Va'etchanan 76 - Education - For what ?

The parasha talks about education in the section of the She'ma  - שמע ישראל   and the exodus –יציאת מצרים. The purpose of education may be to help a child serve God and be of service of man, and developing and refining his character. It also focuses on acquiring a profession or a trade.  Today, the notion is that the schools' first priority should be intellectual development. Prof. Nel Noddings argues that the main aim of education should be to produce competent, caring, loving and lovable people. Seymour Sarason speaks about inculcating in the child a desire to learn, to become a life-long learner. John Dewey, the father of constructivist education talks about education not being a preparation for life, but life itself. His colleague William Killpatrick talks about both goals – education prepares best for life when at the same time it constitutes the present worthy life itself. Judith Shapiro said - You want the inside of your head to be an interesting place to spend the rest of your life. There are those who focus on what everyone their age is supposed to know – E.D Hirsch , as opposed to others who believe that the  purpose of education is not primarily to help children know more , rather , it is to help them become better to be able to think , be reflective ,  care , imagine, understand and adapt – to become autonomous learners. While most parents will agree that education should focus on the whole child and making him a better person, they and government officials are more concerned about the economic benefits – being more competitive in the job market or providing skilled workers to enhance corporate profits and global competitiveness. The result is that learning for its own sake and the material learned has little value and what counts is the graduation certificate or degree. Governments also see education as a means of fighting poverty and encourage everyone to go to college.  The result has been that getting a college degree can lift one out of poverty and make one financially successful is now considered a myth- there has been widening gap between rich and poor despite there being more college graduates ,  one out of six college graduates earns less than the average wage of high school graduates. A college degree, especially a general or an Arts degree helps if you are born to a rich family, have privilege and connections. A white school leaver will be more successful than a black college graduate in the USA. Discrimination, the 'poverty trap' and other structural features of the USA society are obstacles to the upward mobility of poorer people with education. The focus should be more on providing jobs with decent salaries. There is also a call for more ' vocational training.' Vocational training however should also focus on personal fulfillment, empowerment and promoting all the thinking skills that come with a good academic education. Otherwise, John Dewey says -there is a danger that vocational education will be interpreted in theory and practice as trade education: as a means of securing technical efficiency in specialized future pursuits. Education would then become an instrument of perpetuating unchanged the existing industrial order of society, instead of operating as a means of its transformation. The desired transformation is not difficult to define in a formal way. It signifies a society in which every person shall be occupied in something which makes the lives of others better worth living, and which accordingly makes the ties which bind persons together more perceptible—which breaks down the barriers of distance between them. (Dewey, 1916/2001, p. 325)

The parasha on the She'ma says that we should teach our children diligently– ושננתם לבנך  - Rashi explains that a person should repeat and review his learning so that if he is asked a question about Torah, he will not be embarrassed and will respond immediately. This implies that one should have knowledge of Torah and learn to know the Torah. וְהָיוּ הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה, אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי מְצַוְּךָ הַיּוֹם--עַל-לְבָבֶךָ.  And these words that I command you this day should be on your heart – this day – we should look at the words of Torah, not as an old text which we have heard and reviewed many times, but something new, that generates curiosity and interest so we will be able to discover new insights and depths of understanding and make meaning of our learning. The learning should not be academic but touch our hearts and becomes part of us, internalized and integrated. We should speak in Torah with our children and pupils – ודברת בם  . The way we learn is collaboratively, discussing ideas with others and being challenged by their thinking.  In a later chapter the Torah then tells us how to respond to a question of one's children about God's commandments כִּי-יִשְׁאָלְךָ בִנְךָ מָחָר, לֵאמֹר:  מָה הָעֵדֹת, וְהַחֻקִּים וְהַמִּשְׁפָּטִים – that the purpose of the Exodus was to become God's people in the land of Israel. This alludes to  the importance of stimulating children's interest, curiosity and questions that  will drive learning. In our prayers we ask – והערב נא ה' ..את דברי תורתך בפינו...ונהיה לומדי תורתך לשמה That God sweeten the words of his Torah in our mouths and … we should be intrinsically motivated and  study Torah for its own sake. We ask for understanding that will enable us to ' learn, teach and to do' all the teachings of the Torah – להבין ולהשכיל ללמוד וללמד ..ולעשות

