When we take a look at the
lives of the Avot – the Forefathers and especially the life of Ya'akov- Jacob,
we see lives that are full of challenges and very complicated, and yet in the
end the light of the Torah is revealed. Proverbs 23:31 implies that
only people who have their eyes on drink think that life runs smoothly without
bumps in the road or complications. כִּי-יִתֵּן
בכיס (בַּכּוֹס) עֵינוֹ; יִתְהַלֵּךְ, בְּמֵישָׁרִים.Leah as the older daughter, according to the local people was destined to
be married off to Eisav- Esau. She cried and prayed to God .She became Jacob's
wife in a most complicated way because Jacob wasn't able to perceive at that
time, that his destiny to become Israel needed him to marry Leah. Jacob
initially felt a touch of resentment to Leah because of her complicity with her
father in deceiving and conning him into marrying her. Leah was extremely
conscious of not being the 'favorite wife' and felt not loved and even '
hated.' Thing slowly began to improve when she began to have children. We see
from the names she gave her sons how each son helped Jacob's love for her to
grow even more. She called their first born son – Reuvein, from God seeing her
affliction which was apparent and could be seen by all. Her second son was
called Simon, from God hearing her that she was ' hated' = less loved,
something that only she could notice from the tone of Jacob's voice in
conversation with her .After she had her third son and thereby given birth to
her share of the 12 tribes, there would be no difference in the love Jacob
showed to his 2 wives and that from now ' my husband will become attached to me',
implied by the name Levi. Their connection now had the commitment of a couple
that find their happiness only in each other. In fact, Jacob gives expression
to his love and commitment by him naming the child, Levi. ( R'SRH). The
Chizkuni says that until this point Leah could cope alone in raising her
children, one child in each hand, now that she had a third child, she needed
Jacob's help. The obvious question is why could not Leah rely on the hands of
her maid-servant Zilpah? When it comes to ' education', it is the parent and
not the ' super-nanny' that is responsible and has to be active in the child's
education.
And this introduction from
the parasha reminds me of a woman who had a ' problematic marriage ' and was
told , that we can see from Leah's experience that 'having more children '
would solve her problems and cause her husband to show affection, love and
support. Unfortunately, things became
much worse and she had to carry the burden of caring for even more children by herself.
She continued to be 'emotionally abused' and with the added burden of the children,
she had a physical and emotional breakdown. The husband tried to take the kids
from her by having her certified by a psychiatrist as being mentally not there
and unable to care for her kids. If he would have succeeded, a 'philipino 'and
her friend would be looking after the kids.
It is pretty obvious that
the cases are completely different. The woman already had a few children and
that did not impact positively on the husband. The husband was a self-centered
abusive personality and certainly not a Jacob. Leah was less-loved and not –
not loved. The husband could be interested in ' having' children, but does not
see them as a product of the love between his wife and himself and does not
feel privileged and honored by God- Hashem , that they as a couple have been
chosen by God to raise these children, however challenging they may be. Ya'akov – Jacob and Leah were partners in
establishing the 12 tribes that would become the nation of Israel.
It is said that God gives
people the challenges and difficulties that are within their potential and
ability to deal with. One woman who was struggling and feeling totally helpless
parenting her challenging kids remarked that ' she wished that God would not
have such a high opinion of her. I feel we need to reframe the belief – that if
we receive the proper support and guidance, in addition to God's help, we are
able to cope with the challenges that life presents to us.
Raising challenging and high
maintenance kids is very stressful even when couples are 'on the same page ' and
attuned to the needs of their kids. Being on the same page and moving in the
wrong direction does not help very much. Often the husband feels the wife is
too soft and does not know how to set limits with kids. He believes the kids can
behave if they want to, all it takes is to make them ' wanna behave ', using power, fear, threats, punishments, consequences, bribes and rewards.
Using Plan A – imposing Adult will usually escalates conflict and causes more
meltdowns. This causes even more stress between the parents, as the one party, usually the mother who is the primary care giver has made a paradigm shift. She
believes and this is supported by at least 30years of brain research that ' children
do well if they can ' and most problems have at their source in developmental
delays and lagging skills particularly in the domains of flexibility,
adaptability and frustration tolerance. The way to go is to improve the
relationship and connection and reduce conflict by prioritizing problems and
putting some of them on the shelf – this is called Plan C. The focus then is on Plan B, not dealing with
behaviors, but rather trying to solve the underlying problems using
collaborative problem solving. Here, we first focus on the kids concerns and
perspectives and encourage him to open up and express his concerns. We then
share our concerns and invite the kid to brainstorm with us solutions that are
mutually satisfactory, realistic and durable. We agree to review how the solution
is working. In this way the kid feels understood. We support his autonomy =
feeling self –directed and connected to his inner core, competence = we promote
many cognitive and life skills, enhance our relationship and moral development. Hillel taught that we should address not only
our concerns, but also take into account the concerns and perspectives of
others. The father, being concerned only for his need to control creates an
atmosphere where it is ' my way or the high way ', so the home becomes more
stressful and the developmental needs and needs for unconditional acceptance are not met. Unconditional acceptance is making it clear that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing ' a
very deep kind of reassurance that we care about them and are not going to punish
or desert them if they do something very bad. The father is also promoting the
lowest level of moral behavior, promoting only thinking about the consequences for ourselves
rather than reflecting on the consequences and the impact our behavior has on
other people. If the father is not able to change his lenses and see that his
concerns can be met using a ' working with ' approach , a mother most probably
decide that being a single mom, would be easier and better for her kids and the
family.
Raising kids is complicated
and stressful , but if we become more aware of our relationship with our
spouses and how we contribute to the family dynamic and the needs of our kids rather than our need for control, children can help ' make a
marriage ' , if not they can help to break a marriage.
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