Vayigash 75 - Nurture Yourself so that You Look Good

At their first meeting Pharaoh is struck by Jacob- Yaakov's appearance .This prompts him to ask Jacob his age, something that a king would not normally inquire of a visitor. Yaakov felt that he had to justify   and explain why he looked much older than he was. He answered that he was 130 years old.  He   had not lived as long in a qualitative sense as his forefathers as his life was not a happy one with many problems, living as a stranger in other peoples lands. The commentators note that God criticized Yaakov.  Yaakov's complaining about his life was in fact a complaint against God. Although Jacob had   had serious problems concerning Aisav-Esau, Lavan, Dina and Joseph  that made life very hard and difficult for so many years, there was a 'happy ending'. In any case, despite problems people should be happy and grateful for life itself. As a consequence, Yaakov's lifespan was shortened by 33 years because of the 33 words of complaint he had voiced. Instead of living to 180 years like his father Isaac- Yitzchak, Yaakov died at the age of 147. But if we look at the verses in the Torah, we see that  Yaakov only uttered 25 words including the words and 'Yaakov said to Pharaoh.'  Only if we add Pharaoh's question – 8 words, we get 33 words. Yaakov is not only held  accountable for complaining about his life but also for the way he looked – something that prompted Pharaoh to ask his question. If we happily accept reality and don't complain we will have less stressful lives, deal with situations more creatively and   look so much better.

As parents we have a responsibility to nurture ourselves and have the right attitude so we look good. We need to be thankful and feel honored by God for believing in our abilities and giving us the privilege to raise these ' challenging kids '. We need to be the source of happiness, hope and joy, so it is fun to be around us. We have to be the ' Thermostat' that calms things down  in the home, avoids conflict and solves problems in a collaborative way, rather than causing stress.

Nurturing oneself is for your children and the following story explains it well. It is important for all parents and especially parents of challenging kids.  A woman went to check out what was happening at her neighbors, a young widow who  had 7 children. The kids were in the yard, some were crying and the others did not look too happy. The woman went into the house and to her dismay found the mother eating a good meal. The widow explained that if she wants to have the strength and energy to look after 7 hungry kids, she needs to eat well. So we need to be selfish - it is for the kids.

 Nurture yourself; consider yourself a person who has needs, for relaxation, privacy, rest, exercise, to eat well, reading, socializing, and learning, being empowered emotionally and spiritually. Live your own life .If you don't consider yourself worthy of the above, your kids will treat you as a doormat and not a real person with needs.

 Be positive and think positively about others and remember the CPS mantra, – children (also people) do well if they can.  Deal   with negative thoughts and decide that you want to be happy and not be  right. When we rely less on others, and don't have expectations we are less likely to become angry. Don't take issues personally, mouthing is part of the poor coping skills. Put your relationship with your kids first before getting them to do things. Remember to use – LEE = low expressed emotion and not HEE- high expressed emotion.   

                             

 Nurture your relationship with your spouse, spend time together not talking about the kids, best to have fixed times during the week.  Let your kids do 'sleep over's' during the school week - respite for you and generally they ' think ' better at others and it is a good learning experience. Find mentors, buddy-tutors, family, baby sitters who can spend time with your kids, good for them, respite for you. Get support from local charities, your community, an older brother or buddy from the local school.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Understand that education is a process; there are no quick fixes or magic bullet. Patience is the name of the game. But think positively about your kids so that you attract positive forces. Only talk to the few people who understand how stressful parenting a challenging kid is, get support on forums or other support groups. To the others say that your child has certain challenges and that you are following expert advice.  But believe in yourself, that you are moving in the right direction and have the ability to parent your kids.

Mikeitz 75 - Joseph - Honoring your father

Joseph has become the ' viceroy' of Egypt, second in command to Pharaoh. He is blessed with 2 sons. He names his eldest son Menasheh acknowledging that God has helped him to forget all the  hardships which his brothers inflicted on him and his entire father's home.  This seems to explain the 22 years that Joseph did not contact his father and put him out of his misery and focus instead on creating a new family and history.  Joseph was being thankful that God removed any ill feeling that he had for his brothers and that he understood that everything   that happened was part of a Divine master plan. Joseph saw his purpose was   to reunify the family and to realize his dreams. Only after the brothers had done Teshuvah= repentance and regretted their ' selling' of their brother could the family be reunited. He couldn't reveal his destiny to his father because he was part of an agreement made by the brothers that 'banned' anyone revealing to Ya'akov- Jacob what had happened and Joseph's whereabouts without their consent. Even God was party to this oath and so Isaac who through prophecy knew of Joseph's plight was unable to comfort a mourning Jacob.

