This blog post is in 2 parts .
1. Why do women initiate divorce more than
men?
2.CPS- collaborative problem solving
between spouses.
In the USA and UK 66% of divorces are
initiated by women, (in 1975 it was 72%).In Israel 70% of divorces were filed by women, 3 times
as much as men.
Marriage therapist and author Laura Doyle says
that one of the reasons for these figures is that 'women are initiating divorces
when the problems are not insurmountable.
One might think that's because
men do things to make marriage untenable -- like cheat, hit or abuse them -- but I
hear about women divorcing because he didn't help with the baby, he was
emotionally unavailable, or because they grew apart. Countless women tell me
they divorced because their husbands weren't capable of meeting their needs.
When the women I work with learn intimacy skills, it changes the way they see a
previous marriage. Some women tell me that they realize they were married to a
good guy, but divorced because they lacked the skills to have a happy
relationship. Sometimes it causes them enormous grief.'
An Israeli Dayan , judge in a
rabbinical Court = Beis Din said that in his personal experience it was the women
who were initiating divorces and some often in a hasty and impulsive way and sometimes for the most trivial reasons
like my husband leaves the home without saying good bye.
Laura
Doyle's and the Dayan's observations about women being the ones who are
initiating divorces hint that this could be part of the explanation why the
Torah gave men more say about divorce than women.
The Dayan also said that ' Cohanim ' , men of priestly descent tended
to get angry quickly and then sue for divorce. This explains why Cohanim are
restricted to whom they can marry. They can't remarry their wives or divorcees.
This is intended to slow them down and think of other solutions than divorce.
Divorce is only one of the solutions for solving marriage problems.
Men are happier in their
marriages and maybe it is because they have fewer expectations than women. Men
also get a lot of their intellectual and social needs met outside the home -at
work and when they participate in communal prayer and study. It is reported
that they are happier with their intimate lives than women. Divorce for men
means a new financial burden, taking on responsibilities and tasks previously
done by women and not being with his children. They often are willing to sleep
in another room or have a trial separation in the hope that his wife will
reconsider.
Teresa Atkin, a relationship coach says that women need to learn
communication skills needed in a marriage.
'All too often, women think that talking to our
husbands is the way to make them see how their behavior affects us. If the
behavior doesn't change when we first bring it up, we want to talk more,
longer, or louder because we think maybe they didn't get it the first time. One
of the biggest pet peeves for men is that feeling of being nagged or badgered,
especially if they don't know what the problem really is. Also, the rules of
polite, kind, nice conversation that women try to follow often come off as
indirect, manipulative and mysterious to men. Women often conclude that their
husbands don't care because they haven't changed after a particular
conversation. '
Women also tend to give instructions
to men as they would to their maids or other help. This really has the opposite
effect. Instead of giving instructions women should explain what they need and
want, thus giving men the space to respond in an autonomous way.
Why do Laura Doyle and Tersa
Atkin focus on women alone and why doesn't Laura Doyle advocate joint therapy sessions?
Because women are initiating
divorce and want change, they are the ones who
should and can bring about the change. Instead of waiting for husbands
to change and be responsible for their wives' happiness, women should learn
intimacy and communication skills and become responsible for their own
happiness. This will bring about a change in men. Women have the power to make
changes in their homes as the verse in
Proverbs 14:1 says –' The wisdom of women builds her home.'
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