Shelach 74- Mindfulness and the Mitzvah – Commandment of Tzitzit.

The beginning of our Parasha-portion Shelach deals with the mission of the meraglim-spies and the national crisis of faith caused by their negative report. The end of the parasha-portion Numbers 15:38  concludes with the commandment/mitzvah to wear Tzitzit-fringes on the corners of our clothes. The Mitzvah of tzitzit comes to repair the spiritual damage done by the spies and is a constant reminder to us, to be mindful and aware of our duty towards God – being holy and performing all his commandments. The spies were told -  וראיתם את הארץ    and you shall SEE the land and God commands us – וראיתם אתו and that you may SEE it= the tzitzit. The problem of the spies was not what they saw, but ' how ' they looked at the land, what color lenses were they wearing. In light of the spies' sin, we are warned ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם אשר אתם זונים אחריהם, and 'do not explore after your heart and eyes after which you stray.' Here, the heart and the eyes are the spies for the body –the material, animal and negative emotional side of us.

There are 2 problems which distort and interfere with a person being in the present and having clear perception and insight. We look at things with a personal bias and self interest , often colored with our fears, anxieties, insecurities or other negative emotions. Secondly, we often operate as automats, without any thinking and our bodies totally in control. In this way our seeing and subsequent actions are rote and automatic - מצוות אנשים מלומדה.

Mindful awareness or simply Mindfulness gives us a ' way of looking' that helps ' being in the present ' without bias or the emotions directing the way we look and see. We need to become impartial spectators that look, see and notice   without any judgment. But first we need just to learn to stop and be in the present. We just need to notice and be aware of the outer world and be aware of where our attention is and then choose where to focus and then see with intention in a purely objective way. We may need to quieten our inner world – our emotions by simply being aware of how we are feeling and then put it aside.  Once we have made our observations, we can then make a decision how to act in the world connected to our inner core and values such as caring, compassion and courage. Mindfulness supports a person's need for autonomy and self-direction.

If we look at the mitzvah of Tzitzit, we see that the Torah is using a Mindful Awareness technique. We first need to stop and intently notice the Tzitzit. We need to be aware of our biases, our emotions that are seated in the ' heart' and then put them aside so that we do not stray after our eyes and hearts. We notice the Te'cheilet, the blue color which reminds us of the sea and then the sky – who both serve God – and then we are reminded of God's throne of Glory representing God's sovereignty over man to obey him and perform all his commandments. We can also notice the knots. Tying a knot is often a useful way to remind us of something. So the knots remind us something about Tzitzit , that the numerical value of the word is 600 and there are 8 threads and 5 knots make a total of 613 , the number of the Biblical commandments. And this leads to us performing the commandments and being holy.

The spies went on their mission with a negative view of the land fuelled by their fears, anxieties and insecurities about the future. They had an internal need to justify this view and so their hearts directed the way their eyes would see the land.

Mindful awareness is a great tool to help all kids and not only the ones with attention difficulties or emotional regulation problems to be in the present and become more caring, compassionate and courageous people in their learning, service of God and making a contribution to society.

Devarim 73 – Resolving the Heart of the Conflict and baseless Hatred

This week's Torah-Bible reading Devarim starts the 5^th book of Moses, Deuteronomy. Devarim is always read   on the Sabbath before the fast of 9^th of Av , a day where Jews reflect on the causes of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem - baseless hatred and destructive human relationships.  The temple will only be rebuilt when people are worthy of a temple by being  loving and caring towards one another.

With so much conflict on a family, community, national and international level one cannot but ask – What's getting in the way?

James Ferrel from  The Arbinger institute , in his highly recommended TedX Talk – Resolving the Heart of Conflict  – takes us first through a family scenario, then corporate life, international politics and then ends off with an emotional story about a father and son. I share here only his ideas and one example from an article not discussed in his Tedx Talk. 

He claims that we actually value problems, mistreatment, trouble, and conflict. He explains that according to Martin Buber, we don't have problems with people whom we count or identify with. We see their humanity and 'are made in God's image'. The others who don't count in our eyes are viewed as objects. It is easier to view or treat people badly if you ' objectify ' them. But objectifying people comes with a consequence – a deep inner need to justify that view. So the heart sees advantage in trouble and conflict, it provides the proof and justification that we are looking for. People then begin to value problems above solutions, conflict above peace and cooperation.