We seem to have 2 goals – knowledge of the Torah and being involved in the learning process, deepening our understanding and connection with God. The question is how we reconcile the 2 goals. This reminds of the 2 approaches to education – the Old School transmission model where kids are seen as empty pales in which knowledge has to be poured in. Hirsh E.D speaks of a Core Curriculum for each grade dictating what kids should at the end of each year. While he acknowledges that thinking is the goal of education one needs a body of facts to think about. The constructivist approach acknowledges that knowledge is important, but when the focus is on quantity, the learning is shallow and the goal is to memorize what has been taught. Not only don't we get to thinking, but after the ' test' everything is forgotten. Facts should be taught not in a vacuum , but  given a ' context' by questions, problems and projects .Instead of a Core Curriculum built on different and fragmented subjects and focused on acquiring knowledge , constructivist education focuses on helping students understand ideas from the inside out, to learn how to think creatively and critically, and they involve students in designing a curriculum that’s organized around problems, projects and questions, trying to integrate skills, topics and disciplines in a meaningful context and in a multi-disciplinary way  rather than one based on feeding them lists of facts. What drives the acquisition of knowledge are interest, curiosity and making meaning of the world. It encourages children to be active learners, have the desire to keep learning, reflecting on and internalizing their learning. They do not absorb knowledge but ' construct knowledge'. Montaigne wrote that without a the appetite and affection for learning, children will become little more than ' asses loaded with books' -  חמור נושא כלים . The kind of knowledge that children most need is the knowledge that will help them get more knowledge. Children are taken seriously. We start trying to find out what they know, what they notice and encourage their questions. The teacher throws in her questions and complicates matters, challenging their thinking. It is conflict, whether stimulated by the teacher or peers that challenges thinking, that gets kids to reflect on their thinking and grow. Learning takes place through speaking and discussing. Deborah Meier says that teaching is essentially listening and learning is essentially speaking. In a traditional classroom it is only the teacher who is doing the learning. In a classroom where the focus is on learning in pairs or groups, real learning and deep thinking takes place. When we have children's interest and they find learning relevant, the stage is set for  teaching  the thinking skills. Deborah Meier says we should encourage the 5 habits of the Mind – asking about evidence  - how do we know what we know, whose point of view and perspective , connecting and associating learning, supposition – how might things have been otherwise, and relevance , why is the learning important , something to care about. In the classroom kids not only are given a choice but can generate choices regarding social and learning issues.

With Talmudic study, we can resolve the conflict by learning focusing on covering ground and intense deep learning by not answering all our questions Both types of learning we focus on understanding and asking questions, we just don't answer all our questions. The Yeshivah and Talmudic environment preceded the ' constructivist movement ' many centuries. The focus is on collaborative learning in pairs and groups dealing with questions, problems and case studies. It is the questions that drive the acquisition of knowledge and deriving the underlying principles of Talmudic reasoning.

In the modern world education that focuses on personal development rather than a trade and profession has value also in terms of employment. People who might not have specific training are employed because they have critical thinking and analytical skills and can be trained. Professionals and others in the work force testify how they Talmudic studies have given those thinking skills, thinking in a multidisciplinary way and ability to work in teams and collaborate. The Talmud at the end of Kidushin quotes R' Nehorrai –' I will not teach my son a profession only Torah'. Today, teaching Torah is not only important for acquiring an education, personal development and ones relationship with God and the community but also contributes to critical thinking skills needed in the work place.

Devarim 76 - Conquest or Agreement and Cooperation

Parashat Devarim precedes the fast of the 9^th of Av – Tish'ah be' Av, the day of national mourning for the destruction of the 2 Temples and exile from the land of Israel. The reason is because Moses in his final address  to the Israelites recalls the ' sins of the spies ', the root cause of the destruction of the 2 temples and exile.  The nation spoke badly about the land of Israel and expressed a lack of faith in God to conquer the land and support the life of the nation in the land.  The root of the sins that caused the destruction of the temples and the exile was this lack of faith and a proper spiritual connection to the land of Israel. As a result of the Babylonian exile the country lost its Kedushah, holiness and sanctity, which is expressed by the fact, that the land of Israel is no different to any other country. There are no agricultural mitzvoth so people are no longer obliged to separate tithes from the produce of the land or observe the Sabbatical year – Shmittah when in the 7^th year the land lies fallow. This holiness – called the first sanctity = ' keushah rishonah 'was introduced into the land, when Joshua conquered the land of Israel and the land was under Jewish jurisdiction. When the land was conquered by foreign nations it lost its holiness. The city of Jerusalem and the temple mount and temple, despite being in ruins and governed by foreigners never loses its holiness, because the divine presence, the source of its holiness never leaves the city, and thus its ' kedushah rishonah, first holiness remains intact. The Persian king Cyrus defeated the Babylonians and allowed the Jews to return to Israel under the leadership of Ezra and build a temple. Ezra re-consecrated and sanctified the land for a second time and this is known as the 2^nd sanctification or ' kedushah sheniyah'. The Rambam – Hilchot Beit Ha' Bechirah 6:16 explains that the 2^nd Sanctification is permanent and everlasting even after the destruction of the 2^nd temple and Roman exile. The reason is that Ezra's sanctification was not through the conquest of the land but came about through the formal acquisition of the land when Cyrus returned the land to the Jewish people and a legal ' Chazakah' was made on the land. Therefore, even if the land is taken away from the Jewish people by force, the land retains its holiness – kedushah, because the legal transaction of ownership through acquisition remains binding. ולמה אני אומר במקדש וירושלים קדושה ראשונה קדשה לעתיד לבוא ובקדושת שאר א"י לענין שביעית ומעשרות וכיוצא בהן לא קדשה לעתיד לבוא לפי שקדושת המקדש וירושלים מפני השכינה ושכינה אינה בטלה והרי הוא אומר והשמותי את מקדשיכם ואמרו חכמים אע"פ ששמומין בקדושתן הן עומדים אבל חיוב הארץ בשביעית ובמעשרות אינו אלא מפני שהוא כבוש רבים וכיון שנלקחה הארץ מידיהם בטל הכבוש ונפטרה מן התורה ממעשרות ומשביעית שהרי אינה מן ארץ ישראל וכיון שעלה עזרא וקדשה לא קדשה בכיבוש אלא בחזקה שהחזיקו בה ולפיכך כל מקום שהחזיקו בה עולי בבל ונתקדש בקדושת עזרא השנייה הוא מקודש היום ואף על פי שנלקח הארץ ממנו וחייב בשביעית ובמעשרות על הדרך שביארנו בהלכות תרומה: 

