Meeting your children's nutritional needs

I recently said to a friend – that the people who cannot  afford the expensive ' hechsherim' , the super glatt meat, the suits and Borsalino hats, women's wigs and Pei'ot , the imported or Nochri fruit and vegetables during  Smittah, bug free ( but plenty of insecticide ) vegetables  etc  are buying these products , while those who can afford them don't. And it is not  just a question of different communities spending money on different things or having different priorities, but it seems that  the poorer communities  are cutting back on healthy nutrition and this  is impacting on kids' health development  with problems of underweight  kids and malnutrition. Stringent bug-free standards for vegetables mean that kids may also be missing out on many important green and leafy vegetables.

There is a video clip of the Harav Ovadia Yosef  Z'TL on the  -Credibility of the Heter Me'chirah hechsher   . The interesting point for me was his statement that if you have extra money to spend, buy produce from the Otzar Beit Din. I have heard his son, the chief rabbi of Holon remark how families and especially the bigger families could not afford to pay the exorbitant prices of the Smittah le'mehadrin produce and meet the nutritional  needs  of their families.

I was wondering whether parents , educators and rabbis reflect on the saying – when you are machmir in one area you are mei'kel in another area ? 

Noah 75- Wine and Noah's Downfall

After the devastation and the destruction of the flood, God makes a covenant with Noah and charges him with the task of building a new world. Noah sees the destruction, but he lacks a plan and a vision for the world. He plants some vine branches from the Garden of Eden which grow with miraculous speed. It seems that God is happy with his actions. Wine is pleasing to both man and God. The wine libations- ניסוך היין -accompany sacrifices and we sanctify holy days with wine. Wine can open up the heart and mind and add a new dimension to a happy occasion.  But miracles sometimes come to test man and are not a sign of God's approval. The Torah-Bereishit 9:20 and Midrash play on the words -    ויחל נח איש האדמה   and Noah began or figuratively, from the word chulin= חולין- he debased and profaned himself by getting his priorities wrong.  He planted a vineyard instead of grains that will provide for man's basic needs for food. He falls from being a איש צדיק - a righteous man to become a 'man of the earth '– איש האדמה - a man who needs take from the world and compensate for his lack of joy and lack of vision. He drank from the wine, became drunk and uncovered himself within his tent.  His grandson Canaan saw Noah in his disgrace and told his father Ham. Ham castrated his father so he could not have any more children.

The fall of Noah was because he was only a survivor, concerned about his own life, a Tzadik – a righteous man only relative to his corrupt generation. Unlike Abraham, he did not have a vision for the world and the leadership qualities to serve God and support man by building God fearing communities. For him God was a support and not an inspiration.

The fall of Noah is a reminder to all of us that we can never to secure in our spiritual levels. We are never stationary , either working on ourselves, marriages, relationships, businesses – going up  or going down if we do not invest in our lives and relationships. And falling is so much easier and quicker when there is alcohol available. There are so many stories of young men who are trying to create new meaningful live and fall because they drank too much. Even if we use the physical world in a positive way for eg we drink in honor of the Sabbath, Purim and at special family events and simchas, there is danger. There are 2 aspects to drinking - we elevate the wine when we use it for a spiritual ritual, we are subjects, givers = gavra, but when we get pleasure from the wine we become like objects, 'receivers' = cheftza. And the question becomes - are we essentially ' receivers', happy because of the bottle or 'givers', happy because of the meaning and significance we attach to an event. This is the reason we try to be modest and understate ourselves when we are eating, drinking, being intimate or relieving ourselves.

We and especially young people with challenges can learn from Noah's mistakes. We drink and only a little, not because we live in our depressed world, but because we want to celebrate achievement or a meaningful event and wine can ADD to our mood and feelings of happiness. Noah needed to first plant grains, so wine accompanies food and water which are the main part of the meal and not the drink. If we want to stay sober we need to also eat and drink water. Drinking alcohol not only impairs cognitive ability but promotes the making of urine in excess of the volume you have drunk and this can cause dehydration unless extra fluid is taken. Our focus should not be on the drink or even the food but on being pro-social and contributing in a meaningful way to the social event.

