Emor 74 - Pe-sach and the Redemption of speech on Shavuot.

Pesach – Passover, the festival celebrating the exodus from Egypt and Shavuot – the festival celebrating the giving of the Torah 50 days later are considered in a sense as one holiday. The intervening days when we count the o'mer -= sefirat ha'omer   marks   the process of spiritual growth and elevation towards the receiving of the Torah and thus connects Pesach and Shavuot, similar to chol ha'moed. The Zohar makes a similar connection. In Egypt speech = di'bur was in galut=exile. On Shavuot, the final redemption of speech = ge'ulat ha'dibur took place. When the Egyptian king died and it became clear that the new Pharaoh was no better than the old, the people moaned and cried out in pent- up despair. Their outcry was not one of repentance or prayer but of pain.  Because of the slavery and oppression they could not speak to God but only lift up their eyes to God as the verse in Psalms 123:2 הנה כעיני עבדים אל יד אדוניהם, כן עינינו אל ה' , תהילים קכג:ב  the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master so are our eyes unto Hashem our God They could not communicate with God as 'dibur' =speech was in exile. The process of  redemption of speech  began on Pesach = פה –סח , the' mouth relates and says' , continued when they reached ' Pee  ha'chirot' or called Pee Ha'cherut '  the mouth of freedom and reached a high after the miracle of  the Red Sea when  the children of Israel sang praises to God – the song of the Sea שירת הים.The final redemption   of speech took place on shavu'ot  when  God spoke directly to the children of Israel ( the first 2 commandments ) and Moses despite previously having a speech disability spoke  the rest of the commandments.

We give expression to the process of the redemption of speech – geulat ha'dibur on the seider night by telling and recalling the story of the exodus from Egypt. We encourage the participants and especially the children to ask questions because authentic questions drive true speech and communication.

Unfortunately, we soon forget the educational lessons of the seider night. A teacher complained that he could not get a kid in his class to listen. On the seider night we discuss the 4 sons and their questions and if a child has difficulty in asking questions we help him. Instead of theorizing about the reason the kid is not listening we should try and get that info from the kid. We might need to reassure him  that he is not in trouble and all we are trying to do is gather information from him about why it is difficult for him to listen during a lesson in Gemorrah. 

The famous educationalist Deborah Meier said that teaching is essentially listening and learning is essentially talking. Ross Greene, the originator of the CPS – collaborative problem solving approach asks challenging kids the following question - to build trust but also to understand the parent – child dynamic from the kid's point of view. What's the matter with them ( your parents )? Most often the answer is ' they don't listen to me, so I have stopped talking to them'.

If we want kids to talk to us, we must listen to them and in this way we can contribute to the redemption of their speech - ge'ulat ha'dibur.

Metzorah 74- Miserliness and Speaking Badly about Others

James Ferrel from  The Arbinger institute ,in his highly recommended TedX Talk – Resolving the Heart of Conflict  –and  Article  explains why we value problems above solutions, conflict above peace, reconciliation and  cooperation, and how to remedy the situation.

His talk also gives us an insight into one of the questions on this week's parasha-portion – Metzorah. The disease Tza'raat became progressively worse if the person did not repent from speaking badly – la'shon Ha'ra about other people. First, his home was afflicted in a supernatural way with spots and marks, and  then if he continued to sin – his clothes and then his body was afflicted. The difficulty is that his home was afflicted, not because of  him speaking badly – la'shon ha'ra but because of his Tzarut A'yin = miserliness. This is implied from the verse Leviticus 14:35 . The owner of the house is referred to as the  one to whom the house belonged – that the house was only HIS , he did not open his home up to others or lend out utensils to neighbors who needed them. What is the connection between miserliness and speaking badly about others ?

In a nutshell – James Ferrel explains that when we objectify people, or we don't share our resources with them - for example by not opening up our homes or our hearts to them , we need to justify our actions and  view of these people as being undeserving.This triggers our looking for plenty of negativity about them and sharing it with others. This inner need for justification is so strong that it overrides the need for peace and better interpersonal relationships.