  

 It seems a little strange that the conquest of the land by Joshua and subsequent Jewish sovereignty over the land of Israel should have less of an impact on the inherent holiness and sanctity of the land of Israel than the ' autonomy ' that Cyrus granted the returning Jews. In the verse Deut. 1:8 Moses says to the Israelites –' Behold I have set the land before you, go in and possess the Land which God swore to your forefathers ….' The Rashi commentary notes – there is no one who will contest the matter, you will need not wage a war. Indeed, had they not sent the spies, but trusted in God's promise, they would not have needed weapons of war.  ראה נתתי לפניכם את הארץ באו ורשו את הארץ אשר נשבע ה' לאבותיכם......רש"י אין מערער על בדבר ואינכם צריכים למלחמה אלו לא היו מרגלים לא היו צריכים לכלי זיין                                                                                                  

 Thus, the conquest of the land of Israel was symptomatic of an inherent flaw and spiritual defect in the children of Israel. On the other hand, the return of the exiles from Babylon was made possible by the agreement of the nations to the rebuilding of the temple and a new Jewish settlement in Israel and tremendous sacrifice and dedication by the new settlers. This indicated a more spiritual beginning and establishment of Jewish sovereignty in Israel. This explains why the ' kedushah shniyah ', the 2^nd sanctification of the land of Israel was permanent and despite the destruction of the 2^nd temple and exile, the inherent holiness of the land remains intact. The conquest and coercion of Joshua's entry into the land was preceded by a degree of coercion used at the initial receiving of the Torah at Mount Sinai. The Sages describe God's coercion as if He was holding the mountain over their heads forcing them to accept the Torah. The Torah was ultimately accepted willingly only after the miracle of Purim that preceded Ezra's entry into the land of Israel. It is this acceptance of the Torah, rather than the acceptance that occurred at Mount Sinai that binds the Jewish people.

Education is often seen as a ' conquest', and getting kids to do something or engage in learning. The underlying ' rationale' is that if you ask a kid to do something, he will refuse and offering explanations and reasons won't help either. Education begins after the kid has done or learned something. We should then offer encouragement and help the kid reflect on what he has done and learned. What usually happens is that the focus is on motivating kids to act and this usually by being assertive and insistent or using extrinsic motivators like rewards, grades or consequences. The discussion after an action or learning is usually about ' how well'  the kid acted or learned , rather than focusing on what the kid has done or learned and helping the kid connect with the action or learning and become more intrinsically motivated. Even if the discussion is about what the kid has done or learned, the coercion or seduction, no matter how small leaves a negative impact on the child. It is often asked why not use rewards or find something insignificant to lure kids into reading or doing something and then fade them out later?  The introduction of an extrinsic motivator immediately changes the whole Gestalt – the way a child looks at herself, the way she looks at the person offering the reward and the way she looks at the task.

We can make children our allies and partners in learning and pro-social behavior, not by first coercing them and then trying to explain and help them reflect on the value of what they did, but by focusing on learning and tasks that are interesting, engaging, relevant and worthwhile. We can support their autonomy by bringing them into the decision making process about their learning and how we can transform our school into a caring community. When we don't focus on control, judgment and evaluation and move the locus of control to the students themselves, we allow them to connect to their learning, be self-determined and intrinsically motivated to contribute to the well-being and learning of a caring community of learners. This is the difference between motivating or inspiring kids. Motivating kids – your focus is overcoming resistance, conquering the enemy. Inspiring kids – is supporting their autonomy and allowing them to connect to their inner cores,  be intrinsically motivated to learn and to do and focused on long-term goals of becoming better and more interesting people.

Masei -76 Hypocrisy , Flattery and Authenticity in Education

In our parasha God warns the children of Israel about the sanctity of life. Like Noah, who was about to leave the ark, the children of Israel are about to enter the Land of Israel. Both are warned to safeguard the sanctity of life – Noah  Ber.9:6 שופך דם האדם באדם דמו ישפך   - Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed – and in our parasha Numbers 36:33

ולארץ  לא יכופר לדם אשר שפך בה כי בדם שופכו and the land will not have atonement for the blood 

    that was spilled in it , except through the blood of the one who spilled it.

A convicted murderer forfeits the right of existence, the right to dwell on the land. If the act of murder was unintentional but there was carelessness, the perpetrator is exiled to a city of refuge and remains there until the death of the High Priest. His rights on the land are now limited because of his failure to exercise care concerning the life of someone else.  The most serious of situations is – when a person is convicted for murder buys his freedom .According to the Torah , it is difficult to get a murder conviction because there is no such thing as circumstantial evidence. The murder has to be witnessed by 2 witnesses who warned the murderer before committing the act of murder that it is forbidden by the Torah and the consequence is that he will be killed by a court if found  guilty.  In such a case where the guilty person pretends to be innocent and the court is guilty of institutionalized hypocrisy and  does not execute the man, the land is made into a ' hypocrite' and 'defiled'.  ולא תחניפו ...ולא תטמא את הארץ