Purim becomes a challenge because there is an obligation to drink on Purim –' l’besumei' – until he cannot discern between Haman and Mordechai. This is because  wine plays a significant role in the Purim story It cannot be that there is a mitzvah to get drunk as the word ' l'besumei' is derived from the word to sniff or inhale a smell. It means we should only have a little to drink during the meal in order to get us into the mood. When we are drunk with happiness because of the miracle of Purim, we will occasionally sing verses of a popular song in the incorrect order, meaning   that we will sing the verse of Arur Haman- Cursed is Haman in the place of the verse of Baruch Mordechai – Blessed is Morderchai. In this way we fulfill the mitzvah of - Chayav einish l’besumei be’puria ad deloi yoda bein arur Haman l’baruch Mordechai” which loosely translated says, that one is obligated to drink on Purim until he cannot discern between Haman and Mordechai.

As Parents and educators we have to offer kids guidelines to wine drinking and alcohol and even to the art of pairing wine with food, so wine is always part of the meal.

Wine and alcohol can cause the downfall of a person but  when he is happy about something meaningful , a little wine can add something extra to the mood of a festive meal .When people are concerned about others , pro-social and giving , drink a little only during a meal , getting drunk will never  happen.

Be'rei'shit 75 - Your child as your Ally

Before God created man,  God said ' Let us make man '. Be'rei'shit 1:26. He consulted with his heavenly council and also asked their permission before he created man.  Man was destined to have dominion and rule over the lower world. The Sages say that God is teaching an important lesson and ethical behavior= derech- e'retz. People in power should consult with their subordinates and get their permission.  Communication and dialog preceded only  man's creation , because man is different from God's other creations. Man was given the power of speech which enables him to communicate his thoughts and feelings. Together,' Man' can share different perspectives and concerns, build God fearing communities and solve problems in a collaborative way. Gods words -  ' Let us make man '  tell us that communication and collaborative problem solving are intrinsic to man, and that man expresses his uniqueness by consulting, problem solving  and achieving consensus with others.

Educators and Parents  should be communicating and having a dialog with kids about their expectations and hopes for building a cooperative  community of caring learners or a family dedicated to supporting each other and other members of the community. Instead of focusing on obedience by creating rules and consequences in a top-down manner , parents , educators and kids can participate in drawing up guidelines and core values that should guide behavior and goals. Problems can be addressed not by 'dong to ' kids with rewards and punishments but  ' working with ' kids using Collaborative Problem solving  -  identify concerns and perspectives and then brainstorming  mutually satisfying , durable and realistic solutions. The Talmud teaches that teachers learn the most from their students, so kids do have  much to offer.  The author Eli Neuberger says - the method of withdrawing privileges and other punishments is essentially negative. I can't communicate with you and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes and you can trust me to help you do better in the future.

The Ba'al Shem Tov says that when God says ' Let us make man', He is talking to man himself. God is saying ,  man – be my partner and ally in building a world based on Godly values of service , humility , holiness and community etc  despite the challenges of man's physical side and attraction to a physical world. Parents and educators can view kids as partners and allies or people who are immature, controlled by evil impulses and cannot be trusted. If you cannot trust kids to behave you need to control their behavior with lots of rules and consequences. And according to the Pygmalion effect, kids will act according to your negative expectations. Kids see their roles as only to do what their parents want and say, so there is a constant power struggle between kids who are fighting for some sort of autonomy and self- expression and parents/teachers'  wishes. God is saying – focus on the positive side of kids, see them as allies and partners in building a school of cooperative and caring learners, a family with ideals and vision , one  that  supports its members and cooperates to help others in the community. If you trust kids, you can make them feel part of a great idea and movement. And according to the Pygmalion effect they will become more responsible and caring people. Discipline is no longer a question of what will be done to me, what will I get – the consequences for me  or what's in it for me – but how do my actions impact on others , how do they reflect my core values, what do I want my classroom or family to look like.