In the talk he claims that we actually value problems, mistreatment, trouble, and conflict. He explains that according to Martin Buber, we don't have problems with people whom we count or identify with. We see their humanity and that they  - 'are made in God's image'. The others who don't count in our eyes are viewed as objects. It is easier to view or treat people badly if you ' objectify ' them. But objectifying people comes with a consequence – a deep inner need to justify that view. So the heart sees advantage in trouble and conflict, it provides the proof and justification that we are looking for. People then begin to value problems above solutions, conflict above peace and cooperation.

The way out of this trap is to see the humanity of others -and that they are made in God's image. In an article – James Ferrel writes about company executives, employees and representatives of the unions who spent some time in a holiday resort trying to see how they could cooperate much more efficiently. At the end of the 3 days, they attempted to resolve disputes which had been around for more than a year and that were scheduled for arbitration. 'They resolved the disputes in forty minutes , because – during the first 2 days together they solved the heart of the conflict that had been dividing them, which was the mutual objectification and blame for each other. Until they saw their conflict partners as people, with hopes, dreams, cares and fears as real as their own, they needed justification more than they needed resolution and were both unwilling and unable to find creative, mutually beneficial possibilities. They found too much advantage in problems to be able to find lasting solutions.' – James Ferrel.

We can now more easily appreciate how the Collaborative problem solving approach's mantra –' children do well if they can , and not children do well if they want to'- can apply to adults as well - , enables us to see their humanity , act with more compassion and instead of making problems worse than they are , make things better for all.

Netzavim- Rosh hashanah 73 - Te'shuvah =Repentance Autonomy and Relationship

As Rosh Hashanah, the Day of Judgment approaches, we read in this week's portion Devarim /Nitzavim 30:2 about repentance – Te'shuvah, ' and you will return unto Hashem, your God and listen to his voice'.

The Jerusalem Talmud asks 'what is the punishment to be done to the sinner '? Wisdom replies that sin pursues bad experiences. Prophecy replies that the soul that sins should die. God replies that the sinner should repent and return to him. In this way he atones for his sins.

There is discussion amongst the commentators whether Repentance- Teshuvah is a voluntary / optional commandment or are we obliged to repent and do Teshuvah. The Ma'haral from Prague   quotes the Talmud that God considers the person who does Teshuvah as having offered a ' voluntary ' sacrifice. He explains that since  the sinner no longer sees himself as subject to God's authority and decrees, his decision to repent and to return unto Hashem,  is considered by God as  if he has in an autonomous and voluntary way 'returned'  to God. And for this God is extremely grateful.

Rabbi David Lapin reconciles the two views - the commandment –mitzvah of Teshuvah is an obligation or a voluntary/optional commandment. Objectively speaking we have an obligation to repent and do Te'shuvah; subjectively speaking God considers our actions as autonomous and intrinsically motivated.

The Teshuvah associated with Rosh Hashanah focuses on our intrinsic motivation and relationship with God. We come before God as people who have changed from the inside, with a new vision and motivation. We are not the same people. Our purpose is to willingly redefine our relationship with God. We anoint and make God our king and subject ourselves to his divine commandments and guidance.

When our kids and students don't meet our expectations, we must remember that it is our duty to help and guide them to do 'Te'shuvah. This means participating together with kids in CPS – collaborative problem solving process and allowing kids in an autonomous way to engage in the moral act of restitution and making amends. The litmus test - has my relationship and trust with my kid or student been enhanced. The key words – autonomy and relationship.

Here are 2 examples of how a teacher helps a kid to do Te'shuvah.

A 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when shee ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“it's not OK to run in the halls!”), she attempted   proactive problem solving with her

Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.      

Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm.  Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run. 
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector.
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for the damage.   Adapted from Thinkkids.org

The other situation was a onetime incident where a high school boy was fooling around in the dining hall. He threw a tomato which hit a teacher. The teachers immediately demanded that he be punished and taught a lesson – he should be banned for a week from the dining hall and eat alone. His class teacher insisted that he would handle things differently. He approached the kid – described in a neutral factual way what had happened and asked the kid – what can we do about the problem? With a bit of guidance the kid came up with idea of writing an apology and explaining that his actions were not directed against the teacher, but unintentional. He said he would deal with the mess.  The kid took a friend to help him. They not only cleaned up the mess , but they cleaned the whole dining hall , floors , dust etc and arranged the tables and chairs.