The Torah uses an unusual expression –' don't turn the land into a hypocrite.' A hypocrite is someone whose actions, external behavior or words don't match his inner thoughts, core or essence. R' SR Hirsch explains that in the Hebrew, the root of the verb that the verse uses is חנף =  cha'naf . This is related to the word ענף  = a'naf , a branch of a tree that supports the fruit that springs from it. The substitution of the letters 'chet' for' ayin' is an expression of negation. What appears to be a branch does not fulfill its design, promise and mission. It does not bear the fruit expected of it. It looks like a proper branch, but at its core it is not – like a hypocrite. The design and mission of the land of Israel is to express its inner core and essence and produce the blessings of the land, but when it does not express its potential and is barren because of the acts of man, man has made the land into a hypocrite. The land is no longer authentic and true to its mission. ( Ramban, R' SRH)

The problem with this translation –' do not make the land into a hypocrite'  is that in a sense the land is being authentic to its source and inner core, when due to man's sins it no longer produces and lies barren. It is the nature of the land of Israel to respond to man's action - with blessings and plenty of produce in response to his positive actions and with curses and barren fields when man sins. The Kli Yakar translates the        לא תחניפו     , as do not cause the land to flatter you, from the word – cha'nu'pah – flattery. When a person expresses insincere praise in order to get something from another   person, he is flattering him and is therefore acting like a hypocrite. The Persian King A'hasvei'rosh flattered the Jews by inviting them to his royal party and they in turn flattered him, by showing their appreciation and enjoying the hospitality. When the land continues to respond in a normal way to man's sin and unauthentic behavior and bears the produce of the land, it is also being unauthentic and hypocritical. When the land in response does not produce its yield, it is being authentic and faithful to its mission.

We can answer - that according to the Ramban and R' SRH the land is made into a hypocrite when it objectively does not fulfill its ultimate mission to produce crops and harvest. The Kli Yakar speaks in relative terms – the mission of the land is to respond to people's actions so when the land still produces despite man's sin, it is responding to man with flattery.

The antithesis of hypocrisy and flattery is the High Priest. He shows a continuous interest and concern for his people in his prayers that people should not be found guilty in court and that people do not sin, be careless and negligent so people's lives are put at risk and die. He does not flatter or praise people in order to ' get' but is  genuine and authentic. 

When it comes to educating and raising children and students, the focus is on the ' Lo lishma ', not doing things or learning because they in their essence are valuable to kids. This is much worse than ' making the land ' into a hypocrite ' or flattering the land. Here, we build kids to be hypocrites and non- authentic people. We are building relationships that are conditional and kids and people are only accepted if they perform or behave as demanded. Parents and teachers are more often  than not, not  authentic and use flattery to get kids to jump through their hoops. Parents are told to ' catch them when they are good ' and then praise them. The praise is used is to flatter kids so they will be more easy to handle and control. It is not authentic or sincere, but used in order to get. The problem with praise that even if it sincere it is experienced as controlling and as judgment by kids. Instead care givers can help kids reflect on how their behavior has consequences for others, rather than consequences for themselves and how they can impact on others and their classroom. Consequences don't help kids to ask – what type of person do I want to be or does my behavior reflect my inner core values. They are never brought into a process, where they can participate on what values should guide their classroom and how problems should be solved. Instead of addressing underlying problems and concerns of both care givers and children , adults unilaterally focus only on their concerns and when expectations are not met , use either positive or negative reinforcements . Rewards, punishments, consequences and praise don't solve problems; just make sure that the locus of control with the adults instead of putting the locus of control with kids and helping them take true responsibility for their education. We want kids to be self-motivated and inspired by their essence and core values, see value in what they do and not become dependent on extrinsic motivators and the approval of others. 

 The educational system is driven by extrinsic motivators like rewards, grades, honor rolls and praise.  The focus is on superficial and extrinsic performance goals such as test scores rather than focusing on the whole child , his thinking, intrinsic competence goals ,helping him develop a love for learning and learning to form his own judgments , getting pleasure in his own achievements and feeling a sense of competence and self-pride.  In schools, material that is not on the test or won't be graded has no value.  Learning has no value in itself - the focus is to get the highest score, the easiest way possible. So in order to motivate kids to learn the focus is on ' how kids learn ' , so there is plenty of praise for high test scores instead of helping kids focus on what they are learning.  Kids are never asked if they find their learning relevant and meaningful and given a chance to participate in deciding on a curriculum that focuses on their questions, interests and curiosity. The alternative to praise  or grades is encouragement and informational feedback -  a conversation between the adult and child where the adult uses responses that describe rather than judge and asks questions about the process – why the child decided to act or write in a certain way. The renowned teacher – Joe Bower said that assessment is not a rubric but a conversation. Praise and flattery is not a conversation , but doing to kids instead of working with them.

Mattot 76 - Anger - Validating concerns, not feelings

The Parasha talks about the battle against Midian for the purpose of avenging the harm done to Israel and  the slight to, and contempt for  God's honor.  After the blessings of Bil'am and the great military victories over the mighty kings Sichon and OG, the children of Israel felt a certain arrogance and ובעל גאווה נמסר ביד יצרו   - and arrogant people are controlled by their desires.  In their arrogance –that they  were independent and did not need to ask for water from the surrounding nations - they drank from the well of Shitim without any fear, knowing that the waters of the well make one drunk with a desire for sexual immorality. This made them fall to plan of Bil'am and be enticed by the daughters of Midian and commit sexual immorality and idolatry. As result of sin , many of the children of Israel  died in a plague.