 Contacting his father and performing the mitzvah of honoring his father presented another problem. It could be only done at the expense of his brothers. They would have been disgraced when the reality –' a beast has devoured my son Joseph and torn him to bits' was found to be a cover up for the sale of Joseph. This would have also compromised family unity. There are limitations and boundaries to the mitzvah of honoring parents. The Talmud –Ketuvot 103 relates how 'Rebbi' on his death bed gave instructions to his sons as to what positions of leadership some of his   sons and students were to be assigned. R' Haninah was to be given the position of Rosh Ha'yeshivah.  He refused to accept the position as this would be at the expense of R' Afes who was older than him. Rebbi's sons and students did not insist on honoring Rebbi's instruction as it would be at the expense of someone else.

I find it interesting that both Isaac and Jacob did not rebuke their sons for not honoring them and not fulfilling the mitzvah of ' Kibud AV'. It could be that parents perceive their parental authority and honor is not dependent and derived from the Torah itself.  Teachers teach kids that the Torah gives a parent authority because of their positions as parents and there is a very important mitzvah to honor their wishes and respect them.   Parents however cannot demand obedience because of the Torah. It not only undermines their authority, but it comes at a cost to children. Parents who invoke the Torah in the hope that kids will respect them come across as weak and have no stature, personality or leadership to deal with their kids. Parents should embrace the ' authoritative pose or stance ' of leadership rather than ' authoritarian '. Their source of authority is not because of the 'power' their position or status gives, but their sense of humility about the great responsibility of parenting and addressing the needs of kids in a way that respects their dignity. Their credibility is independent of their status but rather depends on who they are as teachers, guides and care givers. I remember a father asking a Rabbi if his child has to stand up when he comes into the room. The Rabbi said yes, but you also have to be a father. And that's why the child stands up and addresses the parent – My father, my teacher. Demanding respect and having demands that are developmentally not appropriate or you know your child is not the easy going compliant type of kid, will just create conflict and disrespect. You will also have some responsibility for the child's behavior - transgressing the mitzvah of' ' Kibud Av ve Aim ' as your parental demands are for sure to be ' a stumbling block before the eyes of a blind person'. Focusing on 'compliance' means that parents have to resort to the use of power either using punishments, consequences or trying to control through seduction with rewards. Not only do kids resist being controlled but these methods do not contribute to a commitment and kids internalizing the values behind the things we ask them to do. Better to use  ' I messages ' -  the playroom is in a mess , It would  be great to have a nice, clean and tidy room instead of you made a mess of the playroom , go and tidy it up! I messages focus on how the parent feels, they don't judge the kids and provoke resistance but allow the kid to take responsibility for her behavior. We can use ' dialog questions '  and even better use collaborative problem solving as a tool not only to solve problems but to collaborate with kids in all areas of life. Parents start to feel listened to when they use collaborative problem solving. When kids feel understood and they concerns heard, they are more likely to hear the concerns of parents and take their perspectives. They learn to trust their parents as guides and seek them out for guidance, support and feedback as they navigate their worlds.  And in this way parents earn respect and honor in the most authentic way.  When parents don't focus on their honor and are prepared to 'forgo ' or relinquish it  =' mochel  bich'vodo' , they  make room for their roles as guides and teachers  and this actually enhances  the respect and honor kids will have for them. 