When God says ' Let us make man ' He is saying to parents and educators. See in your kids and students potential allies and partners in building  school communities and families based on a vision and ideals.  And the way to go is to consult with kids , let them participate in the decision making process  and setting up of guidelines and core values.  Solve problems in a collaborative way , so that consensus is achieved by brainstorming mutually satisfying solutions. Kids are  encouraged to engage in an autonomous way in the moral  act of restitution to fix damage or restore injured relationships . ' Let us make man ' is a call by God to us to become the men, women and children that God created us to be.

Vezot Ha'bracha - Mattot 75 Zeal = Ze'ri'zut and Context

In Parsashat Ha'azinu Devarim 32: 48-50 God commands Moses' to ascend Mount Nevo and see the land of Canaan and then you will die on the mountain'. In our  Parasha Ha'azinu, Devarim 34:1,  Moses ascended Mount Nebo with  one giant leap  displaying tremendous  ' ze'ri'zut' , zeal  and energy  in fulfilling  God's commandment.  Moses acted in a similar way Numbers 31 when he was commanded to 'go to war against the Midianities, take revenge for the Children of Israel and afterward you will be gathered unto your people'. Even though he would be bringing closer his death, he did not delay and sent the army   into battle with Pinchas as  its commander.  Abraham in Bereishit 22:3, expressed the same ze'ri'zut, zeal and passion, when he got up early in the morning in order to carry out God's command to sacrifice his son, Isaac. He would be thus hastening Isaac's death.   In these cases, the question is asked, what's  the  rush ? – life  is so precious, there are so many opportunities to do so many mitzvoth. Every moment, minute and certainly hours are extremely precious. One can do so much learning and many more mitzvoth in this short  time. The question is even stronger on Moses'   ascent  of  Mount Nevo. 

Rabbi Katz from the Telse Yeshivah asks - If Moses would have walked up the mountain in a respectable way, he could have done a lot of learning, which meant a lot of mitzvoth in the hours before his death.  Why did Moses give up so much for the sake of a  hi'dur Mitzvah, doing the mitzvah in an extraordinary way with ze'ri'zut, zeal and energy. The answer is that doing mitzvoth with ze'ri'zut, passion and zeal is not considered as something extra, but part of the mitzvah itself. It is the expression of one's intrinsic motivation and deepest feelings. For Moses, carrying out God's explicit commandments was more valuable than his   life,  despite the many opportunities to do mitzvoth. And he did it with great happiness, zeal and ze'ri'zut, even if it brought closer his death.

But it seems that Moses was not so precise when he carried out God's commandments. In the case of the war against Midian, Moses was commanded to take revenge .He  himself does not go to war but sends Pinchas as the commander. In our Parasha Moses does not immediately ascend Mount Nevo. He  first  gives his final blessings to the tribes  and then leaves them to ascend the mountain. God's commandments   have to be seen in terms of their context and other Torah values. Moses sent Pinchas to do battle, because Moses had taken refuge in Midian after feeing Egypt. It would be throwing stones into the well, from which he drank and that would not be showing ' gratitude ' and ha'ka'rat ha'tov. It was an act of ' de'rech eretz ',common decency and ethical behavior  for Moses to first address his people and bless them before he left them.  Implicit in God's command was to send Pinchas and not go to battle  himself and first to address and bless the nation before he ascended Mount Nevo.

Parents and educators tend to focus on just getting kids to do the actions of the mitzvoth and will use any extrinsic motivators such as prizes, grades and competition to motivate kids to do the mitzvoth. This is based on a false belief that kids cannot appreciate the beauty or value of mitzvoth and that ultimately in an automatic way, kids will come to do things for the right reasons and with intrinsic motivation. The truth is that it is much easier to bribe kids to do something than to ' inspire' them to do something.  Intrinsic motivation, ze'rizut, passion and energy are not 'hidur mitzvah ' but the mitzvah itself. The motivation  for the prize not only gets in the way of kids ' connecting' with the mitzvah itself.We also convert  the spiritual =mitzvoth into money or other prizes. Prizes just motivate kids to get more prizes.  When the focus is on the action and not making meaning of the action we miss out on helping kids see the actions and mitzvoth in their context.Extrinsic motivation tends to narrow focus and helps for manual tasks or tasks that require little thinking. God's mitzvoth require us to broaden our focus and see what we are doing in their context and in terms of other Torah values God does not want blind obedience. He wants us to do mitzvoth with commitment and understanding and love . Moses taught us that ze'ri'zut, zeal and energy  are intrinsic to  the mitzvah and not hidur mitzvah-  something extra. Moses taught how God's commandments must be seen in a context, so values such as gratitude =' ha'ka'rat ha'tov ', ethical behavior and  common decency = 'derech eretz' are given expression when we do our mitzvoth and interact with others. 