If the kid would have been punished – banned from the dining hall and ordered to clean the mess , the relationship with the teacher would have been worsened and the only message the kid would have internalized was that the teacher was unfair and his mistake was to have been caught. Here the kid internalized that his behavior was inappropriate, his self esteem and respect was honored and he responded in an autonomous way and made things right beyond what was expected from him. His relationship with the teacher was enhanced as well.

From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn

'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”' 

Devarim 73 – Resolving the Heart of the Conflict and baseless Hatred

This week's Torah-Bible reading Devarim starts the 5^th book of Moses, Deuteronomy. Devarim is always read   on the Sabbath before the fast of 9^th of Av , a day where Jews reflect on the causes of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem - baseless hatred and destructive human relationships.  The temple will only be rebuilt when people are worthy of a temple by being  loving and caring towards one another.

With so much conflict on a family, community, national and international level one cannot but ask – What's getting in the way?

James Ferrel from  The Arbinger institute , in his highly recommended TedX Talk – Resolving the Heart of Conflict  – takes us first through a family scenario, then corporate life, international politics and then ends off with an emotional story about a father and son. I share here only his ideas and one example from an article not discussed in his Tedx Talk. 

He claims that we actually value problems, mistreatment, trouble, and conflict. He explains that according to Martin Buber, we don't have problems with people whom we count or identify with. We see their humanity and 'are made in God's image'. The others who don't count in our eyes are viewed as objects. It is easier to view or treat people badly if you ' objectify ' them. But objectifying people comes with a consequence – a deep inner need to justify that view. So the heart sees advantage in trouble and conflict, it provides the proof and justification that we are looking for. People then begin to value problems above solutions, conflict above peace and cooperation.

The book of Deuteronomy is Moses last sermon to the Israelites. He recounts their history together, especially the failed mission of the spies. The spies went on their mission with a negative view of the Promised Land. This created a need inside of them to justify that view. So they went into the land 'digging' for problems and trouble. They reported that it is '  a land that eats its inhabitants'. After the report of the spies, this negativity was directed against God himself. To justify this negativity, they said that it was clear that God's purpose in taking them out of Egypt was to destroy them in the desert by the hands of the Amorites.

The way out of this trap is to see the humanity of others and that they are made in God's image. In an article – James Ferrel writes about company executives, employees and representatives of the unions who spent some time in a holiday resort trying to see how they could cooperate much more efficiently. At the end of the 3 days, they attempted to resolve disputes which had been around for more than a year and that were scheduled for arbitration.

'They resolved the dispute in forty minutes , because – during the first 2 days together they solved the heart of the conflict that had been dividing them, which was the mutual objectification and blame for each other. Until they saw their conflict partners as people, with hopes and dreams and cares and fears as real as their own, they needed justification more than they needed resolution and were both unwilling and unable to find creative, mutually beneficial possibilities. They found too much advantage in problems to be able to find lasting solutions.' – James Ferrel.

We can now more easily appreciate how the Collaborative and Pro-active solutions approach - which focuses on collaborative problem solving -   mantra –' children do well if they can , and not children do well if they want to'-which we can apply to adults as well - , enables us to see their humanity , act with more compassion and instead of making problems worse than they are , make things better for all.

Mattot - 73 Make a Plan instead of a promise !

This week's Torah –Bible reading deals with the laws of ne'darim= vows and she'vu'ot = oaths. People   expressed the seriousness of their   commitments and obligations by means of the oaths and vows. A neder=vow essentially changes the status of the object for example, BEER becomes forbidden to the person making the vow or he dedicates it to the temple. A she'vu'ah =oath impacts on the person – I take an oath not to drink beer. These commitments were binding to the extent that if a person wanted to go back on his word and annul the vow or oath , he could not  do it by himself ,but  needed the help of a third qualified person.

