The portion begins with'אלה תולדות יצחק בן אברהם ,אברהם הוליד את יצחק' –
these are the generations of Isaac the son of Abraham, Abraham fathered Isaac.
The verse seems to be repetitive, so what is the Torah coming to teach us by
stressing that Abraham and Isaac were father and son. The Midrash commentary
quotes a verse from Proverbs עטרת זקנים בני בנים ותפארת
בנים אבותם - The crown of
grandparents are their grandchildren and the glory of sons- children are their fathers-parents.
It is easy to understand why grandchildren are the crown of their grandparents.
It is a wish and prayer that we ask in our Psalms 128:6 ' And may you see the
children of your children, and peace upon Israel' – וראה
בנים לבנך שלום על ישראל and enjoy their company. The greatest joy of grandparents is their
grandchildren and this is because in most cases, the connection is based on '
relationship ' and not based on' power ' and authority and being judgmental '. It is said that
people should become grandparents before they become parents, in order to learn
that we should put ' relationship ' first in our dealings with our kids. When
we see our grandchildren, both good and God fearing people, we see a certain
continuity of ourselves following the path of our forefathers in serving God and of being in service of man. It is also proof
of our competence - that we have raised children to be responsible people and who
are successfully involved in raising their own families. In a way, grandchildren
justify our existence – that we have made a contribution to the world. The
Midrash actually goes further. Grandchildren not only are a justification for our
lives, but they can be the very reason why we were given 'life'. The Midrash
says that Abraham was protected and saved from the ' fire of the furnace ' by Jacob,
long before Jacob was born. This is because God saw that a Jacob would be a
descendent and come from Abraham. The Midrash is saying that both Abraham and
Isaac are a source of strength to each other. Rav Charlap says that without
outstanding founding fathers - the pillars of the nation and without
outstanding children and descendants giving strength to each other, the nation
of Israel and the individuals involved have no future.
Grandchildren
bring peace to Israel as they bring families together – Sons and daughters have
an interest that their children experience and have a relationship with their
grandparents, so they tend to see their parents a bit differently and in a more
positive light. Unfortunately there are tragic situations, because of family conflict
some children don't allow their parents to have contact with their
grandchildren. This not only denies kids of grandparents , an experience denied
to many kids after the 2nd
World War, by the holocaust , but denying
grandparents access to their grandchildren , according to the Tanna De'bei
Eliyahu it is as if you have kidnapped them – taken away both grandchildren and grandparents from their family. The proximity of the commandment to honor parents
in the Ten Commandments to ' do not steal ' -and here stealing refers to
people , do not kidnap - teaches
that if your children don't honor their grandparents, because of your parenting, it is as if you have
kidnapped them, how much more so if you
actively deny the grandparents access to their grandchildren.
The glory of sons are their fathers –' ותפארת בנים אבותם
' - the Midrash says that the
ideal is that children are proud of their righteous fathers and fathers are proud of
their children. But if we check the reality , relationships between parents and kids are
from perfect and this is reflected in
the verse והשיב לב אבות על בנים ולב בנים על אבותם" -מלאכי ג כד And He shall turn the
heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their
fathers. I suggest that if we look at the mothers –daughter's
relationship we can understand the challenges to effective communication
between parent and child, a vital factor in parents being attuned to the needs
of their children.
In a
book – You're wearing that ! and in an article oh, Mom.Oh,Honey. Why did you say that the linguist Deborah Tannen examines the
conversations between mothers and daughters. There is a special intensity to
the mother-daughter relationship because talk, - particularly talk about
personal topics- is the glue that holds the relationship together and the
explosive that blows it apart. Daughters yearn for their mother's approval and
want their mothers to see and value what they value in themselves. Daughters
complain that their mothers are always criticizing them and mothers say ' I
can't open my mouth, she takes everything as criticism. ' Deborah Tannen says
that ' Both are right, but each sees only her perspective.' A mother feels
entitled or even obligated to comment because they are supposed to educate
their kids and persist in commenting because they can't get their adult
children to do what they believe is obviously right. They focus a lot on
appearance– hair, weight and dress knowing that women are judged by appearance
and that mothers are judged by their daughters' appearance, because daughters
represent their mothers to the world. The problem is that while mothers think
they are offering guidance, constructive criticism, showing that they care and
are interested in what their daughter is doing, the daughter experiences the
comments as criticism, interference, lack of trust and controlling. Even praise
is experienced as ' controlling' because praise is about being judgmental and
it does not matter if the comment is positive or negative, people don’t like to be judged.
And once a daughter has a certain opinion about her mother – controlling,
interfering, critical etc, the daughter has an internal need to justify her
position and so everything her mother says or does will be interpreted in a way
that will justify her opinion of her mother.
Deborah Tannen
says the way to go is to try and be more empathic and take into account the
other person's perspective and concerns. One can reframe what a mother has said
as trying to show that she cares and is concerned and when she says something
it may be more about reflecting on her own personal values and not about being
judgmental and critical. Instead
of criticism or praise , solve problems
in a collaborative way and keep comments to neutral feedback – just describing
what you have seen without any commentary. We have to remember it is not so
much what we say or teach that matters but how our parents or children interpret
what we say , it the meta-message that counts , not the message itself.
It would
have been better if we were grandparents before parents , but now that we may be
grandparents as well, we should speak and relate to our kids like we do to
our grandchildren and our children should treat us like they treat their grandparents
who they love and maybe then - parents will be the glory of their children and children will be the glory of their parents. In this way , parents and children will emulate Abraham and Isaac , supporting each other and being a source of strength to each other in building a family and a nation.
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