Ha'azinu 74 - Lead by Greatness

In this week's portion-parasha of Ha'azinu Moses tells us to'' Remember bygone days, understand the years of each generation, ask your father and he will tell you, your grandfather and he will say it over to you."זכור ימות עולם, בינו שנות דור-ודור;    שאל אביך ויגדך, זקניך ויאמרו לך." Moses is encouraging   us by his words -  'remember bygone days' to have an appreciation of History and to see God's divine role in shaping history. We also need to remember history as the philosopher George Santayana warns ' Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". The Menachem Zion notes that the next words in the verse – understand the years of each generation – sounds a little redundant or just poetic. He explains that the word 'shnot' – years can be read not as years but as the differences, so we are encouraged to learn the lessons of history but also appreciate the differences in each generation when we apply these lessons. The previous generations  have a sense of history and appreciate these differences and changes.

 The changes and differences are obvious when it comes to children's   education and discipline issues. The use of corporal punishments, other punishments and harsh criticism are discouraged and frowned upon despite sources in the Talmud and the Bible that condone the use of corporal punishment. The world then was a rather different place. It was very authoritarian .Those in positions of authority like fathers and teachers had a lot of power and this power was respected. Women, children, students, and  slaves were expected to be very obedient and submissive. If these expectations were not met, they were punished often with a beating. Women and certainly children accepted this as part of their culture. The educational system demanded such a system. The focus was on learning lots of information, mishnayot, Bible by heart, rote learning and memorizing facts.' Carrot or stick ' techniques work well in getting kids to focus on remembering facts and  learning mishnayot by heart.        

We live in a rather different world where the instruments of control are extremely limited. Corporal punishment and other punishments are totally ineffective. Today it is an accepted fact with so much overwhelming evidence that hitting kids is not only harmful, but also ineffective. There is a tendency amongst religious parenting authors to romanticize the period when corporal punishment was considered effective and not harmful. Kids were considered more resilient, compared to metal, when beaten is hardened and strengthened. Kids were said to flourish under a regime of strict and punitive discipline and high expectations. Today's kids are considered like clay that crumbles when beaten.  They are not resilient and emotionally vulnerable. They don't need punishment but need rewards and encouragement to motivate and control them.  Interestingly when it comes to the treatment of women, they don't say that beating a wife is not acceptable today because today's women are less resilient and more vulnerable  – like clay. And that those women who lived in a culture that allowed a husband to beat a wife in order to educate her were resilient  like metal. We just say that it was culturally acceptable.  We don't hit women because we are concerned for their dignity, safety and emotional needs.  When it comes to corporal punishment a slave is more resilient than a freeman, a donkey is more resilient than a slave and a student is more resilient than his teacher (the principal punishes the teacher with a beating). The more honored the person, the more emotionally vulnerable he is.

These authors see the lack of teacher and parental power and authority as a sign of regression in the education. Harav Kook and others have explained that often spiritual regression as that which took place after the ' enlightenment era' meant that the teaching of Torah needed to be more intellectual and deeper to meet the new challenges of science and philosophy. In the same way, we cannot be authoritarian and use power and status  to control  people, but be powerful because of who we are, become authoritative   and lead people because of our greatness.

 We try to inspire kids to learn Torah because it is relevant, meaningful and exciting and not to get a 'good grade'.  Creative learning only takes place when kids feel safe and not feel being controlled by rewards or punishments. We teach kids not to act inappropriately because they will be punished, but because of the consequences of their actions on other people. We teach them to ask – what kind of person do I want to be, what kind of school or community do we want. When we use power we lose the opportunity for learning and spiritual growth and learning to solve problems in a collaborative way. When it comes to all kids and especially the  challenging kids ,we have the benefit of at least 30 years of brain research that shows that kids do well we attend to their needs for acceptance, respect and other emotional needs and give up trying to control them with punishments or even with  rewards. Kids may have the comforts of life and not be abused physically but today kids in a sense have a more  difficult time . They  have to ' behave and do well at school in order to earn parental love and acceptance. Kids' resilience depends on their needs for unconditional  acceptance , respect, love  and other emotional needs are being met.

