Ki Teitze 74 - A United Family or a United Front

Many parenting experts cite a verse from our weekly parasha-portion in order to encourage parents to keep a ' united front' against their' ben sorer u'moreh' - rebellious and challenging child. The verses Devarim 21:18-21 speak of parents who report their son to the elders of the city - that despite attempts to discipline him, he does not listen to the voice of his father or mother. The parents claim that their parenting is not the problem because they do not convey contradicting and mix messages to the kid, but it is the kid who is at fault as he does not listen to their  ' singular' voice.

Everyone agrees that parental and marital harmony is crucial for raising kids in a peaceful, loving and cooperative environment.  And children do better when there is some degree of consistency and predictability. But the overriding question is what are we being consistent about and whether we can overdo or misapply the consistency by following the widespread parenting advice of ' keeping a united front'.

A problem with the advice of having an united front against your challenging child is that it describes the 'parent-child ' dynamic a 'war'  against the kid where parents are ' doing to ' the child , imposing parental will using power  and authority. In a war, you may win the battle, but lose the war and your child. This advice blinds and deafens parents to asking important questions – what kind of relationship do I have with my child and/or is my child's lagging skills causing his challenging behaviors. A parent cannot report a rebellious or wayward son if they are' blind ', as they are also blind to the needs of their kid.  I often hear how a kid runs away from home, at best to his grandparents, after having an argument with one of his parents. Instead of maintaining the ' united front ' and backing up the father for eg , the mother who  has not been involved emotively in the argument and confrontation can step in as a third party and try to reconcile the parties by using Collaborative problem solving techniques. The concerns of the father and the child are put on the table and attempts are made to find mutually satisfying solutions or at least an attempt to try and compensate the child. When reasons are given for decisions and the concerns of kids are taken into account, kids are more likely to trust parents' decisions even when they are not so happy about them. A United front can cause even more damage. So  often with a challenging kid or  even with  a typical kid ,a spouse and it is usually the father  is more demanding, strict , critical and very confrontational with a child. The kid becomes more reactive, defiant, oppositional, explosive or implosive. The wife who disagrees with this approach is given the advice to maintain the united front and back the husband. This is the perfect 'recipe' for continued abuse and trauma. Constant confrontation, criticism and put downs is abuse and traumatic even if it is low level. Kids will either leave the home or be kicked out, drop religious practices and their emotional connection with their parents. Instead the other spouse or mother should see her role as primarily protecting her child and not sticking with her husband. The wife can show the husband that they are 'losing' and ' hurting ' their child and that the husband's concerns can be addressed by ' working with the child 'and solving problems in a collaborative way.  And if he continues, she should leave the home with the kids if he is not willing to follow her lead, instead of kicking out the kid.

The verse talks about the kid not listening to the parents' voice', not just the words. This implies that the unified message must be honest and authentic. Although parents may easily share the same values, beliefs and dreams for their children, being human with different personalities they may have different perspective of the abilities of their children and interventions appropriate to the child. When parents feel compelled to take the same position on every issue in front of kids, they are being dishonest with themselves and certainly not authentic. Kids see through this, so it is better for kids to see that adults sometimes disagree and yet resolve their disagreements in a respectful way or even in some cases learn to tolerate differences. Instead of a ' unified front' parents should aim for a' unified family', where the kids participate with parents to form a family mission statement and problems are solved in a collaborative way taking into account the concerns of all. When parents ' concerns are addressed, the solutions not only address the kids concerns but also set limits. In this way parents can still be honest to themselves  and authentic and work together for the unity of the family and not just keep a united front against their children.

Pinchas 73 - The power and Pitfalls of consistency

After Moses asks God to appoint a leader to succeed him and lead the people, God tells Moses to give the Israelites a spiritual inheritance in the form of the Temple service.  The first in a long list of sacrifices and offerings is the ' Korban Tamid ' the continual daily offering that was brought twice a day , morning and afternoon , on every day of the year without exception.

The biblical text, in a strange way  interrupts the description of the laws  pertaining to the Daily offering , and tells us that this offering was identical to the one that offered in the wilderness of Sinai during the inauguration of the tabernacle.

