern for Bilaam's honor is that honor and respect have less to do with the person who is the object of our respect but more to do with the person who shows the honor and respect.

The mishnah from the Ethics of the Fathers (4:2) asks ?  -  who is respected and honored ? Our first answer would be someone like a president, head of the armed forces, a chief justice or chief Rabbi who are respected by many people. The mishnah says otherwise.

 The mishnah answers – He , that honors and respects others.

 Respect and honor is something that comes from our insides, it is not dependent on something external, it is about our character and personality. It is about being a ' subject ' , not an object of other people's admiration and respect.

So when we weigh up whether to be  respectful to other people , the question is  not about what we will get by being respectful or what will be done to us if we are not , but more about the type of person we want to be – a person who honors and respects others or not .

Honor becomes about the other when we try to be sensitive to who they are, their position and status in life.

The way we respect and honor others including children defines who we are. When people feel respected, honored, valued and held in esteem they flourish as caring human beings.

The Chazon  Ish is quoted as saying –' what children need more than love is respect.'

Being respectful to children is one of the principles of Unconditional Parenting ( Alfie Kohn)and the Collaborative problem solving approach ( Ross Greene ). In part 2 of this article I will discuss the Chazon Ish's statement  and share the role respect plays  in UP - unconditional parenting and CPS – collaborative problem solving .