One of the primary goals of parents and teachers is to raise '
happy kids', but this obsession with their children's happiness is said to lead
to unhappy adults. Psychologist and writer Lori Gottlieb in her article ' How to land your kid in therapy ' saw that it was not only young adults from
dysfunctional families that were
unhappy, felt lack of purpose, unfulfilled and needed help but also young adults whose parents may have been too
attuned to their kids , being overinvolved, over anxious and protective - in short doing too much. From our Parasha and the literature on
happiness and well- being, Lori Gotlieb imho has got in wrong in her analysis and what advice should be given to parents .
The verse Devarim 24:5 talks about the one year exemption for married men from the army for their first year of marriage. He should be free to devote himself
to his home and in particularly according to the Aramaic translation- Targum ' makes his wife happy'. The Targum Yonatan ben Uziel translates the
verse differently - ' he
should be happy with his wife'. We can
reconcile both translations by saying that the Torah is teaching that a person
only experiences true joy and happiness when he makes other people happy as well. Kids experience true happiness when they are
also concerned with the happiness of others. Raising happy kids is important,
but more important is raising kids who also care for the happiness of other
people.
According to the Self Determination theory S.D.T when a kids needs
for autonomy, competence and relatedness are being met, they are more self-
determined, intrinsically motivated and happier. So having a sense of belonging,
being part of a community, having supportive relationships, being of service,
making a contribution to others, caring about their happiness etc, promotes the well-being and happiness of
kids. Parents and teachers get it wrong when they help kids focus on extrinsic goals
such as achievement - achieving a reputation or even fame on the sports field or
in the classroom or being above average, by becoming more competitive achievers.
Intrinsic goals such as deep, enduring and meaningful relationships and making a
contribution , make kids happier,
extrinsic goals such as status, approval of others ,wealth, achievement , being competitive on the other hand cause tension, anxiety and are associated
with fear and shame.
Parents and teachers can support the autonomy of kids by not being
controlling and judgmental. When kid's
autonomy is supported and have a sense of purpose and relevance, and a
meaningful and spiritual life, they are more connected to their inner core values.
They will then feel self-directed and intrinsically motivated. Being unconditionally
loved and accepted by parents and teachers enables them to accept
themselves as good people. Having the
traits of Self-Compassion and acceptance allows kids to see mistakes as 'our
friends ', an opportunity for growth. In an illuminating passage from
her book Learning to Trust (2003),
Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher (parent) can make it clear to students
(kids) that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep
kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still cares about them and is
not going to punish or desert them, even if they do something very bad.”
This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and
support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of
restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing
something wrong – in other words to repent and do Teshuvah. “If we want our
students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to
display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain
ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors;
we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it'. So autonomy support, unconditional acceptance
and self-acceptance and compassion promotes Teshuvah= repentance and intrinsic
motivation and hence the happiness and well-being of kids.
People and kids have a need for competence and mastery. The problem
is parents and teachers help kids focus on instrumental and materialistic ' performance
goals ' such as grades,
achievement, reputation, fame ,moving to a new level, achieving milestones. Parents and teachers should help kids focus on what is being studied , the process of learning, using one's skills and knowledge to teach and help others rather than to compete with others and develop a competence that is associated with developing
of love for learning that will make them into long life learners. Instead of
focusing on personal growth , competence development and self-actualization and
a love for learning that leads to happier and fulfilled people the focus is on
how well a kid is doing and not engagement and curiosity. Jerome Bruner said
that kids should experience success and failure as information, not as reward and
punishment. We should be helping kids focus on what they are doing and not on
how well they are doing. Instead of focusing on compliance and
discipline, parents and teachers can use CPS and collaboratively solve problems
with kids. In this way we promote relationships, competence= social and
emotional skills and autonomy where kids are not simply given choices but
actually generate choices.
Hillel says, "If I am not for
myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? …….."
Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14 Kids who lead meaningful and relevant lives,
are competent and have a love for learning, are able to make sure that their
personal needs are being met and see themselves as being of service to others
will be happy and successful children and young adults.
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