It is generally accepted that a negative self esteem and
self concept gets in the way of a person dealing with setbacks and failure, but
the research shows that also high self esteem does not buy very much and can be
very problematic. Despite the Self Esteem research the belief in
' self esteem ' is so engrained. Teachers and parents are told to praise and
compliment kids and help their ' self –esteem ' by reflecting on
all their positive attributes. So why is ' self esteem ' problematic and what
can be done instead to foster success?
The problem with fostering self esteem with praise is not
because kids are over –praised or don't deserve praise – it is praise itself.
Praise is a way of getting kids to experience success as a reward and esteeming
of the self. Instead kids should experience success and failure as information
they need to make changes or
become even more
successful. The problem with self esteem is the focus on the ' self'.
The SDT Self
Determination theory talks about 2
types of self esteem. Contingent self esteem is experienced by people who are
preoccupied with questions of worth and self esteem and are strongly motivated
by the desire to appear worthy to self and others. Their worth is seen as
dependent on ' achievement ' and appearing in certain ways. Whether such
individuals come away with positive or negative conclusions, the very fact that
one's self esteem is in question, suggests a psychological vulnerability. Non-
contingent self esteem characterizes people for whom self-esteem is not a
concern or issue. Success and failure is experienced as information and does
not implicate self –worth, even when they lead to a reevaluation of their
actions and efforts. These people experience themselves on a fundamental level
as worthy of esteem and love.
The psychologist Eric Fromm talks about 2 types of people
- the ' To have ' people whose self worth and esteem depends
on their 'having' .It leads to people being overly attached to possessions,
achievements , and relationships. ' To be ' people focus on how they
experience the world rather than on having.
'To have ' people view the ' self ' as an 'object'
which needs to be appraised , judged and evaluated, and the more positive , the
better. In contrast SDT and religion see the Self as a process where a person
makes meaning of experiences and integrates and assimilates them into his
personality.
The research shared by Kelly
Mcgonigal
describes what helps people to deal with setbacks and
change and what gets in the way.
The first experiment she shares deals with people who are
dieting and are invited to participate in an experiment testing the effects of
food on mood. Each person chooses their favorite donut, eats the whole donut
and is given a big glass of water which leaves them with a full and
uncomfortable feeling. This triggered feeling of guilt amongst the dieters. The
question was would the feelings of guilt help dieters resist subsequent
temptations? In order to test
this, the dieters were given a ' taste experiment ' - to choose their
favorite candy and eat as much as they needed to in order to evaluate the taste
of the candy. One of the test groups was exposed to the following message. In a
very by the way fashion , they were given a 3 point message - they were
made aware of their guilt feelings of previously indulging in the donuts , they
were told that it is human to error , it does not say that there is something wrong with you ,
everybody indulgences here and there and thirdly – so don't be hard on
yourself. The group that was exposed to the message calling for
self-compassion ate 40% of what the group who were not exposed to
the self- compassion message ate. People who are hard on themselves and have
guilt feelings end up despairing, saying I can never change and what the heck
and then indulgence even more.
In another study shared by Heidi
Grant Halvorson participants who failed an initial test
were given a chance to improve their scores. One group were encouraged to boost
their self –esteem by affirming and validating positive qualities. Another
group was encouraged to exercise self –compassion and not to be hard on themselves. Those who took a
self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25% longer and scored
higher on a second test, than the participants who focused on bolstering their
self-esteem.
Self compassion is effective because it is non-evaluative.
It allows people to look at their mistakes and flaws with kindness and
understanding. People then focus on the self as a process and not as an object.
You don't judge yourself harshly nor feel the need to defensively
focus on all your positive qualities in order to protect your self-esteem.
Setbacks and mistakes are part of being human and essential to the learning
process. When the focus is on the process, rather than achievement, the journey
rather than the destination you are more likely to be more accurate in
assessing your abilities and coming up with a better plan which will help you
reach your destination.
People who view the self as an object react by saying ' How
could "I" ( capital I ) do that ? have feelings of
guilt and shame which get in the way, while people who said ' How could I
do THAT, did not focus on the self but on their actions and were
successful in changing.
The problem with sin is not the sin itself but what happens afterwards – not getting up
and repenting. The evil inclination encourages guilt feelings as a person feels
that this is the beginning of the repentance process. But these feelings end up
causing despair and hopelessness which gets in the way of recovery. The verse
proverbs 24:15 says that 7 times a saint falls and then he gets up.
The failure is not in the falling , but not getting up.
Self compassion leads to higher levels of personal
well-being, optimism and happiness less anxiety and depression.
Mindfulness and promoting the needs of autonomy, competence
and relatedness help people and kids focus on the self as process.
Mindfulness is an open non-judgmental awareness of
what is happening in the present. Self esteeming and the focus on ME are
just mental constructions of the mind. In mindfulness and SDT there
is no fixed concept of the self to protect or enhance, all facts are friendly
and inform one's experiences and behaviors.
According to SDT, people with low self esteem are lacking
in supports for and satisfactions of one or more of the basic needs of autonomy
(= self direction not independence), competence and relatedness. They don't
feel worthy as they are missing a sense of love, authenticity, or
effectiveness. People with high contingent self esteem seek behaviors that
support and reassure them that they are worthy in their eyes and others.
The paradox of self esteem of self –esteem ' If you need it
, you don't have it and if you have it , you don't need it .
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