The book of Deuteronomy is Moses last sermon to the Israelites. He recounts their history together, especially the failed mission of the spies. The spies went on their mission with a negative view of the Promised Land. This created a need inside of them to justify that view. So they went into the land 'digging' for problems and trouble. They reported that it is '  a land that eats its inhabitants'. After the report of the spies, this negativity was directed against God himself. To justify this negativity, they said that it was clear that God's purpose in taking them out of Egypt was to destroy them in the desert by the hands of the Amorites.

The way out of this trap is to see the humanity of others and that they are made in God's image. In an article – James Ferrel writes about company executives, employees and representatives of the unions who spent some time in a holiday resort trying to see how they could cooperate much more efficiently. At the end of the 3 days, they attempted to resolve disputes which had been around for more than a year and that were scheduled for arbitration.

'They resolved the dispute in forty minutes , because – during the first 2 days together they solved the heart of the conflict that had been dividing them, which was the mutual objectification and blame for each other. Until they saw their conflict partners as people, with hopes and dreams and cares and fears as real as their own, they needed justification more than they needed resolution and were both unwilling and unable to find creative, mutually beneficial possibilities. They found too much advantage in problems to be able to find lasting solutions.' – James Ferrel.

We can now more easily appreciate how the Collaborative and Pro-active solutions approach - which focuses on collaborative problem solving -   mantra –' children do well if they can , and not children do well if they want to'-which we can apply to adults as well - , enables us to see their humanity , act with more compassion and instead of making problems worse than they are , make things better for all.

Shelach -73 The Spies and Parenting

The children of Israel are about to enter the land of Israel. They then display a lack of faith in God by demanding that spies be sent to check out the land. The mission of the spies was a disaster. They spoke badly about the Promised Land causing a national crisis of faith. God then decreed that the people would spend the next 40 years in the desert until that  generation had  died out. The following generation would have the privilege to enter and conquer the ' promised land.'

 The Bible commentaries ask – what went wrong, what caused the greatest people of that generation to slander the Promised Land and undermine the people's will to enter the Promised Land?

 The Zohar explains that the spies went on their mission knowing that in the new order in the land of Israel, they would no longer live  spiritual lives in close proximity to Godliness, but would have to get involved in the physical world. This would require a new leadership. This was the beginning of their ' descent 'from leadership and greatness. 

So they set out on this ' national ' mission tainted with subconscious negative thoughts and feelings that distorted their ' view ' of the land of Israel. God made sure that the spies would go unnoticed by causing the ' evil nations ' living in the land to be busy attending many funerals. The spies interpreted this in a negative way.' It is a land that eats its inhabitants'. If they were wearing positive lenses, they would have seen the hand of God coming to their aid.

The lesson – how we view people or incidents has sometimes more to do with our state of mind, our feelings than the person or events themselves.

For parents having a ' rough parenting time' or having their buttons continually pushed, how they view our kids can have a big impact on their kids, the interventions they use and of course on their own emotional growth.

Negative feelings, helplessness and despair can easily lead parents to view their kids as ' oppositional, defiant, difficult, aggressive, coercive, lazy, rude, manipulative, attention-seeking, and irresponsible etc. And if you are getting professional help, this description will help your kid get the Oppositional, defiant disorder – O.D.D label. If a parent is feeling negative and down, it is easy to attribute kid's behavior to negative character traits.

If we are feeling positive about ourselves, and see ourselves as a source of help and joy for our kids, we are more likely not to say – my son is a difficult kid, but rather my son has difficulties and challenges. We will be able to view him with ' compassion' and say the CPS – collaborative problem solving – manta ' children do well if they can, and not children do well if they want to'. We will attribute his problems to lagging skills and not ' motivational 'issues. We will not try to make him ' wanna' behave but rather find out what is getting in his way.

Our view of our kids can impact on our own personal growth.  If we see our kids as defiant, coercive, manipulative etc we are more likely to use control, power, leverage, threats, bribes, rewards, punishments and consequences , ' doing to' your kids. If we see kids as having  lagging skills , we will ' work with them ' collaborating to solve problems , teaching skills and enhancing our  relationship with them. In this way, if we as parents become more aware of ourselves, our challenging kids can become the catalysts to tremendous emotional growth.

Positive feelings enable us to see our kids in a more compassionate way, and help us also connect to our inner beings and values. We can then, in the words of a leading business consultant Rabbi David Lapin, - Lead by Greatness.  CPS and its mantra ' children do well if they can allows us to ' lead by greatness' and help not only our kids but ourselves realize great potential