The Teshuvah – repentance process is fundamental to parenting and teaching. I would even say that the quality of any book
on Chinuch, education and parenting is dependent on how many times the word
Teshuvah is mentioned
As Rosh Hashanah, the Day of Judgment approaches, we read in this week's portion Devarim /Nitzavim 30:2 about repentance – Te'shuvah, ' and you will return unto Hashem, your God and listen to his voice'.
The Jerusalem Talmud asks 'what
is the punishment to be done to the sinner '? Wisdom replies that sin pursues
bad experiences. Prophecy replies that the soul that sins should die. God
replies that the sinner should repent and return to him. In this way he atones
for his sins.
Although
one should repent everyday of one's life, the month of Elul that proceeds Rosh
Hashanah, and Rosh Hashanah till Yom Kippur is the most opportune time to
repent. The focus in Elul is improving
ourselves and cleansing ourselves for Rosh Hashanah. Yom Kippur is the time
when we deal with the past. We verbalize and admit our sins = vi'dui, express
regret, remorse and commit ourselves not to repeat them. Rosh Hashanah is the Day of
Judgment and we anoint God to be our king and subject ourselves to his
authority.
Should
we not first deal with our sins, admit what we did wrong and ask for
forgiveness - the Yom Kippur process - and only then approach the heavenly court to be
judged by God?
Shouldn't
Yom Kippur come before Rosh Hashanah?
A
second question revolves around discussion and opinions amongst the
commentators whether Repentance- Teshuvah is a voluntary / optional commandment
or are we obliged to repent and do Teshuvah. The Ma'haral from Prague
quotes the Talmud that God considers the person who does Teshuvah as
having offered a ' voluntary ' sacrifice. He explains that since the
sinner no longer sees himself as subject to God's authority and decrees, his
decision to repent and to return unto Hashem, is considered by God as
if he has in an autonomous and voluntary way 'returned' to God. And
for this God is extremely grateful.
The
two views - the commandment –mitzvah of Teshuvah is an obligation or a
voluntary/optional commandment maybe reconciled by Rabbi David Lapin's
explanation of the teshuvah obligation. Objectively speaking we have an obligation to
repent and do Te'shuvah, subjectively speaking God considers our actions as
autonomous and intrinsically motivated.
The
Teshuvah associated with Rosh Hashanah focuses on our intrinsic motivation and
relationship with God. We come before God as people who have changed from the
inside, intrinsically motivated driven by a new vision of ourselves. We are not the same
people. Our purpose is to willingly redefine our relationship with God. We
anoint and make God our king and subject ourselves to his divine commandments
and guidance.
In
order to create a new vision, says Rabbi David Lapin, we must sever ourselves
from the past, because if we are still tied to our pasts, our pasts will hold
us back and limit the extent of the vision we want for ourselves. We first
create a future and then deal with the past. We first have an Elul and Rosh
Hashanah and then a Yom Kippur. But ,if we don't deal with the past , the past will
catch up with us. Once we have a new vision of ourselves, we are in a position to reflect on our
past with completely different lenses, and this leads to having more remorse and a deeper commitment never
to repeat these sins. Without Teshuvah saying' sorry' is mere lipservice . Once we
have given deep expression to these feelings of remorse
and regret on Yom Kippur we can move on in the knowledge that we have been forgiven and are new people happy with our new appreciation of life and our relationship with God.
Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur are primarily concerned about our accountability to our
creator for what we have done over the past year. Torah accountability is doing
Teshuvah in an autonomous way and repenting. It is coming up with a better
plan, solving problems and creating a new vision of ourselves and then dealing
with the past by engaging in an autonomous way in the moral act of reparation
and restitution. The outcomes are improved relationships between people, each
other and God and a feeling that we are good people.
.
When we talk about accountability in the context of politics and business, we
hear about the need to be accountable and pay the price for failure or
inappropriate behavior by resigning or serving a criminal sentence. Accountability
for kids is then just another reason for dishing out more punishments and
consequences.
When our kids and students don't
meet our expectations, we must remember that instead of traditional discipline
and punishment , we have a duty to
support their autonomy and guide them to
do 'Te'shuvah. This means participating together with kids in CPS –
collaborative problem solving process and allowing kids in an autonomous way to
engage in the moral act of restitution and making amends. The litmus test -does the child feel self-directed , joy and simcha in doing Teshuvah, has a new vision for himself and has the relationship and trust with my kid or student been enhanced.
'In an illuminating passage from her
book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make
it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still
providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still
care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they
do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,”
thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage
in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things
right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we
care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without
demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that
we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection
does not depend on it.”
- from Beyond Discipline – A Kohn
If
we want kids to engage in Teshuvah, we as parents or teachers have to choose
between a focus on discipline or teshuvah.
The
lesson of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that ' Accountability ' is not about
paying the price of failure or making mistakes. It is an internal and intrinsic process. It is about learning from
mistakes, creating a new vision for oneself, changing from the inside, engaging
in the moral act of restitution and making things right. It is about peace,reconciliation and connection between man and God and man and man, man and his children and a teacher and his students.