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Vayeshev 75 - Favoritism

Jacob-Ya'akov develops a special relationship with Joseph- Yoseif and invests a lot of time learning with him and passing onto him his spiritual heritage. Yoseif's brothers see this relationship alienate their father's love for them and feel that their spiritual futures are being threatened. Only one son succeeded Abraham and Isaac and it seemed that they were going to be excluded from the family. Ya'akov gave Yoseif a coat of many colors symbolizing royalty and leadership, a recognition of Yoseif's potential and talent and also to encourage the other brothers to work on themselves. This was supposed to be a form of constructive competition – kin'at soferim, but was viewed  by the brothers as   favoritism. This caused discord, hate and jealousy. The brothers sold Yoseif into slavery. They  felt fully justified in taking this step to protect their spiritual worlds and future..  Because of this, the Sages warn parents not to show favoritism between kids . This  applies even when it comes to sharing inheritance, one needs  to treat kids equally and fairly. Even a so-called ' bad' child  should get the same inheritance as a 'good' child.  The consequence of this favoritism was the exile and bondage in Egypt. If not for the sale of Yoseif, the exile which started from the birth of Isaac- Yitzchak would have played itself out many more years in the land of Canaan and only  the last generation would spend the exile in Egypt.

When we talk about favoritism and possible sibling rivalry, we need to note that we are dealing with the perceptions of children. Only when kids become parents themselves, they will appreciate, like a candle a parent can light up a child with love and this does not detract from their ability to love other kids. The problem is how we love children. Traditional parenting encourages parents to show more love, warmth and enthusiasm when kids behave themselves and are successful in school, on the sports-field, socially etc and withdraw the love and attention when they behave badly or are unsuccessful. Love is seen to be something to be earned and can 'leverage ' good behavior.  Teachers and some parents go a step further – they think that if David sees that Josh is being praised for good behavior and high tests scores, this will encourage David to behave well and work hard for tests.  What really happens is the challenging kid feels less loved and jealous of his brother.  It is the challenging kids, the trouble makers, the unsuccessful kids who need more attention and love. They need  to be reassured that they are loved and accepted for who they are and not what they do.

Sometimes it is the good and easy going child that needs more attention and love than what they are getting at the present time. Some kids, especially kids with challenges require more 'maintenance ' and time to meet their needs. These kids are usually challenged in the areas of flexibility, frustration tolerance and adaptability so the rules are different, expectations are lowered and fewer demands are placed on the child.  We can explain that we treat kids differently, but fairly. Fairly does not mean equally, it means that every kid's needs and concerns are being addressed and met. A kid will understand that his brother will need extra help with maths or English. In the same way we can explain that he needs help  with the skills needed for ' behavior' , frustration tolerance , anxiety etc. The focus however must be on hearing and listening to the concerns of the ' easy child' , addressing these concerns, making sure he has good friends and trying to compensate him in other ways to show you understand that it is not easy for him. The social life of a family can be very much compromised by a challenging kid and cause a lot of frustration for the other siblings.

When a kid feels frustrated about ' perceived ' favoritism it is often more about the kid than the way the parent is treating her kids. We need to start by asking – why does he feel that way, are there are needs or concerns that are not being addressed.?  It is hard for a parent to explain this, but some kids are more assertive in getting their needs met, has a better relationship with the parents, and sometimes for eg a married kid with or without kids may need more use of the family car, than a single kid.  Single kids feel that a  married kid has in a sense  left the family. Lack of fulfillment or frustrations in other areas may cause a kid to feel sorry for themselves , so they seem to be focused more on how much they are ' receiving ' and less on how much they are ' giving'.'

Kids that become jealous of siblings and blame parents can find them in a place that works against them. Even if the claims are true, blaming parents or being jealous of other siblings will just get in the way of effectively dealing with the situation... Accepting the reality liberates one from negative feelings and allows one to take responsibility for one's life and access the help needed. In any case our perceptions of reality are often flawed and reality changes. If Joseph's brothers would have accepted the reality, they would have been free of anger and jealousy and been in a position not to fight reality but to create a new reality.

