Time-outs are a popular discipline tool as they can be implemented
immediately and can be over in a couple of minutes. Time-outs are described as
'Punishment Lite' .They are less destructive than other punishments such as
spanking. The term is derived from 'time-out from positive reinforcements'
techniques used with animals and the idea is that we use love withdrawal or not
give attention when the child is misbehaving. Kids are rewarded with attention ,love and connection when they behave and don't get the love , connection and attention when they misbehave. The down side is that kids feel their parents' love
is conditional on how they behave, they are shown less love, feel
abandoned, rejected and confused. For parents the word time-out is easier to
swallow than forced solitary confinement, which is what actually happens when a
kid is banished to his room. The idea is that kids should also use this time
and reflect on what they did and how it impacted on others.
There seems to be a basis for ' forced solitary confinement from
this week's portion-parasha Tazria. The person = Metzorah sinned by speaking
badly about other people and as a result of his 'lashon ha'ra = evil speech, he
developed a skin disease erroneously called leprosy. He was removed from people
and put into solitary confinement. He would be able then to appreciate the
importance of other people family, friends and community in giving him 'life'
and how destructive and divisive his actions were to interpersonal relations
and people. In fact the Metzrorah who
has the disease and is in solitary confinement is considered as having no life
and as if he were dead. This is not because of his suffering due to the disease
says Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz, but due to him being in solitary confinement. Reb
Isaac Sher explains that the disease = Tzara'at is only visited upon righteous
people who had sinned. Without sin, their skins shone as if the divine presence
was reflected in them. But when they sinned the divine presence left them and
their skins lost their brightness and developed spots and marks. Fools and
wicked people were not on the highest levels so they could be subject to this type
of divine intervention. Also in solitary
confinement these people would just feel sorry for themselves , and not reflect on how
their actions impacted on others and then repent.
When kids are forced to do '
time-outs the last thing they do is reflect on what they did and feel sorry for
others or a sibling. The now feel sorry for themselves, think their parents are
mean and plan to get revenge against his
brother. In any case the focus is now on complying with the time-out and on the
'mean' parent and not on the problem that gave rise to the time-out. This leads
to power struggles , kids running away when they hear the word time-out, or
keep on asking if they can get up, and worst of all because parents find
themselves using time-outs repeatedly and often for the same offence. When
time-outs don't work parents find themselves doing moretime-outs and more harsh versions
of the same thing.
Instead parents trying to feel in
control parents should aim for ' connection' and cooperation. They should be
pro-active and 'not in the moment' try to collaboratively solve problems that
are predictably giving rise to challenging behavior. And even' in the moment',
instead of threatening a kid with a time-out, they can do a 'time –in ' and ask
what's going on and remind the kid that what he does has an impact on other people,
explain that some ways of acting are just unacceptable and then try to solve
the problem where kids are likely to feel that their needs are being considered.
Parents can also use time -in to empathize with a kid's feelings, helping them to process their
feelings which all maybe needed to help the storm pass over. We could also suggest
another activity and with toddlers try to distract or redirect them.
Kids can also with the help of his parents
set up a 'den' or a 'comfort corner' so that they have the option to
retreat to a comfortable and comforting place when they are acting silly or going out of control. Taking
your own time-out or chill-out in order to cool off and calm down is an
important skill that we can model and also teach our kids. But when time-out is
framed and construed as punishment the important lesson
of how to 'change gears ' or 'resetting our computers ' is lost. So even when
the kid refuses our invitation to take some time by himself then in a last resort we try to gently remove
him from the situation and the place where the problem is happening, but not
from us. The kid may prefer to be alone so that he can feel safe to vent his feelings. When we are forced to remove kids from the
situation we should take care so that our kids don't feel that our love,
attention and presence is being switched off or withdrawn.
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