This Tuesday ,is the fast of  the 17^th of the month of Tamuz .

On this day 5 tragedies took place. Moses broke the 2 tablets on which the 10 commandments were written, The Continual daily offering – the Korban Tamid -was stopped and annulled, the walls of Jerusalem were breached ,  Opastamus burned the Torah scroll and placed an idol in the temple.

It would appear that stopping the bringing of the daily sacrifice seems the most minor of the tragedies especially that today we seem   get along without a temple and its sacrifices. Also the daily sacrifices are not considered the high lights of the year, like those of the Festivals or special occasions like   Yom Kippur when the people used to come to visit the temple , so why is the stopping of the Daily sacrifice so significant.?

The continual daily sacrifice  takes priority  over all other sacrifices – it is the first sacrifice to be brought and if one has to choose between a more holier sacrifice like the additional sacrifice brought on the Sabbath and the daily sacrifice , the daily sacrifice is brought.

The answer is that the daily continual offering is symbolic of consistency and routine. What defines a person is his 'daily routine ' and  how he lives his life on a day to day basis. It is his continual daily connection with his creator , with learning, and with his physical body = a healthy life style – exercise, healthy eating , spiritual food etc . It is about consistency and process, loving what you do,  rather than focusing on loving what you achieve .

Consistency, good habits, routine, and structure are very important for people to flourish and succeed.  But routine and consistency have a major  pitfall. It so easy that our actions become stale, automatic, robotic with no thought . They become rote –' mitzvat anashim me'lumada '

The Bible interrupts the description of the laws   pertaining to the Daily sacrifice , and tells us that this sacrifice was identical to the one that offered in the wilderness of Sinai during the inauguration of the tabernacle. This is also to remind ourselves  that the daily sacrifice should be brought with the same feelings of  excitement, newness  and enthusiasm that accompanied the first daily offering .

 In fact our actions should be like musicians whose performance has the richness of a thousand performances and the excitement of a first performance.

 King David in Psalms 27:4 says  - "I asked one thing from G-d, that is my request; to dwell in the House of G-d all the days of my life, and to visit His Palace."

 King David wants to dwell in God's house all the days of his life , yet wants still to experience the newness and the excitement that a visitor experiences in the house of G-d.

As parents , educators and people who are interested in self growth and empowerment how do we help ourselves and our children to be consistent with our daily routines and yet maintain the newness and the excitement of a first time performance and avoid the pit fall of consistency  - automated action.?

With kids we confuse the need to give 'structure and routine'  with control and compliance. 'Reasonable structures should be  imposed only when necessary , in a flexible manner , without undue restrictiveness, and when possible , with the participation of the child.' –AK  Healthy structures can be defined  as the provision of  healthy guidelines and information that children need to be ' self –determining . ' -Grolick

The ' imposed ' routine or structure is usually enforced by using rewards and punishment and not by ' teaching and refection.' This further impairs any internalization and commitment to the values underlying the actions , and makes for 'rote ' behavior.

The motivation driving a routine or structure is usually extrinsic so for example, learning is driven by grades and tests or making the honor's roll instead of the love of learning expressed by a continuous learning on a daily basis.

Dieting and exercise is driven by the goals of losing weight and good results on blood tests rather than trying to adopt a healthy life style which you enjoy and believe in .

 We forget the lesson of the daily offering that it is the everyday activities and not the highlights of life that are important and define us. We focus primarily on 'achievement and not on the 'process'.

We make the mistake by overrating and calling for more ' self discipline , grit and resilience ' in order to achieve the goals of consistency and hard work. Proverbs 5:19 in the context of learning says – be'ahavata tisgeh tamid – by the love for her ( torah learning ) you will be captivated for- ever , always and continuously. It is the love for what we do that makes for self discipline, grit and resilience possible in healthy ways.

The way we can promote the love of what we do is try to support the autonomy of kids, that they feel self directed as we should as well when we pursue our goals  , we all should feel a sense of purpose , relevance and connection, be competent, feel a sense of belonging, support and relatedness to the people around us.