This section was taught first to the head of the tribes and then the rest of the nation   close to their entry to the Promised Land. On a simple level, it   comes after Moses taught laws concerning   sacrifices and offerings, including voluntary ones to which a person obligates himself by using a vow or oath. On a deeper level, it comes before the Israelites enter the Promised Land and create a society based on Godly, social, moral obligations and commitment. When words are holy and sacrosanct people's 'word is a word'. A person's words then create obligations and are binding. Society can enforce the rule of law by using ' power' or rely on people obeying the law because of self –interest. Power corrupts and a society were self interest prevails, we find exploitation and injustice. When people obey the law by honoring their moral obligations we have a trusting and caring society. Trust creates social cohesion and freedom to be self directed and autonomous. This section was taught to heads of the tribes to remind the politicians and leadership the importance of keeping their words and promises, not only as individuals but as powerful people in the community.- Rabbi Jonathon Sacks

People are challenged enough to fulfill  their commitments, so King Solomon in the Book of Ecclesiastes 5:4 says' it is better not to take a vow , than to take a vow and not pay'. Rabbi Meier in the Talmud says it is better just to bring one's offerings without making a vow beforehand.

The problem with making promises,  New Year's resolutions and  vows is that instead of strengthening our resolve they have the opposite effect. Promises give people the feeling that they have already done something and in this way, they are pretty effective at getting people off one's back and forever delaying the making good ,the promise. These are called nidrei re'sha'im – the vows of wicked people.

King David in Psalms 119:106 says 'I have sworn – and I will fulfill to keep your righteous judgments.' Since an oath was made at Mount Sinai to fulfill the covenant between the Israelites and God, King David's oath is more about being spiritual uplifted and expressing a dedication to do God's commandments than making an oath.

The lesson we should learn from this is that making good one's promises, commitments, resolutions, and keeping one's word is not easy and we should therefore take steps to make sure our words are holy and act on them. Instead of taking oaths and making promises we should simply ask ourselves how can I get the job done. There is research showing - that instead of using hype language – I can do it! Asking oneself -  can I do it ? will open up the brain to thinking and an action plan. People are more effective when they ask questions about a task than making a committing themselves to do a task.

In the home , parents often complain that kid's don't keep their promises or having  participated in the CPS – collaborative and pro-active solutions model which focuses on collaborative problem solving process, they  don't  follow through on their part of a  solution to a problem. Part of the CPS process is to review how the solution is playing out and if necessary going back to the drawing board. In real life the first solution is not always the last solution. While keeping one's part of an agreement is important and building and maintaining trust is vital for a family to function, it is more effective to try to come up with a better solution. This means checking to see  if there are any unidentified concerns , getting more clarity on your kid's concerns, making sure that the solution is really mutually satisfactory and most important realistic and doable. This means helping a kid with procedures or an action plan so he can follow throw with his side of the solution.

In order to help kids become trustworthy and act on their words, we need to support their autonomy and help them be self-directed. When they feel compelled and coerced making promises are the easiest way for them to get us off their backs. They should have a sense of belonging and purpose and most important be competence to engage in a plan of action to make good their obligations and commitments.

Chukat 73 Using power or leading by greatness

On a national level, Moses -by virtue of being the leader of the children of Israel lost the right to enter the Promised Land   together with the generation of the spies. On a personal level, he lost this right when he failed to sanctify and glorify God's name by speaking to the rock so it would provide water for the thirsty people and instead he hit the rock twice.

God's plan was that Moses would gather the elders and great people = eidah in front of the rock. They would engage in the study of God's teachings and in this way cause the ' shechina – God's presence to be among them. Then Moses would command the rock to give forth water. The miracle would also teach the people a lesson – that if nature – a hard rock obediently becomes a well at God's request, we – the children of Israel who appreciate the divine intelligence and good should obey God's will out of a sense of mission , with joy and happiness and certainly not feel compelled to serve him.

On the previous occasion when Moses hit the rock , the action was attributed to MOSES -  MOSES brought forth water from the rock. Here it would be different. By speaking to the rock ,the action would be attributed to the ROCK. The ROCK brought forth water.

So what went wrong? Moses extended the invitation to everybody and a miracle was performed so everybody could see the rock. The ' airev rav' – Egyptians who for expedience and not religious reasons left Egypt with the children of Israel began to provoke Moses. They said –The miracle would be a true one only if they would choose the rock ( and not the rock chosen by God ). They reasoned - Moses being a shepherd knew which rock was a source for water.

