The parasha of Be'chukotai begins with a promise by God that if you
will follow My decrees by engaging in intensive study of Torah with the
intention of performing the mitzvoth , then the performance of the mitzvoth
will merit many blessings , the greatest of them all being shalom -peace and harmony in your land. Peace
is a gift from God, the vessel that can contain all other blessings, for
without shalom- peace, other blessings are meaningless. The highest or culminating point of our
prayers and of the Priestly blessings – birkat kohanim is a prayer for
peace. In the Kadish prayer we ask that
God should make peace.
The question is, is it only God that can make peace? And
if so what is our role –' we are to seek peace and pursue it'. The answer is
that we have to make ourselves ' receptacles' - keilim- that can receive and
accept God's blessing of peace. It means we have to emulate God and that the
peace we make is based on our understanding of a Godly concept of peace. After
praying a person must take 3 steps back in one bowing like a student taking leave of his Rabbi and
then extend a greeting of peace-shalom to those around him in the
following way. Before straightening up, while he says about God – He who makes
peace in his heavens he turns to his left and while saying He should make peace
upon us – he turns to his right and afterwards he bows in front. The
commentators note that in order for there to be peace people need to seek peace
by being able to step back and compromise and bend over backwards and forwards
to make peace. The ability to compromise,
make concessions and not stick to ones demands, claims or solutions is important
in any process of conflict resolution and making peace. But it would be
difficult to say that we are emulating God. It is difficult to think of God
compromising or making concessions. One
of the names of God is Shalom =peace because God has the power to unify and
harmonize opposites, contradictory and conflicting forces. Each force finds its
place in the world.
The ultimate of conflict resolution is not just a win-win situation
but where the concerns of each party are met.CPS – Collaborative Problem
solving or now known as Collaborative and Proactive solutions originally
created by Dr. Ross Greene as a model to ' work with ' challenging children says
- when solving problems we should not be focusing on ' behaviors ' but the
problems underlying the behaviors. We begin by gathering information about the
concerns and perspectives of the parties concerned. The difficulty is that people tend to present
their concerns as solutions, without giving enough thought about their concerns
and this leads to negotiating or the dueling of solutions. In the end we may
get a compromise after parties make concessions, but there has been no
discussion on the concerns and perspectives of the parties. If we forget about
solutions which are often preconceived, and just focus on concerns, and like
Beit Hillel trying to understand the others' concerns before presenting your concern,
we will get a better hold of the problem. Then we can invite the parties to try
and brain storm a mutually satisfying solution that addresses both concerns. CPS
in families is best done out of the moment, proactive when all are calm and
connecting. We need to first focus on the general atmosphere in the home and
the relationship and try to reduce negative interactions and conflict by using
Plan C. Here we put low priority problems on the shelf and use Plan B – solving
problems in a collaborative way for high priority problems. Plan A is imposing parent will even at a price
of a meltdown but out of the moment we need to still use Plan B.
Here is an
example. A boy has a problem with some
kids of friends of the family who come over to play. The boy announced to his
mom that a certain kid would not be welcome at his Barmitzah party. The mother
said the kid is coming and that if he did not like that kid, she would
compensate him and that her son did not appreciate all that was being done for
him. The boy answered that it was his barmitzvah so he could decide and his
mother generally did not care about him. The first problem to overcome is that
we have to give up our theories and assumptions why the kid or mother is acting
in a certain way. ' Assumption free living' and not being judgmental is important because it enables us to just
describe what we see and focus on getting input from the other party rather
than relying on preconceived theories and solutions. A friend witnessing the scene suggested
trying CPS. He asked each party what were their concerns. The boy said that the
kid would disrupt and mess up the party, the mom said that she had to invite
the kid; she could not tell their friends that their boy could not come. They
attempted to brain storm a solution that would address both concerns – the kid
came up with an idea that they would pay somebody to be with the kid and play
with him. The mother remarked that this was the first time she felt heard and
the boy said he felt understood.
For sure people jealousy and not appreciating
one's blessing gets in the way of peace but people need to be more generous and
kind and welcome with love and happiness the success and happiness of others.
We can make peace through negotiation and make concessions so a compromise is
reached. On the other hand we can emulate God and use CPS to resolve conflicts
and make peace. We act in a Godly way and are more likely to merit God's help
in making peace when we are active in understanding the concerns of others and addressing
them and our concerns in a collaborative way so we find mutually satisfying
solutions.
No comments:
Post a Comment