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Va'yelech 74 Hakhel - Learning that touches the heart and soul

The Parasha-Portion of Va'yeileich - Devarim- Deut. 31:10-13 deals with the mitzvah of ' Hakhel where the king read passages from the Torah in the presence of the whole nation. All the men, women, and children - including infants had to attend the event. It was a re-enactment of giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai. It took place in the temple in Jerusalem after the Sabbatical year during the festival of Succoth, once in 7 years. The Shmittah -Sabbatical year and Succoth allude to God's divine protection and providence, and Israel's faith and loyalty to their God.

 The Talmud – Cha'giga 3, asks why the ' infants-  ha'taf ' had to attend? Two answers are given. Even if these infants   do not benefit directly from the ' hakhel experience', their parents and especially their mothers are credited for bringing them. The underlying reason is - by bringing their infants and making sure every person would be present at this event, they show an appreciation of the importance and centrality of the Torah for the Jewish nation and for future generations.  The Talmud – Masechet Sofrim adds the following reason - there is in fact a benefit and intrinsic reward for the infants themselves from the Hakhel experience. People would according to their intellectual levels and obligations, either engage in studying the words of the Torah, or just listen to the reading of the king, but all would be emotionally moved by the ' Hakhel ' experience which would make them more appreciative of the wonder and awe of God, to love God ,his law and be more committed to God and his Torah.  The hakhel experience also supports cooperative learning and 'ahavat yisrael ' the  emotional connection between people .

An emotional connection to learning leads to better cognition and  a deeper understanding.The Malbim explains that the toddlers and infants will be affected emotionally in a bigger way than the adults by the incredible atmosphere of fear and love for God and awesome sight of millions of Jews standing united for hours for the sole purpose of hearing the lessons that the king is reading from the Torah. Their lack of intellectual understanding allows the imagination to make an indelible impression of what they see and experience. This experience is intrinsically valuable as it will contribute to the love and fear of God when they become obligated to do the mitzvoth.

The purpose of the Hakhel experience is to move people emotionally, so that their learning experience will touch their hearts and souls and motivate them to higher levels of love and fear of God. The big events such as the festivals do the same thing and give us an ' emotional lift' out of our routine existence. But our aim should be that all our learning and experiences should touch our hearts and souls. 

When it comes to our kids' education, people are becoming aware of the importance of social-emotional learning to help kids regulate their emotions and improve their social skills, but no attention is being paid to something equally important – that a kid's learning should touch their hearts and souls. The reason that this does not happen is that learning is driven by extrinsic motivators like grades and competition. Kids, parents and teachers focus on how well kids are doing, and any emotional input is put into the ' good job' praises or expressions of disappointment. Instead success or failure should be experienced only as information. This allows parents and teachers  help kids  to focus on what there are doing and learning  , making meaning of what they are doing, sharing their  learning and learning from others ,  and ' connecting to  ' the learning so that the learning  touches their hearts and souls. Instead the emotional connection is not with the learning but with the grade or position in the classroom rankings. 

It was previously understood that emotions interfere with learning. The author and researcher Mary Helen Immordino-Yang says that emotions are important and integral  to children's learning. They form a critical piece of how, what, when, and why people think, remember, and learn. Emotion and cognition are supported by interdependent neural processes. Emotions are not add-ons that are distinct from cognitive skills Complex emotional feelings, such as interest, inspiration, indignation, and compassion, are active mental constructions. We only think deeply about things we care about. deep understanding depends on making emotional connections between concepts. Emotions are triggered by the meaning kids make of their learning , and in turn emotions like interest, excitement , curiosity , feeling of connection with the learning or a sense of awe in beholding beauty, become a dimension of the cognitive  skill itself leads to better cognition and understanding. Interest can precipitate a lifetime commitment to studying a topic, that kids have such trouble applying themselves when they don’t know why they would ever use a skill outside of class, and that offering kids candy will make them like coming to class but will not help them learn to appreciate mathematical thinking.