Vayishlach 75 - Proverbs- Mishlei and the Pygmalion Effect

There is a lot of thought and psychology   behind Ya'akov's – Jacob's display of vulnerability, respect and servitude when he bowed 7 times before Eisav-Esau and called him my master. He bowed 7 times until he reached his brother and he certainly reached him. Eisav's compassion and mercy was aroused and he embraced and kissed Ya'akov and then he together with his brother cried. R' Hirsch explains that tears flow from the innermost feelings, so one can only cry if he is genuinely moved... The verse from Mishlei- Proverbs 27:19 say      כַּמַּיִם, הַפָּנִים לַפָּנִים--    כֵּן לֵב-הָאָדָם, לָאָדָם. as in water, face to face, so too, is the heart of one person to another.  When one has positive thoughts and feelings about another person, these feelings will be reflected back to you as the other person will tend to feel positively about you too. A negative response from a person is a generally a reflection of how you feel about them. The feelings have to be genuine, coming from the heart and lightening up the face. These positive thoughts and feelings will lead us to act accordingly, with more empathy, compassion and kindness..

The idea in Proverbs precedes the so-called Pygmalion effect, documented in the 1960's, which showed how positive teachers'   assumptions, expectations and beliefs about student's intellectual potential affected student's performances in a positive way. Parents and teachers who believe that children have also a brighter side to their human nature and can behave in a virtuous and altruistic way can likewise impact on children and set into motion a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How we view children, our beliefs and subsequent expectations about them will guide and dictate our interventions and interactions with them. Parents and teachers who have a dark view of human nature and only see the negative side as in the verse -' since the imagery of man's heart is evil from his youth' –   כי יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו  
 will resort to very controlling environments with rewards, consequences and punishments. The message to kids is that you can't be trusted to learn or behave unless you are given rewards or threatened with punishments. And then we see how kids become so addicted to and dependent on rewards and punishments.  When we write off kids as disruptive, defiant, manipulative or destructive they are likely to 'live down' to these expectations.

 The key to a parent-child or teacher-child relationship is the child learning to trust the parent and teacher, so that kids want 'relationship', sees  them as  guides and someone to come to , especially when they ' screw up' and make mistakes. Rav Pam relates that as a 'Rebbi and teacher' - a kid came late for class and offered some excuse adding that he could bring a note from his parents. Rav Pam responded that he had already explained why he came late, why  would he need a note from his parents.'' In truth, I wasn’t sure if he told me the truth, but I couldn’t let him feel that I don’t trust him.”  Most teachers would be much more focused on their fear that the student will feel he put one over on the teacher.  They probably wouldn’t even consider the harm that distrusting their student would cause. 

We can help students develop good values and middot by attributing to the students the best possible motive consistent with the facts. So when they are generous and pro-social we do not say they were motivated by self-interest. When  they don't meet our expectations it could be that that they are good kids but were unaware of how their actions impact on others and are lacking skills rather than being selfish, defiant aggressive and lacking in compassion. And we would then  in a collaborative way, ' work with' kids to   teach important life lessons and solve problems by finding mutually satisfying solutions .In this way the kid contributes to the solution, learns important life skills and a trusting relationship with the parent or teacher is enhanced. 'Treat kids 'as if they need to be controlled' we may well undermine their natural predispositions to develop self-controls and internalize commitments to upholding cultural norms and values' – Marilyn Watson. 'Doing to ' kids with rewards and punishments just teaches them to ask – what's in it for me and feel sorry for themselves. It does not help kids to reflect on what type of person they want to be and how their actions impact on others.

Higher expectations of kids are positive, but we need to ask ' higher expectations for what'? If our expectations for academics are higher test scores, we will teach to test .If we expect more engagement, curiosity, and self-directed learning we will teach accordingly. If our high expectations for kids behaving themselves and being responsible is being compliant and following instructions we will be controlling. But if we understand that kids learn to be responsible by making decisions and acting in a pro-social way, we will allow them to participate in making decisions and solve problems in a collaborative way.

We all have a brighter and a darker side to our human natures, capable of being generous and selfish, helpful or hurting. But the good news is that if we follow the advice in the words of Proverbs- Mishlei and take into account the Pygmalion effect we can help ourselves and those we interact with to become more positive and caring people.

