Yitro 74- Honoring Parents and CPS – collaborative problem solving approach

A frequent question that parents ask me concerning the CPS – collaborative problem solving approach is – are we not  undermining  our authority as parents if the  focus is  on cooperation and not Kibud Av ve'Eim

=complying with and respecting the wishes of parents.?

I don't think it is our purpose to raise kids who will jump through our hoops, but rather we should ask , what do they need from us , how can meet their basic needs of (a) autonomy = being connected to their inner beings and core values , feeling self –directed, (b) competence ( c) and relatedness = a feeling of belonging and connectedness. In this way we can raise God fearing, compotent , caring and responsible children.

.

The following is a story, an incident - which a Bnei Brak Rabbi and speaker shared with his audience.

 I was sitting on my porch one afternoon , when my neighbor called out to me and said – Reb Dovid -  your son is climbing the very dangerously high tree next to our apartment block. I said -  that's  OK , he has  got my permission. The neighbor thought Reb Dovid was out of his mind – climbing   that  tree  was dangerous!  Reb Dovid then shared with his neighbor the   CPS  dialogue,  he had with his son about climbing the tree.

 A: Empathy + info gathering stage

Dad: ( neutral   language )  I have noticed that you and your friends have been climbing that big tree , what's up ?

Son:  We all love climbing the tree, it is great fun, also there is not so much to do around here.

Dad – reflective listening – I understand it is fun and not much around for you to do -  I  am just worried – here the dad puts his concern on the table and we have  B:  Define the problem stage . You guys are climbing pretty high, sometimes till the 3^rd floor and without any ropes for protection. It is pretty dangerous, one small slip and you understand what will be the result ? I am concerned about your safety.

Invitation stage : I was wondering if we could brain storm a solution together where you could still climb the tree and enjoy it , and still be acceptably safe if something might happen ?

Son: Maybe someone could stand with a rope on the balcony of the 3^rd floor and the boy climbing would be tied to it ?

Dad. I like the idea but I don't think it is realistic. We need a plan that would work all the time, even when you are alone.

Dad: I was wondering if you could still have fun climbing just up to the first floor. I am OK with this.

Son: I hear your concern and I can appreciate the danger, I am willing to give it a try.

Dad – so it is climbing till the 1^st floor. I like your idea about the ropes, it reminded me about the climbing wall at Park Ha'yarkon  ,  maybe we could go there  in the school holidays or on Fridays during the summer. 

Dad:  Let's talk again about how this plan is working out in about 2 weeks from now .

Son- OK

Reb Dovid then turned to his neighbor . You forbade your son to climb the tree. He not only climbs the tree but climbs till the 3^rd floor . He has thus transgressed the law to honor parents and also compromised his safety and  put  himself in a really dangerous situation.

Honoring parents is an important mitvah- commandment so parents should be careful not to be the cause of their kids not being compliant by demanding compliance. When parents' concerns are addressed by the solution , parents are actually setting limits. With CPS parents feel they are being ' heard' for the first time and kids feel that their  concerns are not being ignored but taken seriously.  When  we  work with kids, we foster cooperation and support , and solving problems in a collaborative way. In this way we not only nurture the  relationship  with our kids and  build trust,  but also  teach them so many life and communication skills.