 Curriculum should be based on kids' interests and what is relevant and meaningful to their lives. They should be expressing their opinions and perspectives in the context of a caring, cooperative learning community and not just giving the answers that teachers want. In this way they will develop deeper understanding ,a connection and  love for learning, act on newly acquired knowledge in other areas as well and show a commitment to the values underlying their learning. They should be hearing stories of real people whose lives give expression to lessons learned and they should also tell their own stories and share their own experiences. The Mitzvah of ' Hakhel' comes to remind us to open our hearts to our learning, and that all learning and experiences can and should touch our hearts and souls and those of our children and students, support the emotional connection between learners themselves and the emotional connetion with God  and lead to deeper understanding.

Ki Tavoh -74 Being grateful is not easy

Our portion-parasha   Ki Tavo starts of the mitzvah – commandment to dedicate the first fruits of our labors to God by bringing them to the Beit Ha'mikdash – Temple in Jerusalem – Deuteronomy/ Devarim 26:1-11. . The bringing of the ' Bikkurim' took place mainly from Shavuot to Succot and was accompanied by a moving declaration of gratitude to God for ' redeeming us   from the hardships of Laban and Egypt and bringing us to the land of Israel. '

Being grateful is a challenge as we tend to ascribe success to our own doing and forget God's crucial support, without which we could not succeed.  We also tend to forget people who have helped us along the way. From this mitzvah we learn to be grateful to God and express gratitude to all those who have helped us when we reflect and speak about the milestones we have reached and success we have achieved.

But more challenging is when we are faced with a crop that has 'failed'. Even from the little that there is, we have to take and dedicate our 'Bikkurim' – the first fruits. Because  the Mishnah says -  Bikkurim don't have a ' sh'iur' , a minimum quantity,  you have to dedicate something .  Even if the fruits of our labors are miserable, we have to make our declaration and as the verse states – rejoice with all the goodness that Hashem, your God, has given you and your household together with the poor of your community.   וְשָׂמַחְתָּ בְכָל-הַטּוֹב, אֲשֶׁר נָתַן-לְךָ ה'    .Celebrating and being grateful for success and sharing your success with others is not so challenging as the celebrating and being grateful for a miserable crop yield. Also the declaration is only said if the first fruits are brought between Shavuot and Succot and not after Succot. This is because the period after Succot, is  after the harvest has been gathered and therefore  is not called a time for rejoicing.

The verse says that we should rejoice and be glad with ALL the goodness that Hashem, your God has given you.  And this means searching within ourselves and discovering  what we can be grateful about. Being grateful does not depend on something ' external to us ' or being the receptacles of someone else's goodness. It is a characteristic, it is a need within us to feel grateful and express it.  We are grateful for life, our relationship with God, the Torah  and the opportunities to do good and  mitzvoth. We are not only grateful for the first fruit but more so for the opportunity to perform the mitzvah-commandment  of ' Bikkurim ', to dedicate the first fruits of our labors to God, in fact to dedicate our labor to God. In our declaration of gratitude to God, we do not thank God for the fruit, but we thank God for gift of  the land. The bringing of the fruit is just a way we express our gratitude for having a holy home close to God. . And the best time are the festivals of Shavuot until the end of Succot , a season full of opportunities to make a contribution and do mitzvoth

As parents and teachers we can model being   people who are happy, grateful and always see the glass half full. When kids don't meet our expectations or make mistakes, our disappointment, or even anger can get in the way of how we view the whole  child. Suddenly we are no longer grateful for the gift of this child , we don't see the whole picture – a child with wonderful attributes who has now made a mistake. When kids make mistakes or experience failure we can still see the positive and say they are doing their best as the CPS - collaborative solving mantra tells us ' children do well if they can . We don't need to be critical , just collaborate with them to solve the problem. Mistakes and failure are windows for new opportunities for growth and improvement. Being grateful is not just  being happy with what we have been given, but being grateful for opportunities to make a contribution and grow despite the challenges we face.