Joseph
has become the ' viceroy' of Egypt, second in command to Pharaoh. He is blessed
with 2 sons. He names his eldest son Menasheh acknowledging that God has helped
him to forget all the hardships which his brothers inflicted on him and his
entire father's home. This seems to explain
the 22 years that Joseph did not contact his father and put him out of his
misery and focus instead on creating a new family and history. Joseph was being thankful that God removed any
ill feeling that he had for his brothers and that he understood that everything
that
happened was part of a Divine master plan. Joseph saw his purpose was to
reunify the family and to realize his dreams. Only after the brothers had done
Teshuvah= repentance and regretted their ' selling' of their brother could the
family be reunited. He couldn't reveal his destiny to his father because he was
part of an agreement made by the brothers that 'banned' anyone revealing to
Ya'akov- Jacob what had happened and Joseph's whereabouts without their
consent. Even God was party to this oath and so Isaac who through prophecy knew
of Joseph's plight was unable to comfort a mourning Jacob.
Contacting his
father and performing the mitzvah of honoring his father presented another problem.
It could be only done at the expense of his brothers. They would have been
disgraced when the reality –' a beast has devoured my son Joseph and torn him
to bits' was found to be a cover up for the sale of Joseph. This would have
also compromised family unity. There are limitations and boundaries to the
mitzvah of honoring parents. The Talmud –Ketuvot 103 relates how 'Rebbi' on his
death bed gave instructions to his sons as to what positions of leadership some
of his sons and students were to be assigned.
R' Haninah was to be given the position of Rosh Ha'yeshivah. He refused to accept the position as this
would be at the expense of R' Afes who was older than him. Rebbi's sons and
students did not insist on honoring Rebbi's instruction as it would be at the
expense of someone else.
I find
it interesting that both Isaac and Jacob did not rebuke their sons for not
honoring them and not fulfilling the mitzvah of ' Kibud AV'. It could be that
parents perceive their parental authority and honor is not dependent and
derived from the Torah itself. Teachers teach
kids that the Torah gives a parent authority because of their positions as
parents and there is a very important mitzvah to honor their wishes and respect
them. Parents however cannot demand
obedience because of the Torah. It not only undermines their authority, but it
comes at a cost to children. Parents who invoke the Torah in the hope that kids
will respect them come across as weak and have no stature, personality or
leadership to deal with their kids. Parents should embrace the ' authoritative
pose or stance ' of leadership rather than ' authoritarian '. Their source of
authority is not because of the 'power' their position or status gives, but
their sense of humility about the great responsibility of parenting and
addressing the needs of kids in a way that respects their dignity. Their credibility
is independent of their status but rather depends on who they are as teachers,
guides and care givers. I remember a father asking a Rabbi if his child has to
stand up when he comes into the room. The Rabbi said yes, but you also have to
be a father. And that's why the child stands up and addresses the parent – My
father, my teacher. Demanding respect and having demands that are
developmentally not appropriate or you know your child is not the easy going
compliant type of kid, will just create conflict and disrespect. You will also have
some responsibility for the child's behavior - transgressing the mitzvah of' '
Kibud Av ve Aim ' as your parental demands are for sure to be ' a stumbling
block before the eyes of a blind person'. Focusing on 'compliance' means that
parents have to resort to the use of power either using punishments,
consequences or trying to control through seduction with rewards. Not only do
kids resist being controlled but these methods do not contribute to a commitment
and kids internalizing the values behind the things we ask them to do. Better
to use ' I messages ' - the playroom is in a mess , It would be great to have a nice, clean and tidy room
instead of you made a mess of the playroom , go and tidy it up! I messages
focus on how the parent feels, they don't judge the kids and provoke resistance
but allow the kid to take responsibility for her behavior. We can use ' dialog
questions ' and even better use
collaborative problem solving as a tool not only to solve problems but to
collaborate with kids in all areas of life. Parents start to feel listened to when
they use collaborative problem solving. When kids feel understood and they
concerns heard, they are more likely to hear the concerns of parents and take
their perspectives. They learn to trust their parents as guides and seek them
out for guidance, support and feedback as they navigate their worlds. And in this way parents earn respect
and honor in the most authentic way.
When parents don't focus on their honor and are prepared to 'forgo ' or
relinquish it =' mochel bich'vodo' , they make room for their roles as guides and
teachers and this actually enhances the respect and honor kids will have for
them.
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