 The army is victorious, destroys cities and takes spoil and captives.  The returning commanders are met by Moses, Elazar and the elders. Moses gets very angry with the commanders as they kept the females alive.ויקצף משה על פקודי החיל  There are certain values which are greater than life, so you have to give your life and not commit idolatry, sexual immorality or murder. These women had lost the right to live as they enticed Israel to commit sexual immorality and idolatry.   Moses had not given the commanders specific instructions as to how to act in the war. For Him, the whole purpose of the war was to destroy the enticing females. Moses continues and says' it must have that you have sinned with the females, like in Shitim, as it is for this reason that you kept the women alive.' The commanders answered that no one sinned but they still wanted to offer sacrifices to atone for and make amends for any sinful thoughts. Moses could not help but praise the army who aspired to high levels of holiness even in war,  and achieve the ultimate goal of the army, conquering the enemy within and without.  

Although Moses' anger was justified, anger has negative side effects – one forgets one's learning and loses one's wisdom.  The laws of Kashering of  the vessels  that were previously used for non-kosher food הגעלת כלים  had to be taught by Elazar as Moses had forgotten them because of his anger .' The purpose is to get rid of the absorbed taste of non-kosher food in these pots and pans etc These laws allude to the importance of getting rid of negative emotions and atoning for sinful thoughts of the returning soldiers. The returning soldiers are described as ' coming TO the war ' and not from the war as one's personal struggle with refining one's character is made more difficult by war, so the battle never ends. – הבאים למלחמה  (מנחם ציון )'

A collaborative problem solving approach would look like this - Moses:  I see that you have kept alive the women, what's up?  The commanders share  their perspective or concerns - the greatest revenge is to take the women of Midian and let them become part of the national effort of the people of Israel. Moses could then shares his perspective , corrects their mistaken thinking and gives instructions how to deal with the captive women, deals with the  concerns of the soldiers  for atonement and teaches the laws of kashering the vessels. In hindsight Moses was initially justified to feel angry about the situation rather than being angry at the commanders, who although did make a mistake, yet they  inspired  the army to great spiritual heights.

Although our anger about an issue shows that the issue is important to us, but how we manage our anger is important if we want others to internalize our message. The problem with anger or even attaching threats of punishments or consequences to future misdeeds is that people don't internalize the actual message and the value involved. They only  remember  the anger or threat of punishment. We want people and especially kids to internalize the value, so the misdeed, the  inappropriate behavior, the sin  and the  עבירה  is the punishment  'עבירה היא העונש 'and the good deed or mitzvah is the reward itself- שכר מצווה מצווה.

So what should we do about our anger and other emotions and those of our children or students?

It may be important for us to acknowledge our emotions or feelings and more important ' gut feelings', but we have to put them aside and evaluate them later at the end of the problem solving process. Identifying feelings doesn't help with the problem solving process. Some authors talk about validating the feelings and emotions of children but not validating their actions. 'I see that you are angry, upset, frustrated when your sister ….. Etc. . . . The problem is that when we validate feelings we can actually trigger more anger and upset. Talking about and naming feelings   can be valuable in problem solving in that it may help to convert emotional expression into thinking  and we then externalize feelings so we can put them aside and start solving problems. Trying to solve problems in the heat of the moment and deal with emotions is not a good idea.

'Children can feel in control of themselves and their world when they can use words and describe how they are feeling. If a kid has a vocabulary that describes a full range of emotions he is in more of a position to describe how he is feeling. Many kids when asked how they feel say things like ' good, terrific, bad, awful, or terrible. Very few answer ' happy, sad, frustrated, or afraid. When a kid names his feeling ' I am frustrated ', he then continues to give the reason – I am frustrated because I have an unmet need, concern etc., he is then in a position to actually do something about it. A child might do something different if he feels sad than if he feels frustrated. Just thinking he feels ' bad, terrible or awful will not help him make an informed decision about his next step. '- Myrna Shure Thinking parent, Thinking Child 

The vital step in collaborative problem solving is to help the child articulate his concerns or unmet needs and put them on the table.  In the heat of moment of conflict or a meltdown, when a kid is struggling with the emotional rush, naming emotions can give fuel to them. Because naming feelings does not contribute to solving problems, the focus should be in clarifying and understanding the kids concerns. Out of the moment - Talking with children about feelings and emotions is important. We can talk about ' what makes me happy, what do you think makes your sister happy, sad, and angry, frustrated, disappointed etc. This helps kids to consider other peoples' views and feelings. 

So instead of validating feelings, focus on validating concerns and needs which is vital for collaborative problem solving.

Pinchas 76 - The most important word in the world - YES

In our parasha a census of the men takes place in preparation for the distribution of the land of Israel amongst the tribes. The daughters of Zelophehad came forward with their complaint. Because they had no brothers, their family would be without a share in the land. They therefore requested a share in the land among their father's brothers. Moses brought their claim before God- Hashem. God answers Moses with a YES to their claim. -  כן בנות צלפחד דברת   . The word Yes here implies that they have spoken right, properly, exactly, they have made a fair claim and they should be happy as God agrees to their words.

When it comes to relationships the word YES is the most powerful word in the world .As we have seen the word yes can communicate many meanings – Yes, I agree... Yes, you are right, Yes, that is a great idea, Yes, .. I understand you. The psychologist John Gottman suggests that we try to introduce as many yesses as we can into our conversations. We can answer Yes, that's a good idea, or Yes, that's a great point, Yes, I hear you.Yes, means agreement and connection. Yes passes on your power and presence to the other person, your friend, partner, your spouse and child, your team and employees. God answered the daughters of Zelphehad with a Yes and transferred His power and presence to them.