These provocations rang true with the rest of the nation and this put to an end the plan that studying God's teaching would help Moses change the laws of nature. Moses felt he had to reprimand the people and said ' Hear now, you rebels and fools! Why do think your understanding is greater than your teacher's '. When Moses took on the leadership of the children of Israel he was told that he should always speak respectfully to his people despite any provocations and defiance. This display of frustration and slight anger at having ' his buttons pushed ' was not only a regrettable moment for Moses but also interfered with his ability to perform the miracle. He then spoke to the rock – nothing happened, he then hit the rock with the rod -  only a trickle of water came out . He hit the rock again and water gushed out forming a stream.

The above event is called the ' Mei me'rivah '  - the waters of strife – despite the end result that Moses provided plenty of water for his thirsty people.

We as parents can learn the following lessons.

A.    ATMOSPHERE

1 The atmosphere in a home can set the stage for positive or negative interactions. Is the atmosphere relaxed, happy, full of music, song, dance, conversation, laughter  people connecting , bonding, cooperating ?

2 When the home becomes an informal learning environment kids hear parent communication not as commands but the 'guide by the side ' offering valuable information and eternal values. This helps kids acquire a thinking and collaborative problem solving   (CPS) mindset .

B. Power or Greatness/influence

Moses used his rod=power to get water from the rock instead of speaking to the rock applying his greatness and influence. When we use power in the home, we may get the ' behavior ' we want, but not any commitment to the values underlying the behavior. In fact, using power in the form of punishment, criticism , threats , bribes, nagging, judgmental praise , is merely using ' be'shevet piv  ' the rod of his mouth( Isaiah 11:4)  ,'doing to ' kids.

We can lead by greatness and influence our kids when we use words to ' work with and collaborate with them so they become the authors of their actions. When we use power to get a kid to clean his room, it is we who have cleaned the room. And when we add rewards and punishments we take responsibility for the kid's behavior , placing the 'locus of control' outside the child.

C My Buttons were pushed

Because anger or acting out of anger is frowned upon and we don't want people to perceive that we have an anger problem we never say ' I got angry '  but use more legitimate language -  my kid pushed my buttons or my buttons were pushed. In this way we absolve ourselves from taking responsibility for displays of frustration and anger. It helps if we become aware of our situation of weakness and use mindful breathing to calm ourselves.

If we believe in the CPS mantra ' children do well if they can'  and not if they want to we will ask ourselves how can we work with them and not try to use power to coerce them.

The ' Mei Me'rivah' = waters of strife episode where Moses hit the rock instead of speaking to the rock teaches us the importance of creating a happy, trusting ,  relaxed atmosphere conducive to  informal learning where parents lead by their greatness and influence rather than using power. In this way parents are unlikely to have their buttons pushed and if that happens they will be aware of themselves , step back and calm down.

Shelach -73 The Spies and Parenting

The children of Israel are about to enter the land of Israel. They then display a lack of faith in God by demanding that spies be sent to check out the land. The mission of the spies was a disaster. They spoke badly about the Promised Land causing a national crisis of faith. God then decreed that the people would spend the next 40 years in the desert until that  generation had  died out. The following generation would have the privilege to enter and conquer the ' promised land.'

 The Bible commentaries ask – what went wrong, what caused the greatest people of that generation to slander the Promised Land and undermine the people's will to enter the Promised Land?

 The Zohar explains that the spies went on their mission knowing that in the new order in the land of Israel, they would no longer live  spiritual lives in close proximity to Godliness, but would have to get involved in the physical world. This would require a new leadership. This was the beginning of their ' descent 'from leadership and greatness. 

So they set out on this ' national ' mission tainted with subconscious negative thoughts and feelings that distorted their ' view ' of the land of Israel. God made sure that the spies would go unnoticed by causing the ' evil nations ' living in the land to be busy attending many funerals. The spies interpreted this in a negative way.' It is a land that eats its inhabitants'. If they were wearing positive lenses, they would have seen the hand of God coming to their aid.

The lesson – how we view people or incidents has sometimes more to do with our state of mind, our feelings than the person or events themselves.

For parents having a ' rough parenting time' or having their buttons continually pushed, how they view our kids can have a big impact on their kids, the interventions they use and of course on their own emotional growth.