Vayeitzei 75 - Collaborative Problem Solving CPS and Non-Violent Communication NVC

At an opportune moment while Lavan and his sons were out shearing their flocks, Ya'akov=Jacob   being very much aware of Lavan and his family's resentment to his success, escapes Lavan's attention and leaves without saying goodbye.  After 3 days Lavan hears about Ya'akov unannounced departure and pursues him. When they meet Lavan acts like the aggrieved father and accuses Ya'akov of deception, trickery and embarrassing him by fleeing with his daughters like ' prisoners of the sword' and also taking his gods. Ya'akov answers that he was afraid that Lavan would steal his daughters. After cursing anybody who stole the gods, Ya'akov invited Lavan to do a search.  When Lavan turns up nothing, Ya'akov feeling angry about the search confronts Lavan. The sages of the Medrash praise Jacob's words, preferring the' kapda'nut = taking to task and rebuke' of Jacob to the words of humility of David. Instead of attacking Lavan and using aggressive language Jacob   tries to appease Lavan and just defend and justify himself.  He asks – 'what is my transgression, what is my sin that you pursue me'. Lavan in fact wanted to kill Ya'akov, but he uses understatement and non-violent communication. He says - what is my sin that you ' pursue me and does not say    'kill me'. David in his humility asks Jonathan- what I have done, what is my sin before your father that he seeks my life. David talks about 'bloodshed' in his attempt at appeasing and being conciliatory.

Although Ya'akov is praised for not openly attacking Lavan and  using  instead  NVC  - Non –violent  communication, the Alter from Slabodka, Rabbi Finkel  brings to our attention that the Torah introduces Ya'akov's with the language of argument and confrontation and the sages call it 'kapda'nut ' = taking to task and confrontation . Aggressive and confrontational language may be hidden or concealed but it is implied. When a person is accused of doing something wrong and then in an apologetic way defends himself, he implies that he is the ' righteous ' man and the other person is lacking. A better response would be as the Talmud – Shabbat 88b says that a person should be  one who is disgraced and insulted and yet remains silent and does not respond with insults. But it is not enough to remain silent. Even if one is an innocent party with no interest in a having an argument or conflict one has to make every effort to try and make peace with the other party.  We learn this from Moses who asked Da'tan and Aviram - leaders of a group who joined Korach's rebellion against Moses - to come and speak to him to try and reconcile differences and make peace. They refused to come and said that Moses and Aaron were unfit for the leadership role, in fact a disaster bringing the Israelites from a land of milk and honey to die in the desert.  Moses disregarded his own honor and dignity and went over to the rebels to try and end the quarrel and make peace. If Moses wouldn't have gone over to the rebels , he would have violated a negative commandment of being like Korach and his assembly. The Talmud Sanhedrin 110a learns from Moses that one who does not make an effort to make peace is called somebody who supports and contributes to a quarrel and violates the negative commandment of being like Korach and his assembly.

If Ya'akov was on a higher level, of a greater stature he could have directly dealt with Lavan's concerns and returned to the land of Canaan with his consent. Ya'akov's stature is being judged, not his actions. But still after they met, Ya'akov could have acknowledged Lavan's sentiments and explained in a more neutral and non-judgmental way that in his humble opinion the way he left was the best for all parties concerned under the circumstances. He could address Lavan's concerns for contact with his daughters and grandchildren by saying that he has an open invitation to come and visit them whenever he wants to visit. However, we can see the positive in Ya'akov's ' kapda'nut ' – confrontational stance, as it did get Lavan to think of the safety of his descendants   and ask for a peace treaty to be  made between them. Most of our interactions don't require confrontation, but the pursuit of peace.

Instead of quarrels, argument, criticism and conflict parents and teachers can focus on being less judgmental about their own and others' actions as being for eg. Manipulative, wrong, bad, inappropriate or even good and focus instead on the concerns, feelings, and needs. Being attentive to the needs of others and understanding their concerns will help to solve problems in a mutually satisfying way and promote trusting relationships. Non- violent communication NVC or compassionate communication helps us avoid ' doing to' or even hurtful words and create a ' working with ' relationship. When we first try to understand the concerns of others , the concerns of our kids and students before presenting our expectations and concerns , kids will feel understood , that we care about them and meeting their needs and will more likely be  open to taking our perspective, hearing our concerns and being empathic. Kids then start to think how their actions impact on others and how they can make a contribution and not just what's in it for me. Peace is not just the absence of conflict, but people being interdependent caring human beings.

