In our parasha a census of the men takes place
in preparation for the distribution of the land of Israel amongst the tribes.
The daughters of Zelophehad came forward with their complaint. Because they had
no brothers, their family would be without a share in the land. They therefore
requested a share in the land among their father's brothers. Moses brought
their claim before God- Hashem. God answers Moses with a YES to their claim.
- כן בנות צלפחד
דברת . The word Yes here implies that they have
spoken right, properly, exactly, they have made a fair claim and they should be
happy as God agrees to their words.
When it comes to relationships the word YES is
the most powerful word in the world .As we have seen the word yes can
communicate many meanings – Yes, I agree... Yes, you are right, Yes, that is a
great idea, Yes, .. I understand you. The psychologist John Gottman suggests
that we try to introduce as many yesses as we can into our conversations. We
can answer Yes, that's a good idea, or Yes, that's a great point, Yes, I hear
you.Yes, means agreement and connection. Yes passes
on your power and presence to the other person, your friend, partner, your
spouse and child, your team and employees. God answered the daughters of
Zelphehad with a Yes and transferred His power and presence to them.
Dr Dan Siegel
asks us to notice how we feel when we read these words, no, no, no, no,no,no, and how
you feel when you read these words, yes, yes, yes, yes,yes,yes,yes …. When you hear no, you
feel scolded, stressed, alone and start breathing heavy. When you hear yes, you
feel relieved and relaxed. Yes makes us more receptive and when we are more
receptive presence can created, which is vital for thriving relationships.
Yes opens the doors to collaboration, cooperation and co-creation. The question is – does the word Yes have a role to play in resolving conflicts and problem solving .? The advice that parents regularly hear is to say ' No' a couple of times during the day, so that kids learn that they can't get everything that they want and they learn to accept the No word. For
many challenging kids saying NO triggers the cortisol hormone which puts the
child in the ' fight – flight mode. 'What follows is kids either go ballistic,
explode or implode accepting that their parents don't consider that they have
legitimate concerns or feelings. There is the assumption that parenting is
about win-lose scenarios , kids resisting parental control and parents trying
to get kids to do what they want them to do. If we really want our kids to '
hear us ', hear our concerns and experience learning when they interact with
us, we need to help them live by Hillel's words - If I am not for myself, who
will be for me and if I am only for myself, who am I. ? We need to help them go
through the thinking process and make meaning of what is happening, we need to
get them talking and reflecting, exploring situations and addressing both their own concerns and the concerns of others. Saying
No is essentially only one solution to a concern or a problem. Because the
solution only addresses the parents concern we are using Plan A, imposing Adult
will on the child. Traditionally kids have never had
their concerns heard. Some parents will empathize with a kid and validate their
feelings or concerns but at the same time demand compliance. They do so, just to
make compliance easier for kids to swallow. This is called ' Perfunctory empathy,
not true empathy. Kids need reassurance, that when we use collaborative problem
solving - Plan B that we are not trying to force a solution, but we first
want to hear their perspectives and concerns and work on a mutually satisfying
solution that addresses all concerns.
- I like the phrase - ' I am not
saying No '
Of course this does not mean I am saying yes, it means ' I just want to hear your concerns, can you tell me more?' Our purpose is to get a conversation going with the child mainly speaking and us listening , and focus on solving the problem.When the solution addresses the concerns of parents, we have in fact set a limit with the child.
Of course this does not mean I am saying yes, it means ' I just want to hear your concerns, can you tell me more?' Our purpose is to get a conversation going with the child mainly speaking and us listening , and focus on solving the problem.When the solution addresses the concerns of parents, we have in fact set a limit with the child.
The psychologist Dan Wile says that we can manage conflict with
a Yes. We don't have to say – ' I am not saying No' – we can say Yes and yes, I
will seek to understand your problem before I seek to solve it. Yes, I will
work to cultivate empathy for your point of view. Yes, I will respect your
dream. Yes, I will dialogue with you, even when I disagree with you and try to
solve problems in a mutually satisfactory way. Yes, I will remember to talk to
you like I talk to somebody I love. So we can introduce what we say with a yes,- yes , I hear you … Yes , can you tell me more, Yes, I am concerned that …. Yes
makes us more receptive, gives us presence and helps us connect with kids
crucial for the CPS - collaborative problem solving process.
For sure, there will be situations when compliance is vital and
we say –' you have to or you can't.' Children are more likely to comply with parental demands ,if
parents generally focus on cooperation and allow children to participate in making
decisions, rather than demanding obedience all the time. Kids will trust their
parents and comply even if they are a bit unhappy about it, because in the past
their parents solve problems in a collaborative way, give
reasons for their positions and take into account kids' concerns and best
interests... God in his Torah does the same. He builds trust by sharing reasons
that man can understand, but there is also חוקת התורה – פרה אדומה - the decree of
the Torah, the law of the Red Cow, which is beyond our understanding and so
beyond criticism.
In situations which are non-negotiable, we can still have discussion
and try and be as non-confrontational as possible,- make the request and back
off to give them some space, which helps maintain autonomy and dignity. We can
give them a choice of how to do the request, when or with whom. We can validate
their feelings and be honest that our request is not much fun. We can try and
compensate for loss of autonomy in other areas and respond with many yesses.
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