 Dr Dan Siegel asks us to notice how we feel when we read these words, no, no, no, no,no,no, and how you feel when you read these words, yes, yes, yes, yes,yes,yes,yes …. When you hear no, you feel scolded, stressed, alone and start breathing heavy. When you hear yes, you feel relieved and relaxed. Yes makes us more receptive and when we are more receptive presence can created, which is vital for thriving relationships.

Yes opens the doors to collaboration, cooperation and co-creation. The question is – does the word Yes have a role to play in resolving conflicts and problem solving .?  The advice that parents regularly hear is to say ' No' a couple of times during the day, so that  kids learn that they can't get everything that they want and they learn to accept the No word. For many challenging kids saying NO triggers the cortisol hormone which puts the child in the ' fight – flight mode. 'What follows is kids either go ballistic, explode or implode accepting that their parents don't consider that they have legitimate concerns or feelings. There is the assumption that parenting is about win-lose scenarios , kids resisting parental control and parents trying to get kids to do what they want them to do. If we really want our kids to ' hear us ', hear our concerns and experience learning when they interact with us, we need to help them live by Hillel's words - If I am not for myself, who will be for me and if I am only for myself, who am I. ? We need to help them go through the thinking process and make meaning of what is happening, we need to get them talking and reflecting, exploring situations and addressing both their own concerns and the concerns of others. Saying No is essentially only one solution to a concern or a problem. Because the solution only addresses the parents concern we are using Plan A, imposing Adult will on the child.  Traditionally kids have never had their concerns heard. Some parents will empathize with a kid and validate their feelings or concerns but at the same time demand compliance. They do so, just to make compliance easier for kids to swallow. This is called ' Perfunctory empathy, not true empathy. Kids need reassurance, that  when we use collaborative problem solving -  Plan B that we are not trying to force a solution, but we first want to hear their perspectives and concerns and work on a mutually satisfying solution that addresses all concerns.

- I like the phrase - ' I am not saying No ' 

Of course this does not mean I am saying yes, it means ' I just want to hear your concerns, can you tell me more?' Our purpose is to get a conversation going with the child mainly speaking and us listening , and focus on solving the problem.When the solution addresses the concerns of parents, we have in fact set a limit with the child.

The psychologist Dan Wile says that we can manage conflict with a Yes. We don't have to say – ' I am not saying No' – we can say Yes and yes, I will seek to understand your problem before I seek to solve it. Yes, I will work to cultivate empathy for your point of view. Yes, I will respect your dream. Yes, I will dialogue with you, even when I disagree with you and try to solve problems in a mutually satisfactory way. Yes, I will remember to talk to you like I talk to somebody I love. So we can introduce what we say with a yes,-  yes , I hear you … Yes , can you tell me more, Yes, I am concerned that …. Yes makes us more receptive, gives us presence and helps us connect with kids crucial for the CPS - collaborative problem solving process.

For sure, there will be situations when compliance is vital and we say –' you have to or you can't.' Children are more likely to comply with parental demands ,if parents generally focus on cooperation and allow children to participate in making decisions, rather than demanding obedience all the time. Kids will trust their parents and comply even if they are a bit unhappy about it, because in the past their parents solve problems in a collaborative way,   give reasons for their positions and take into account kids' concerns and best interests... God in his Torah does the same. He builds trust by sharing reasons that man can understand, but there is also חוקת התורה – פרה אדומה - the decree of the Torah, the law of the Red Cow, which is beyond our understanding and so beyond criticism.

In situations which are non-negotiable, we can still have discussion and try and be as non-confrontational as possible,- make the request and back off to give them some space, which helps maintain autonomy and dignity. We can give them a choice of how to do the request, when or with whom. We can validate their feelings and be honest that our request is not much fun. We can try and compensate for loss of autonomy in other  areas and respond with many yesses.

Chukat- Balak 76 Self-control and Self-discipline

In our parasha, the children of Israel, defeat Sichon and capture the capital city of Cheshbon.  Sichon had captured the city Cheshbon from Moav with the help of the curses of 2 famous sorcerers Bil'am and his father Be'or. The Torah relates this with the words –Numbers 21:27 Regarding this the poets-  those who speak in parables - would say  Come to Cheshbon ….עַל כֵּן יֹאמְרוּ הַמֹּשְׁלִים בֹּאוּ חֶשְׁבּוֹן The Talmud  Baba Batra  78b translates ' moshel '  as ruler and ' cheshbon ' as an account or calculation . The righteous people who have attained mastery over and rule their evil inclinations proclaim – make an account and a calculation. They live their lives with thought and circumspection. They calculate the loss or cost involved in doing a mitzvah against its profit and the gain of a transgression against its loss and calculate the impact  of their actions on  the world. על כן יאמרו המושלים וגו' המושלים אלו המושלים ביצרם בואו חשבון בואו ונחשב חשבונו של עולם הפסד מצוה כנגד שכרה ושכר עבירה כנגד הפסדה

