In our Parasha Chayei Sarah , Abraham buys a field and the cave
below to bury his wife. Rashi quoting the Medrash on verse 23:20 -
the field stood up- literal
translation - when it became the part of Abraham's estate as a burial site says
that the field acquired a new status as it previously belonged to an ordinary
man and now it belonged to a king. Rabbi David Lapin says' that great people
give status to their possessions while
ordinary people derive their status from their possessions.' It is not only status
which is affected by possessions but often peoples' self worth and self esteem.
In
the last of his 10 trials – the A'kei'dat Yitzchak – the binding of Isaac on
the altar, Abraham had not only to sacrifice his emotions for his son but also
his cherished values in order to display his complete obedience and attachment
to the divine will. There was a complete negation of the ' self' in order to
attach to something higher and bigger than the 'himself'. This seems to
contradict the popular notion that we should nurture our ' self esteem and
'self concept'
It is generally accepted that a negative
self esteem and self concept gets in the way of a person dealing with setbacks
and failure, but the research shows that also high self esteem does not buy very much and
can be very problematic. Despite the research the belief in ' self esteem ' is
so engrained. Teachers and parents are told to praise and compliment kids and
help their ' self –esteem ' by
reflecting on all their positive attributes. So why is ' self esteem '
problematic and what can be done instead to foster success?
The problem with fostering self esteem
with praise is not because kids are over –praised or don't deserve praise – it
is praise itself. Praise is a way of getting kids to experience success as a
reward and esteeming of the self. Instead kids should experience success and
failure as information they need to make changes or become even more successful. The problem with self esteem
is the focus on the ' self'.
The SDT – Self Determination theory talks
about 2 types of self esteem. Contingent self esteem is experienced by people
who are preoccupied with questions of worth and self esteem and are strongly
motivated by the desire to appear worthy to self and others. Their worth is
seen as dependent on ' achievement ' and appearing in certain ways. Whether
such individuals come away with positive or negative conclusions, the very fact
that one's self esteem is in question suggests a psychological vulnerability. Non-
contingent self esteem characterizes people for whom self-esteem is not a
concern or issue. Success and failure is experienced as information and does
not implicate self –worth ,even when they lead to a reevaluation of their
actions and efforts. These people experience themselves on a fundamental level
as worthy of esteem and love.
The psychologist Eric Fromm talks about 2
types of people - the ' To have ' people whose self worth and esteem depends on
their 'having' .It leads to people being overly attached to possessions,
achievements , and relationships. ' To be '
people focus on how they experience the world rather than on having.
'To have ' people view the ' self ' as an 'object' which
needs to be appraised , judged and evaluated, the more positive , the better.
In contrast SDT and religion see the Self as a process where a person makes
meaning of experiences and integrates and assimilates them into his
personality.
The research shared by Kelly Mcgonigal
describes what helps people to deal with
setbacks and change and what gets in the way.
The first experiment she shares deals
with people who are dieting and are invited to participate in an experiment
testing the effects of food on mood. Each person chooses their favorite donut,
eats the whole donut and is given a big glass of water which leaves a full and
uncomfortable feeling. This triggered feeling of guilt amongst the dieters. The
question was would the feelings of guilt help dieters resist subsequent
temptations.? In order to test this ,
the dieters were given a ' taste experiment '
- to eat as much as they needed to, from a
wide choice of candy (so everyone
had something they liked) in order to evaluate the taste of the candy. One of
the test groups was exposed to the following message. In a very by the way
fashion , they were given a 3 point message -
they were made aware of their guilt feelings of indulging in the donuts
, they were told that it is human to error , it does not so that there is
something wrong with you , everybody indulgences here and there and thirdly –
so don't be hard on yourself. The group that was exposed to the message calling for self-compassion ate 40%
of what the group not to exposed to the self- compassion message ate. People who
are hard on themselves and have guilt feelings end up despairing, saying can
never change and what the heck and then indulgence even more .
In another study shared by Heidi Grant Halvorson participants who failed an
initial test were given a chance to improve their scores. One group were
encouraged to boost their self –esteem by affirming and validating positive
qualities. Another group was encouraged to exercise self –compassion and not to
be hard on themselves. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their
earlier failure studied 25% longer and scored higher on a second test, than the
participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.
Self compassion is effective because it is
non-evaluative. It allows people to look at their mistakes and flaws with
kindness and understanding. People then focus on the self as a process and not
as an object. You don't judge yourself harshly nor feel the need to
defensively focus on all your positive qualities in order to protect your
self-esteem. Setbacks and mistakes are part of being human and essential to the
learning process. When the focus is on the process, rather than achievement,
the journey rather than the destination you are more likely to be more accurate
in assessing your abilities and coming up with a better plan which will help
you reach your destination.
People who view the self as an object
react by saying ' How could "I"
( capital I ) do that ? have feelings of guilt and shame which get in
the way, while people who said ' How
could I do THAT, did not focus on the self but on their actions and were successful in changing.
The problem with sin, falling or failing
is not in the sin, falling or failure but what happens afterwards – not getting
up. Guilt feelings get in the way of recovery and getting up. The verse proverbs
24:15 says that 7 times a saint falls and
then he gets up.
Self compassion leads to higher levels of
personal well-being, optimism and happiness less anxiety and depression.
Mindfulness and promoting the needs of
autonomy, competence and relatedness help people and kids focus on the self as
process.
Mindfulness is an open non-judgmental
awareness of what is happening in the present. Self esteeming and the focus on
ME are just mental constructions of the
mind. In mindfulness and SDT there is no fixed concept of the self to protect
or enhance, all facts are friendly and inform one's experiences and behaviors.
According to SDT , people with low self
esteem are lacking in supports for and satisfactions of one or more of the
basic needs of autonomy, competence and relatedness. They don't feel worthy as
they are missing a sense of love, authenticity, or effectiveness. People with
high contingent self esteem seek behaviors that support and reassure them that
they are worthy in their eyes and others.
The paradox of self esteem of self
–esteem ' If you need it , you don't have it and if you have it , you don't
need it .
See my blog post on Motivation and Bob the builder
on the effectiveness of different types
of self talk. A statement - I can or
will do it as opposed to asking a question will or can I do it ?
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