I am sure we have either witnessed or we ourselves have
tried to force a sibling to ' say sorry' because they hit a brother or said a
mean word – you are stupid - to a sister. There is usually a display of
defiance and when the kid gives in, it is usually said in a mean tone or a
whisper or even ' I am sorry that ' You are stupid'.
Instead of repairing the
relationship, forcing an apology makes it worse. I don't know how parents
expect this type of apology to be sincere. Some parents don't really care if the
apology is sincere or not, what matters is the act of uttering the appropriate
words. They may justify this by saying that in time the child will come to say 'I
am sorry' with sincerity. According to the principle -that we should do the
right thing even if our feelings or motives are not so pure, for in time we
will come to do things with the right feelings and for the right motives -
mi'toch she'lo lishmah bah lishmah, these parents seem to be doing the right
thing by forcing an apology.
The Torah portion –parasha of Acharei Mot talks about the Yom
Kippur – the Day of Atonement service when the High Priest and the nation
confess their sins –the Vidui and say they are sorry to God and to each other as part of the Teshuvah –repentance process.
Rabbi E. Dessler says that the principle of doing things 'lo lishmah' for the
wrong reasons so in time it will be lishmah – right reasons does not apply to
the mitzvah of Teshuvah or saying sorry. The whole essence of Teshuvah and
saying sorry is sincerity.
If we force apologies and
don't give the child time to calm down and reflect, then the only thing we are
teaching kids is to LIE. The source of our problem is that we see enforcing an
apology as part of our need to discipline kids. It means getting the kid to
admit that he did wrong and take the blame. The focus is no longer on the pain
of the sibling, but on the adult trying to enforce the apology. If we take
blame out of repertoire and replace it with empathy we are now not being
disciplinarians enforcing consequences but parents helping and guiding kids to
be compassionate and moral.
We may also want to solve the underlying problem in a durable
and realistic way using CPS – the collaborative problem solving approach model.
The first thing we may need to do is reassure the child that he is not in
trouble and that we are not in the 'blame game'. All we want to do is help
people feel and do better. The first stage in the CPS process – the empathy and
info gathering steps starts with a neutral statement. 'I have noticed that you
and your sister were playing ball together, and now she is crying – what's up?
We try to get his perspective and hear his concerns which are needed to solve
the problem. He will be able to then hear his sister's perspective and concerns
if he feels heard. The focus is now on the ' hurt child' – We ask the brother –
how does he think his sister is feeling now? Why is she feeling that way? This
helps him take his sister's perspective and become empathic .We can then ask
him – can we brainstorm solutions that will help both of you be happy and you
can play without any fighting. Once we have a solution we can ask how does he
think he can make her feel better and also make amends. Some situations demand
that we only help him take his sister's perspective and come up with a plan to
make her feel better and not solve the underlying problem.
Instead of using ' Blame
' and imposing consequences and solutions on kids, we can focus on empathy. We
should support kids' 'autonomy' so that they can in an autonomous way engage in
the moral act of reparation and making amends. We promote competence as the
child will thus leave this encounter with a reminder of how others feel or
might feel as the result of his actions, and with the knowledge that an adult
trusted his competence sufficiently to allow for his input into how this matter
should be handled. Also relationships are improved. Using empathy means we
encourage kids to feel sorry for siblings or the 'hurt' friend, but when we use
'blame' we encourage kids to feel sorry for themselves.
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