The Talmud talks about the value and virtue of self –regulation, having self- discipline and self-control. Self-discipline is about marshalling one's willpower to accomplish things that are generally desirable and worthwhile, while self-control is using the same willpower to stop oneself from sinning, doing something undesirable or to delay gratification. In educational circles, the famous Marshmallow test by Walter Mischel and its conclusion echo the same message. Children were left alone in a room after having been told that they could get a small treat – one marshmallow,  by ringing a bell at any time to summon the experimenter or if they held out after his return they would get a bigger treat – 2 marshmallows. Children who had better self –control and could delay gratification, scored better on measures of cognitive and social skills about a decade later and also had higher SAT scores.  Mischel says that home environment and not the ability to delay gratification might have been responsible for the children's achievement found 10 years later. Also,  it was the ability to distract themselves  and focus on something else and  not grim determination, self-control and will-power  that helped children to wait longer. One cannot engage the evil inclination head on, but we have to use   תחבולות, tricks and other strategies. The Talmud Baba Batra 78b says that those people who can control their evil inclinations do so, by engaging their thinking, their prefrontal cortex, rather than their emotional and  animal brains. They focus on values and do a cost-benefit analysis of their actions or plans and  make an account or calculation, not only for themselves but for the world as a whole.  In delaying gratification and not sinning, the reward may be in the distant future in the world to come, but when we do good God supports us in this world  so that we can do more mitzvoth and good - מצווה גוררת מצווה.  What's more important than a future reward is the intrinsic reward of doing the mitzvah itself– שכר מצווה מצווה. The Talmud goes further and takes us out of the realm of the ' self 'and self -interest , even if the  focus is on spiritual self- interest. The Talmud says; make a calculation, an account for the world. As an individual you can tip the scales of the whole world by doing a mitzvah.  Our actions can impact on others, the community and society in either a positive or negative way. A concern for the community and a spirit of altruism should be guiding our behavior , and help us overcome any temptation.

In schools, there is a new focus to help children acquire ' grit' – the power of passion and perseverance. It is quite understandable that we should want kids to be able to persevere and persist at worthwhile tasks, but is grit a character trait that should be promoted by teachers without qualification   - as a character trait that can stand alone? Grit is problematic in its own right in that not everything is worth doing, let alone for extended periods. Persistence can be counterproductive and unhealthy when a problem resists solution or persisting in a task no longer provides satisfaction and also one can end up with missing out on new opportunities. In schools the focus is on test-scores and compliance so ' grit' teaching promotes these limited goals and the  focus on the process of learning, discovery, curiosity and collaboration, experimenting and being more interdisciplinary etc is pushed aside . When  goal is persistence and it does not matter if the student's learning is driven by interest and passion, by a competitive spirit where others kids are seen as obstacles in your way to success or a desperate need to prove competence. The problem is that schools are focused just on fostering  persistence and perseverance and ignore passion. Not all kids have the resources to find their passion, or teaching, coaching and mentoring to inspire them to keep digging in. The solution is not just in the individual kid, being able to persist and persevere but providing the ' structure' and resources that support passion and perseverance. And even when kids do display grit and do well in school, it does not guarantee a future if grit does not come with privilege. Kids need ' agency', the ability to leverage opportunities to change their circumstances, to acquire social capital and connections that will open doors for them. While children might believe that education works on the whole, he or she might not think that it works for him or her and that depends a lot on parent's level of education and whether peers are dropping out or graduating from school and furthering their studies. The Talmud Nedarim 81A says that educators should be zealous in teaching the poor and providing them with the resources and opportunities to succeed. This is learned from the verse in parashat Balak, Numbers 24:7   - Water = (the Torah) will drip from its well = mi'dalyo. We read this like mi'dalim, from poor people. הזהרו בבני עניים שמהן תצא תורה שנאמר יזל מים מדליו – מדלים ,שמהן תצא תורה .   

Unlike the rich who can be very focused on what they have, the poor focus on who they are as people who love learning so they have the potential to become great Torah scholars.

In Parasha Balak, Bil'am says of the children of Israel –That God - He perceived no iniquity in Jacob, and saw no perversity in Israel Numbers 23:21 לֹלא הִבִּיט אָוֶן בְּיַעֲקֹב וְלֹא רָאָה עָמָל בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל.  The word a'mal = perversity has a second meaning – toil, work that is exhausting and laborious. Bil'am says that God sees no exhaustion, toil or drudgery in Israel's service of God and the learning and study of the Torah. Because they are whole-heartedly devoted and dedicated to doing the mitzvoth and learning Torah, and  they do so with a passion, they  are therefore tireless in its pursuit. Their  passion fuels persistence and perseverance.  And when there are challenges and obstacles in the way, self-discipline supports the intrinsic motivation and  passion for what we do. Intrinsic motivation and passion is promoted when kids feel self-directed, autonomous, and competent and have a sense of belonging and support.

Self-discipline and self-control must be expressed in the context of  a passion for values, of doing things that are worthwhile and making a contribution to others.

Korach 76 - Safety in Schools

The evil report of the spies caused a crisis of faith in God, the leadership of Moses and Aaron and in land of Israel as a national home.  In response, God decreed that people over the age of 20 would die in the wilderness. The people became disillusioned. They no longer had a goal and destination - Moses and Aaron in a sense had failed in their mission. This was an opportune moment for Korach to unite people who felt wronged by the fact that they had been passed over in the allocation of leadership positions. Korach felt wronged and aggrieved that Aaron , Moses' brother was appointed instead of him to the position of high priest -  an act of unacceptable favoritism and nepotism,  or when his cousin Elizaphan , the son  of Uziel was placed in charge of the Kohite family, thus making him Korach's superior and giving him that  position which  Korach felt was rightfully his. The tribe of Reu'vein, as descendants of Jacob's firstborn felt they were entitled to leadership positions. The group of 250 leaders were firstborn who still felt wronged that after the sin of the golden calf, the role of special service in the sanctuary passed from the firstborn to the tribe of Levi. The rebels challenged Moses and Aaron in the name of democracy and egalitarian values. 'All of the community is holy, all of them...   Why do you raise yourself above the Lord's congregation?

