The Chazon Ish is quoted as saying –' what children need
more than love is respect.'
Being respectful to children is one of
the principles of Unconditional Parenting ( Alfie Kohn)and the Collaborative
problem solving approach ( Ross Greene ). In part 2 of this article I discuss
the Chazon Ish's statement and share the
role respect plays in UP - unconditional
parenting quoting from the UP book and CPS – collaborative problem solving
approach .
Parents often forget that the laws and
expectations governing interpersonal relationships with others include
children, and think that kids don't deserve respect in the way that adults do.
A
kid that forgets a book at home is usually gets a mouthful of ' what is the
matter with you ?, how many times have I to remind you to look around for your
things before you leave ! With an adult , we would simply say here is your
book. - AK
When kids are not held in great esteem it
becomes easier for parents to treat kids disrespectfully. They tend to
attribute unflattering attributes to kids such as manipulative, attention
seeking, defiant, irresponsible and become more controlling and authoritarian.
They fail to see that kids have legitimate concerns, write off their kids'
requests, dismiss their feelings of anger or trivialize their fears and are
often talk about their kids in a belittling way – 'oh, she 's just being a
prima donna ' or just ignore her when she gets like that'. This happens also because
parents think that because they are the parents and are more mature,
experienced and clever. They fail to realize that kids are more knowledgeable
about some matters than they are. Thomas Gordon said it well " children
sometimes know better than their parents when they are sleepy or hungry, know
better the qualities of their friends, their aspirations and goals , how
various teachers treat them , know better the urges and needs within their
bodies, whom they love and whom they don't , what they value and what they
don't"
When we show respect to kids we believe
in them and trust them to being caring and responsible and we won't rely on the
carrot or stick to solve problems. It is more respectable to solve problems
together in a collaborative way trying to find mutually satisfying solutions
than impose solutions in a unilateral way. The kids is given a voice. His concerns, his
perspective, the way he sees his friends and the world is important information
in helping us to relate to him and crucial for solving problems. We cannot
solve problems in a collaborative way if we don't acknowledge that he has
legitimate concerns and we have a clear understanding of them.
The CPS – collaborative problem solving
process starts with ' empathy step ' gathering information about the kids
concerns . We don't start with our concerns and expectations. The Sages from
Beit Hillel = Hillel's school used to start out, trying to understand the
others' thinking and perspectives and only then share their views and
understanding. Being respectable shows concern and caring and helps the kid
feel understood. He is more likely to respect you and others if he feels
respected and after feeling heard , he will actually ' hear ' what you are
saying.
When talking to your child , it is useful
to imagine that you are talking to your 25 year old , neighbor's son or your
best friend. Your language will be more respectful and also the level of the
conversation will be much higher.
When we show respect to a kid , it is an
uplifting experience for him. He becomes a' gavrah' – a subject ( as opposed to an 'object' of our love,
commands, rewards etc ) . He can express his opinion, share his perspective ,
articulate his concerns, share his experiences and participate in solving
problems and participating in the decision making process in the home whenever
this is appropriate.
If God could consult the angels on his
decision to create man we can certainly invite children to participate in
decision making especially in matters that concern them most. They learn to be
empathic, take into account family members' concerns and perspectives and find
solutions that meet every ones needs and concerns.
Loving a kid is important, but more important is how we love our kids.
When the kid feels he is not respected, he will feel conditionally loved and
accepted. We need to love kids for who they are, and not for what they do . When we shower
warmth and love on our kids without respect , they become ' cheftza' = Objects of our love .
A kid once described the relationship
between him and his father. My father loves a boy, he will do anything for him
, he shows lots of love and warmth , but that boy is not me . It is some '
virtual son'. He does not know me. He
never asks me what I think, he never allows me to participate in making
decisions with him when it concerns me.
The kid was the object of his father's
love , but he needed to feel like a
'subject' in his father's eyes.
I will end by sharing 6 words we should
try to say.
A special mom- Hands Free Mama went to
her daughter's swimming lesson. After the lesson she said to her daughter.
I love to watch you swim.
This is showing love. There is no
judgment, no praise, it is just about
the mom's feelings. The conversation I am sure continued with her daughter describing
how she felt and what she liked or did not like about the lesson.