Toldot 75 - Education and Self- Image

Our Parasha – Portion deals with the lives of Rivkah- Rebecca and Isaac's – Yitzchak's twin boys, Esau = Eisav and Jacob- Ya'akov. And the question that all ask is how come Eisav , despite being raised by the greatest and righteous people of that generation turned out to be a wicked human being while Ya'akov realized his potential for greatness. The verse Bereishit 25:27 says that when the boys grew up ….. Each boy followed a different path. Eisav became a hunter, a man of the field trapping, tricking and ensnaring not only animals but men too. Ya'akov became the scholar who devoted his life to learning and teaching God's ways. Rabbi Shimshon Rafael Hirsch suggests that the striking contrasts in the grandchildren of Abraham may have been due, not so much to the differences in their temperaments and personalities, but rather as to the mistakes in the way they were brought up. The medrash says that until the age of 13, the differences between Yaakov and Eisav were not apparent. So as long as they were little, no attention was paid to the slumbering differences in their natures and both received exactly the same teaching and educational treatment. The famous words of Proverbs – Educate your child according to his way , reminds us that we cannot change tendencies, traits , temperaments and personalities but we can educate the child so he can develop his special characteristics to serve God and maximize his personal potential for the one pure and Jewish life. A nation and society needs so many people who have different roles and professions. Each person has a different path, but all have the same goal to serve God and to be of service to society in their unique roles.

Eisav became a hunter and warrior. He was supposed to use theses talents to fight the wicked and protect the weak, and be the diplomat, politician and statesman for the sake of God.  Eisav's educational and emotional needs were not met in an environment of intense learning .The development of his unique personal identity was hindered and so his talents would be dedicated for purely personal gain and negative goals. He struggled to find intrinsic reward and satisfaction from his learning. The only way he could feel   satisfaction, self- worth and esteem was by impressing others. So instead of nurturing his true identity Eisav focused on  ' superficiality ' and nurturing his image.  The sages describe him as man who epitomized falsehood , a ' clay vessel plated with gold, gems or pearls' who  instead of using his talents for the sake of God , succeeded in manipulating people and leaders and seducing women who then  left their husbands for him.   When hungry, Eisav   asked Ya'akov to give him some of the' red stuff '. Eisav related to the food by its color, on its most superficial level. He does not even call it ' soup'.  Eisav is concerned with his image and so he decides to improve it by emulating his father by marrying for the first time at the age of 40. Eisav is like the pig when it lies down, stretches out its cloven hoof as to say – See I am a kosher animal. He married a Canaanite woman who worshiped idols but changed her name to Yehudit –a woman who  denies  idols - in order to deceive his father. Yitzchak continued to strongly disapprove of  Canaanite  women so in order to improve his image he married  Machalat, Abraham's granddaughter from Yishmael, without divorcing his evil wives.  Eisav felt he was perfect, fully made as in 'Eisav' his name. He never needed to reflect on his actions and beliefs, but just do something technical and external to improve his image.

Parents and educators are very much responsible for kids focusing on their images and not nurturing their authentic identities in that there is a ' one size fits all' approach to education - all kids need  the same  education that will  enable them to go to university or be in long term  religious learning in a Kollel. Finland has a successful educational system because they focus on ' individualized education' and have a high-powered vocational training pathway for which caters for at least 40% of kids. Kids don't have to be in full time learning for all their to be long life learners and connected to holiness. 

Today, we have another problem, with parents and teachers pushing kids to succeed with so much emphasis on academic achievement. Parents care less about children's well-being and happiness than their achievement and success. They are the reason for their kids' success and it makes them feel successful. Kids' feelings of acceptance , self- esteem and image is more dependent on external events – on how well they do and behave compared to other kids. We see this at school, on the sports field and how they rank socially. Instead we should be helping kids to focus on what they are doing , connect to  and enjoy their learning, exercise or other social interactions. They should experience success of failure, not as reward or punishment, but as information so they cope with failure in an objective problem solving way and not focus on the self in an emotional-coping way. In this way kids focus on nurturing their authentic identities and talents, become intrinsically motivated and self-determined  and are not concerned with their improving their images. -