Negative feelings, helplessness and despair can easily lead parents to view their kids as ' oppositional, defiant, difficult, aggressive, coercive, lazy, rude, manipulative, attention-seeking, and irresponsible etc. And if you are getting professional help, this description will help your kid get the Oppositional, defiant disorder – O.D.D label. If a parent is feeling negative and down, it is easy to attribute kid's behavior to negative character traits.

If we are feeling positive about ourselves, and see ourselves as a source of help and joy for our kids, we are more likely not to say – my son is a difficult kid, but rather my son has difficulties and challenges. We will be able to view him with ' compassion' and say the CPS – collaborative problem solving – manta ' children do well if they can, and not children do well if they want to'. We will attribute his problems to lagging skills and not ' motivational 'issues. We will not try to make him ' wanna' behave but rather find out what is getting in his way.

Our view of our kids can impact on our own personal growth.  If we see our kids as defiant, coercive, manipulative etc we are more likely to use control, power, leverage, threats, bribes, rewards, punishments and consequences , ' doing to' your kids. If we see kids as having  lagging skills , we will ' work with them ' collaborating to solve problems , teaching skills and enhancing our  relationship with them. In this way, if we as parents become more aware of ourselves, our challenging kids can become the catalysts to tremendous emotional growth.

Positive feelings enable us to see our kids in a more compassionate way, and help us also connect to our inner beings and values. We can then, in the words of a leading business consultant Rabbi David Lapin, - Lead by Greatness.  CPS and its mantra ' children do well if they can allows us to ' lead by greatness' and help not only our kids but ourselves realize great potential

Beha'alotcha-73 Are You a Complainer or Problem solver ?

The weekly Torah=Bible reading of Beha'alotcha from the book of Numbers relates various complaints against God that the children of Israel had in the desert.

The people had 'manna' from heaven as their food. They began to complain about the lack of meat and vegetables recalling  the vegetables that they got ' free' in Egypt.

 On the other hand , the Torah tells us that there were those who expressed a certain sadness and disappointment on not being able to contribute and participate in the 'pesach=pascal sacrifice. This sacrifice was a symbol of the covenant between God and his people culminating in the redemption from Egypt. They could not participate in the pesach=pascal sacrifice because they were impure. This impurity was caused by their carrying Joseph's coffin. Aaron, Moses brother was also depressed that he and his tribe were not invited to contribute offerings to the newly established tabernacle in the desert.

As parents and teachers we should be helping kids to deal with the challenges and frustrations of life. CPS – the collaborative problem solving approach is a great way to give kids these cognitive problem solving tools. But just as important we should help them with an approach, and a philosophy to life's problems, disappointments and frustrations.

Are we ' complainers' who express frustration and feel deprived? Or do we see life's problems as challenges, problems to be solved, and opportunities to grow? Are mistakes our friends, which provide learning opportunities, and do we  say failure is not in the falling, but not getting up? Are we frustrated that we are being deprived and did not ' receive '  something or are we disappointed because of  missed opportunities to ' give ' and make a contribution to others.

The basic difference between the ' complainers ' and ' problem solvers'  is how they respond to reality. Complainers try to fight reality and this is usually takes the form of a lot of emotional negative statements and complaints – ' He shouldn't….. why did he …. Why can't I …., why don't I have ……   .  Problem solvers don't try to fight reality. They accept reality , they accept heavenly decrees. This liberates them emotionally from any negative feeling and sets the stage for problem solving.

Instead of complaining about your kids , accept the reality that ' kids do well if they can ' and not kids do well if they want to '  = ( the CPS approach mantra). Now you are emotionally free of the ' he shouldn't being doing that …', he is not trying hard enough.., he shouldn't be so rude and defiant… etc to ask what is getting in my kid's way , so how can I help him.

One of the ways to solve a problem is to ask for help. Complainers don't ask for help. They generally express a lot of negativity and their complaints are not really problems to be solved but are symptomatic of the problems they have with life itself.

Modeling and teaching collaborative problem solving skills and an approach to life's problems and frustrations we can help our kids and ourselves to be Collaborative Problem Solvers and not Complainers.