וַיִּקָּהֲלוּ עַל משֶׁה וְעַל אַהֲרֹן וַיֹּאמְרוּ אֲלֵהֶם רַב לָכֶם כִּי כָל הָעֵדָה כֻּלָּם קְדשִׁים וּבְתוֹכָם יְדֹוָד וּמַדּוּעַ תִּתְנַשְּׂאוּ עַל קְהַל יְדֹוָד

 Everyone should have an equal opportunity to be a leader. Everyone should have the opportunity to be close to Holy of Holies and close to God.

Moses initially proposed a simple test that should have discouraged the rebels and put an end to the rebellion. The rebels and Aaron would bring incense- ketoret in their pans.  A non-priest=Kohen who offered incense is liable to death at the hands of heaven.  Those people, who would survive the test and are spared from death, are God's choice to occupy positions in the Mishkan- Sanctuary. Moses tried to make peace and resolve the conflict by going to the tents of Da'tan and A'viram. They received Moses with contempt, ridicule and insults. Moses felt that the situation could get out of control. The honor and validity of the Torah and the authenticity of his prophecy was at stake. He sought an immediate and dramatic solution from God. He asked, that in order to prove that it is God that has sent him - the ground should split open and swallow up Korach and his followers.  As soon as he had finished speaking the ground opened up and swallowed Korach and his followers. A flame came down from Heaven and consumed the 250 men who were offering the incense. After Moses' prayer had been answered in this dramatic way and he had been proved right, we would have expected that this would have put an end to the rebellion and vindicated Moses, but not so. 'Things became worse.  The next day, the whole community of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron. You have killed the Lord's people, they said. (ו) וַיִּלֹּנוּ כָּל עֲדַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מִמָּחֳרָת עַל משֶׁה וְעַל אַהֲרֹן לֵאמֹר אַתֶּם הֲמִתֶּם אֶת עַם יְדֹוָד: A plague breaks out and Moses tells Aaron to go out between the people with the incense – the ketoret, which had previously being the cause of death - and stop the plague by atoning for the people. Then God instructs Moses to take 12 staffs, one for each tribe and leave them overnight in the Tent of the Meeting – sanctuary. The next morning, the staff bearing the name of Aaron had sprouted, budded, blossomed and borne almonds. It was only then that the rebellion ended, not because of the ground opening up and swallowing the rebels or a fire consuming the 250 leaders, but seeing a dead piece of wood, come to life, sprout, blossom and bear fruit. Aaron and his tribe were now seen as symbols of renewal and hope, dedicated to the growth and the flowering of the people. The new mission of the people was to raise a new generation of almonds that will enter the land of Israel and build a national home dedicated to the service of God. The conflict was over, but people still did not feel safe, fearing that they might by mistake step out of the courtyard and enter sections of the sanctuary only permitted to the priests and Levites and incur the death penalty. Guards are appointed to protect people from entering forbidden areas.

The obvious lesson is that conflict is not resolved by using force and that people's concern for safety need to be addressed. As teachers and principals we cannot make our schools safer by adopting a tougher ' zero- tolerance ' approach to school violence and aggressive behavior.  While some educators do admit that these policies don't help the offending student, but they are needed to motivate others students to take note and behave -  למען יראו וישמעו  - that they should see what will happen to them  if they step out of line. Not only do students in schools that adopted zero- tolerance policies report feeling less safe, but schools were actually less safe after adopting these policies. Kids feel threatened and unsafe in an environment when problems are solved by adults in a unilaterally way using threats and punishments. The alternative is show love and unconditional acceptance and help the student solve problems in a collaborative way, addressing the underlying issues and lagging skills, the concerns of both parties by finding mutually satisfying solutions and helping the student engage in an autonomous way in the moral act of restitution and do Teshuva – repent.  If we focus on teaching replacement behaviors or skills we can lose sight of the human being behind the actions and the reasons, values and motives that give rise to those behaviors. We cannot talk about good character and midot and still foster a competitive climate where kids are ranked according to test –scores and come to see others as obstacles to their success.  .  We need to create a school which is a caring community – where students know and trust adults and kids are known and trusted by adults. If a school is a place that meets students' needs, there is less chance that someone will be moved to lash out in fury. In a caring community students will feel a sense of connection and belonging to others, feel also intellectually and emotionally safe without fear of being laughed at, picked on or excluded by other students. A caring community helps kids ask – what type of person do I want to be and what type of classroom or school I would like and be inclined to act in a caring and responsible way? Of course, teaching and learning which is cooperative ,relevant and  valuable in its own right to students, will contribute to the atmosphere and safety of a school.

Safety is about trust and human relations and building an environment that promotes pro-social behavior and solves problems in a collaborative way. And that is why God chose Aaron and his tribe of Levi. Aaron is the symbol of someone dedicated to peace and conflict resolution, giving life and hope to all.

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